“I better make this meditation quick, so I can get back to my job on Wall Street bilking people out of their money.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, MAXFX.
This week everyone’s rightly saying that we’re a bunch of pathetic, shameless hypocrites whom the whole world looks down on, we on the right who are tooting our faux-victim, persecution-complex horns, because comedian Michelle Wolf made hilarious, scathing, ineluctable, well-deserved, on-point, jest-based jabs at contemporary, Trumpian politics. She did would Republican politicians are too craven and venal to do: she stood up to that horror of a human that can’t seem to help ourselves from defending, even valorizing as some kind of hero, a champion of the poor, forgotten white man, who couldn’t get it together to participate in society in a constructive way, so he took the easy way out and revenge-for-Obama voted an utter lunatic into the highest political office in the nation.
Related: Why Alt-righters can never be intellectuals.
People are saying that for our trigger-finger quickness to rant and rave about how anyone who points out an instance of prejudice, marginalization, or oppression is a “snowflake,” so fragile and sensitive, and, frankly, childish. Those same people–us–are now waving the victim flag high and vigorous, saying Wolf went “too far” in some of her jokes at the White House Correspondents Association dinner, which, like the truly oversensitive sad, orange sack he is, he skipped because he just had to schedule one of his self-aggrandizing, policy-solution-free rallies in Michigan. This is all according to this insightful piece by  New York Times reporter Adam Conover.
There, there my little embarrassments to humanity. I, Deepika Choprawalla have some tips on the basics of a spiritual, self-care practice that’s been instilling peace and tranquility in the hearts and minds of men (cuz no one else matters) for millennia: meditation! Let’s go over some of the basics of mindfulness meditation, the specific school of this consciousness-healing exercise I want to offer some thoughts on.
Introductory Considerations, As In the Things We Have None of for the Experiences of Minority Groups
Many of us here at SYRW like to lie down with our eyes closed, imagining ourselves supine before our master, Trump, ready to serve as his doormat. Others fall asleep when they do this. So they prefer to sit up in a chair with their backs against said char, and their feet flat on the floor and. Whether you’re a lier, a sitter– or a liar, like Trump–make sure to make loose, comfortable clothing that keeps you feeling balmy but not hot.
The Belly of the Political Beast
When we’re tense–which in the Western world is always, as I’m sure I don’t have to remind you, and in the Trump Era is double-always–we often inadvertently practice “shoulder breathing,” wherein our shoulders rise and fall with our inhalation and exhalation. Physiologically this posture prohibits the way our torso’s want to behave during the most relaxing type of breathing. When we’re relaxed, we “belly-breathe,” like sleeping babies. In that kind of respiration, our stomachs rise and feel with the inhale and exhale of air. Hence, this is a great way to jump right into relaxation-and-focus-inducing breathing, getting the most gun-like bang for your the-right-cares-about-nothing-but-the-buck.
Instead of a baby’s belling rising and falling, picture Trump’s orange gut going up and down in concert with his sleep-apnea snores.
And: Trading political favors on trade.
Slow and Sleazy Does It
It goes without saying, but one never knows what idiocy lies in the hearts and minds of Trump supporters like us, in 2018, so I should point out that the idea in controlling your breath is in part, simply to slow it down. Inhale to the count of eight with a Mississippi in between each number, so you’ll be guaranteed to leave a calming interval in between each of them.
Exhale to the same rhythm.
Colored Air, But Not People
Go the extra mile, like Attorney General Jeff Sessions does for Trump, despite being thrown under the bus by him every chance the president gets, by imagining calm as a colored ether filling your lungs, and then traveling out to your body. You can choose any color for the ether that suits you, but the obvious choice is, of course, red. Sure, most people associate red with anger, rage, and related, negative, passion-based emotions, But what most people would do, such as rejecting Trump from the get-go for being a moralless moron, is of no concern to us on the right. Nor do we really care that much what might actually, ultimately benefit our ultimate psyches, instead choosing what feels good in the moment. That’s why you can find us chanting violent slogans, like cretins, at Trump rallies.
Thoughts About Mantras
A mantra can help retain focus on your breath and its passage in and out of the body. A mantra is a short word or phrase that you repeat as you breathe. You can repeat silently, in your mind, something like, “calm” on the inhale, and “stress” on the exhale. Ancient Hindu culture, the progenitor of mindfulness meditation, used “haam” and “saa,” as they believed it to be the sounds the body made naturally while breathing.
Intrusive, unhelpful thoughts–like that of how Trump will escape the Mueller probe sans indictment or what will become of the ridiculous Republican party after Don Jon is a memory like the one Trump often claims he doesn’t have when he faces legal peril–trouble you during meditation, here’s some great advice on the topic I that once got on managing them. Meditation is not about having no thoughts, as easy as that may be for a simpleton right-winger like you, Rather it’s about not reacting to your thoughts. So, allow them to appear before your mind’s eye, watch them dispassionately as long as they stay, then allow them to float by like clouds of smoke emitted from a coal plant that didn’t pop up since Trump claimed to revitalize the coal industry.
Slower and Sleazier
Take one last deep breath into the count of eight, with a Mississippi in between each number to help you space them out slow and sleazy. Let it out at the same right-wing-for-no-reason rate. Good! Now open your eyes to the world you left behind just minutes ago as you commenced your journey inward. See how easy, quick, and effective that was. I trust you feel so much more comfortable now with the understandable but unnecessary anxieties, fears, and perturbations that lead us on the right to being the insufferable little shits we are. I told you I, Deepika Choprawalla, was going to make it all better. Now it’ll be so much more relaxing and even fun to completely misunderstand everything about life and the world, thereby adopting the wrongheaded, dunderheaded, brain-dead-ed political views known as conservatism. I promise you that if you incorporate into your daily, debased Alt-life project an easy-to-do meditative habit, you’ll be that much more A-OK with just living–non-authentically, anti-intellectually, unhealthy-emotionally, freedom-for-you-but-no-one-else-ish-ly–your right-wing life, everyone who doesn’t look and think exactly like you be damned. And that, my dear SYRW readers, is what Alt-right wellness is all about.
Also: Find out what DJT’s really been doing on his personal cell lately!
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