“Why did Trump congratulate Putin on his victory? Well, nanny, nanny, boo, boo! You can’t get me!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, simoneminth.
Let’s play, amuse ourselves, frolic, frisk, romp around, and just have fun, fun, fun in every way, hard-right, arch-conservative readers!
Someone whom we often feel we want to just yank toward us, link arms with, and twirl around in glee alongside is White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She has a truly thankless job, on par with the Shudras who are forced to clean public bathrooms in India–oh, except she probably makes between 250 and 500 times what they do; has a spouse’s income to support hers, and has tons of white heterosexual privilege. Why, Sarah, why are you doing this, we wonder. It’s a Kellyanne Conway situation, we assume. Though KCons seems to have a few more brain cells rattling around upstairs than SHucks. But, that’s actually beside the point of this week’s Fun column, by a little person called “me,” also known as Merri Ment, the joy-based columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), a website whose paycheck I’m happy to receive, even though I’m kind of “meh” about the day-to-day work. Look at that–I guess KCons and SHucks employment choices do play into what I have to say after all. This wacky-Alt-week-as-always, I seek to offer Press Secretary Sanders some ideas on how to dodge the hardball-yet-obvious-because-Trump’s-behavior-is-so-boorish-it-only-merits-simply-stated-stating-the-obvious-input from reporters. Her daily oeuvre of, “Fake news…I’ll have to get back to you…I don’t know,” is getting old. Then again, it was born old. But that’s OK for us on the Alt-right and right of the spectrum, because the questions are from and for liberals and other people with working brains. We just embrace everything and anything Trump does So we have some ways for SHucks to continue speaking only to us, by saying nothing, except total nonsense.
Even though, SYRW readers, we on the right don’t have sympathy for anyone, are incapable of feeling compassion, and empathy–where we actually internalize others’ emotions–is pretty much out of the question for us, only a true, dyed-in-the-Silence-of-the-Lambs-wool sociopath could not want to cover his eyes (“his,” because only men matter) when Sarah has to killing-field so many questions her boss makes it impossible for her to answer. And we’re not damaged from severe abuse or repeated trauma, like so many sociopaths. We’re just bad people. We could be good people, but right now we’re going with bad, for a whole host of invalid, awful reasons. And we’re A-OK with that. So let’s get down to advice for Sarah H. Sanders in the question-avoidance arena.
Related: Why the Tiny House movement is oh-so-Alt.
White House Correspondents Enter Insane Asylum
Sanders’ first fun line of defense against a barrage of questions from reporters in the daily press briefing is an old, childhood standard: “I know you are, but what am I?” The great thing about this response is, because it’s a non-sequitur that is unrelated to the words–questions, in this case–that came before it, our dear Huckabee, can just keep using it and using it and using it until her interrogators have other places to go and simply can’t stay to try break through the border-wall of inanity she puts up by asking over and over she knows they are but what is she.
IIf You Can’t Hear Them, You Don’t Have to Answer Them
The next fun-based phrasal-ordnance we offer to Sanders comes with a gesticulation, which makes its impact hit its recipients with that much more force. The first time some educated, knows-how-to-report-and-write-a-story, doesn’t-have-time-for-her-BS reporter aims a question at her, Sanders should slap her hands over her ears, close her eyes all scrunched-up-like, and say, loudly and repeatedly, “La-la-la-la! I can’t hear you! La-la-la-la-la!” and so on and so forth, until either she or they tires of it.
And: How to live the Alt-dream and be self-employed.
Time Better Spent
The third phalanx of fun Sanders simply must employ in her war against honesty should be: music. Because as Madonna sang in her iconic song, “Music,” music brings the people together. And in Sarah’s Press Secretarial Duties case, it will at least distract and silence them, provided it’s loud enough. When some Real News reportorial baddie lobs a scary query at her, Sanders should, say, “Weeeeeellll….” then lean down and take out a banjo she hid in the podium earlier. Then when she launches into a catalog of favorites that people love to sing along to, along with banjo, which also really does bring people together and relax them, too, the White House Press Corps will end up having so much foot-stomping, tobacco-chewing, bale-of-hay-sitting, they’ll forget what they even wanted to ask her. When they’ve sufficiently distracted and entertained by her musical stylings, she can suddenly stop and say, “Oh, look at the time. Our hour together is over! See ya’ tomorrow, pals!”
Shooting Fish at the Bottom of the Barrell
The above ideas will seem mature in comparison to our last one. When the questions come at her like DJT’s hand comes at a p—y, and there’s nowhere left to hide, so to speak, she actually may want to hide! Run out of the room, Sarah, run for your life! Hide in a housekeeping cart–they’ll never find you there, those mean ol’ liberal reporters trying to get a straight answer for their stories in legitimate news publications, those reporters who get what you’re doing, and it’s not working with them. Oh, go1 It’s not working with them! Now, when you hide in the housekeeping cart, you’ll be wheeled off to who knows where, but if you don’t know where you’re going, there’s less of a chance those mean, dumb, stupid reporters will. And then….oh my god–you’re getting a call….hello? I said, hello! The call is coming from inside the White House! Who’s there!!? Who’s there?! Damn it! Hang up. And at your first chance dart out of the housekeeping cart. Just get out of the White House, because they’ll follow you. They’ll follow you, Sarah! And whatever you do, dont…look…back…as you run. They’re counting on you to, which slows you down, and they’ll get you. And they’ll ask the questions! So many questions! Please, no more questions!
Also: We review An Oranger Loyalty: Lies, Obfuscation, and Disorganization by Devin Nunes.
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