“You wanna question me? Sure, let’s just step in here…”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, tostphoto.
Today, on the East Coast of the great-but-no-thanks-to-Trump U. S. of A., it’s terrifically sunny decidedly warm. The first such day, as we move forward to spring, is always a funny day for a columnist who writes about interior design, such as I, Marla Stewman, the home-and-hearth-based expert (I know that’s a suspect word for right-wingers like you and me in the Trump Era, but bear with me) here at everyone’s needlessly Alt-right lifestyle blog–can’t you people just read regular lifestyle blogs?–Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). Anywho, when the weather turns from non-suicide-inducing to hoo-frickin’-ray-inspiring, we design folks have a moment of self-doubt, though, for the right-wing among us, it’s really just a flicker, because we’re utterly and completely convinced of our rightness, in all the senses of that word. We design folk ask ourselves when the weather becomes skin-reddeningly sunny: does anyone really want to hear about how to decorate the insides of their homes when they could be outside among the life-giving oxygen, fuzzy woodland animals, and Vitamin-D-metabolizing sunshine? The answer is: I sure hope so!
As our regular readers know, here in the Interiors department of good ol’ SYRW we advise the average Alt-right-er or better-than-average-Alt-right-er–and despite all we’ve let fall by the wayside in the conservative community of 2018, we’re still big believers in hierarchies–on how to bring your design choices in line with your Alt-ideals. There’s already confluence there to work with, as both the Alt-design and Alt-ideals are hideous. Nothing’s too obvious to state when it comes to imparting information to you Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs), and in case you got behind on your vital, veracious, and frankly, intellectually vacant Alt-home-design reading here on SYRW, allow me to remind you of something. And that is, I always want to find a way to add in to my Alt-design advice another conept: I want to waste your time. We’re off to a good start with that already!
Building Blocks
This week’s column by moi seeks to do that by offering some fun ideas for ways you can make your home a place where the Mueller probe is exposed for the farce it is. I refer to this article by Matt Apuzzo and Michael S. Schmidt of the New York Times as the blueprint upon which I base my suggestion-structure. That publication–one we decry as “Fake News” when we want to and a legitimate source of info when that suits us–grouped the Mueller-queries into four categories and I’ll run those down and one question from each to fashion a design strategy for all your Mueller-probe-opposing Alt-ies! All quotes below are taken from the above-linked article.
In Like Flynn
One category of questions relates in its entirety to Michael T. Flynn, ex-National Security Adviser to the Trump Administration. Reportedly, Mueller would enjoy a chance to ask Trump: “What did you know about phone calls that Mr. Flynn made with the Russian ambassador, Sergey I. Kislyak, in late December 2016?” In this case, a phone booth might be a good place to for Mueller and Trump to jam themselves into to have this Trump-lie-inducing change. You, dear readers, may want to haul one of these nearing-extinction contraption-cum-locations into your home. As with so many design items of concern to those winners who want to incorporate Alt-ish-ness into all they do, having one of these in your domicile would undoubtedly open the door to questions on it. Then you’re not even a hop, skip, and a jump away from launching into all the reasons the Mueller probe is oh-so-conspiratorial and unfair and Deep-State and blah blah freaking blah.
Let’s Move On But Not MoveOn.org
The second category of interrogative speech-acts Mueller is said to want to delve into with Trump involves former FBI Director James Comey: “What did you know about phone calls that Mr. Flynn made with the Russian ambassador, Sergey I. Kislyak, in late December 2016?” I just love an opportunity to get kookily creative, which this is for me. Your home already has in it some super-liminal, transitory spaces, namely the areas that serve as connectors between different parts which you can’t really call one room or another. In this case, it would be easy and fun to just spend lots of time in those places yourself! And, more importantly, when people come over–even unsuspecting delivery folk or religio-proselytizers, you can yank them into any such mini-expanse in your home and say, “Much as we are in a transition space right now, one line of Mueller’s Alt-unfair inquiry focuses on Trump’s presidential transition time, and that’s wrong for the following reasons:…”
General Session’s Chicken
And: The 3 right-wing boy bands you’ve gotta know about right now
General-area-of-questions number three involves Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the man who’ll make you say, “I’m sorry–the end of the rainbow is that way:” “What did you think and do regarding the recusal of Mr. Sessions?” Really, sometimes my job is too easy. The obvious place in your home that will inspire conversations–and yes, questions–on this topic is any and every bathroom! Why? Because, hello: “What did you think and do…” Like do-do! While it would be probibitively consternation-inducing to hang out along and with others in the washrooms around your home, placing a toilet in a prominent location in the seating, dining, or sleeping areas of said abode is much more feasible. The first time you get a look that asks, “How much crack are you smoking?” you’ll know to explain your unorthodox flush-based design choice. As always, it’s just an excuse to initiate a discussion–which, to an any Alt-righter worth his salt means loudly, rudely mouthing off–about how the Mueller probe is unjust and unfair, two topics that have been forever-important to the right wing.
Russia’s Coordinates on a Map
You know, that or the Trump campaigns coordination with Russia to get Don Jon elected to the highest political office in the land. The final fourth class of asks Mueller wants to shoot (such a beautiful word) at Trump involves our dear leader’s presidential campaign’s collusion–or not!–with the Kremlin: “During the campaign, what did you know about Russian hacking, use of social media or other acts aimed at the campaign?” My super-cute suggestion for something you can do based on this area of wonder-based things-that-make-Trump-go-hmm is quite subtle, so pay close attention, SYRW readers: an axe, the tool that enabled wood-hacking before computer-hacking was a thing. Try one as a decorative accent in your bedroom, in a entry-or-exit vestibule, the kitchen, you name it. Don’t be concerned that the sight of this serial-killer-esque item might disturb you or others. Since when do we on the right care about how our actions affect anyone else. Just know that it’s out-of-place-everywhere-but-a-tool-area nature is a great way lubricate the Mueller-conspiracy-theory socializing.
All About Us
Dear readers, I know I’ve belabored the point above, but I want to make sure you know that you should always keep in your small minds that any advice I give to the more important figures in this quickly-losing-any-sort-of-validity movement known as political/cultural conservatism also, always, and already applies to you, too. To echo the ideas many of the faux-populists looking to bilk us out of money to advance their personal life-projects in the guise of service to the nation, I’m concerned with bettering the lives of the American people. And you are, of course, quite welcome. If you follow these fantabulous home-spiffing ideas that’ll also keep doing all you can to stymie, sink, and scuttle the totally-legit-let’s-call-it-a-witch-hunt-because-Trump-did Mueller probe in the forefront of your mind. When your entire life, down to the stuff you sit. on, eat off of, and sleep under, is suffused by an idea, in this case, unquestioning worship of DJT, it’s a lot harder to resist abdicating the corporeal real estate known as your brain to it. For some reason that baffles everyone outside of our community, this is deeply important to us right-wingers. Now, you can truly live an un-probing approach to opposing the Muller probe by arranging your home based on that excellent life choice!
Also: What to serve at a party at your place for the Supreme Court justices.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
