Comin’ through–what are you gonna give us in return, not because it’s the right thing to do?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, tashatuvango.
It’s such a pleasure to be penning a column for the website I’m going to act like I’ve heard of before that emailed outta the blue to act as digital filler with my ridiculously right-ist views on a topic of my choice! Hey, there, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. As I mentioned, I have literally no idea who you are. And frankly, nothing–besides the truth about what went on between the Trump campaign and Russia–could possibly interest me less. I know all I need to know, which is that you’re members of my self-styled tribe, the right wing. That’s good enough for me, which is an admittedly lower-than-low bar these days for both each individual member of the right and all of us as a collusive collective.
Something I don’t know is how I could get any smarter, and because I’m a passenger on this ship of self-satisfied fools called the conservative community, if I don’t know something, it can’t be known, inherently! That’s the “logic” of our self-involved, self-centered, self-deluding–and self-defeating, to boot–approach to life in 2018, readers, in case it wasn’t clear as the Potomac River isn’t because the dirtiest souls in the world, Congressional Republicans, are leaking their discharge like drool off a mouth-breathers chin, live, work, and play pretty freaking dangerous games with political protocol for their master, Trump, right nearby. They also trade political favors there, too, and that’s what I want to talk to you about while I have your ear…er, eye, my new BFFs here at SYRW, about today, vis a vis a little thing called the escalating trade war with China and how we can use the Republican politics-as-usual penchant for I’ll-scratch-your-political-STD-if-you-scratch-mine to win it. There are a number of ways, and I’m going to go over my fudged-up favorites below.
Related: 4 Reasons the tiny house movement is vital to the existence of the Alt-right.
Tricks of the Trade
In the gay-male argot, “trade” means a person you have, are, or want to hook up with. And hooking up is the first way we can use give-and-take in this high-stakes, make-or-break game of political chicken–because it’s all just a big game to us Alt-ers, now that we’ve checked out of living in a cooperative society.
As this week in Washington gets going, China has already adopted a publicly flexibly but privately rigid stance on two of the most contentious parts of President Donald J. Trump’s stance on trade with that nascent superpower. After Trump, Mr. Supposedly-Good-Negotiator-Who-Couldn’t-Keep-a-Helium-Balloon-Business-Afloat made two demands ahead of talks set to begin this week, Chinese officials privately agreed they would refuse to discuss them.
“Those include a mandatory $100 billion cut in America’s $375 billion annual trade deficit with China and curbs on Beijing’s $300 billion plan to bankroll the country’s industrial upgrade into advanced technologies like artificial intelligence, semiconductors, electric cars and commercial aircraft,” reported Keith Bradsher of The New York Times Monday.
Lemme just cut to the chase, SYRW readers. Chinese President Xi Jinping is a man, and every man starks barking eventually. So let’s get our hottest Russian hooker–among us rightists, there’s no distinction between the U.S. of A. and Russia, let’s be real–and pull a. Matahari on him. Our vodka-guzzling escort should get him all hot and bothered, but refuse to go that last step–the point when you can get a man to promise to do anything–until he signs a paper saying China will be open to U.S. demands on trade.
Political Swap Meet
This next idea we volunteer Kellyanne Conway for. Because if you put her in a polyester track suit, that, the buckets under her eyes, and desperate-for-a-hot-oil-treatment hair would make her indistinguishable from that toothless Deplorable mom of 18 you saw at 7-11 last week buying a pack of Newport 100s. Conway could put on a marron jogging suit with white piping down the sides and manage the First Annual White House Political Favors Swap Meet. There, among the green grass and pink-and-white cherry blossoms, she could negotiate prices up, down, and sideways with Chinese diplomats in the area of trade talks content.
Just imagine Conway sitting at a card table, filing her one chipped nail among others that are way too long and chewing gum–even tobaccy!–the grand dame of this I’ll-Trade-You-My-Insistence-on-Certain-Tariffs-for-Your-Desire-to-Ship-as-Much-Lead-Painted-Toys-to-the-US get-together. She’ll finally be in her strung-out-looking element. Although, she’ll have to take the giggling down a notch, as people who are having swap meets are always in foul moods, and who can blame them!
And: Resolving conflict with the #LanguageofHealing.
Trading Political Places
The employment-based sense of this wonderful word, “trade,” can be used another way that Trump and his admin could take advantage of to affect the outcome of their Sino-negotiations. He or someone just a little less unhinged but who despises people of non-European ethnic origin as much as him, like Senior White House Counsel Stephen Miller, could warmly welcome President Jinping to the White House, with all the public ceremony, colorful pomp and musical circumstance that implies, then take the Chinese leader into private room.
Miller could then say that though the U.S. political profile is diminishing faster than lies trip clumsily of Sarah Huckabee Sanders tongue–again, because it’s all a big game–we still have some power in the international community. And we’ll trade Jinping up–or down, as the case may be–for a newer, dumber, more pliable model but quick. That is, if he doesn’t bend over for us. We’ve been kingmakers, and we can still, just barely, be. Your choice, Xi Jinping. Your choice.
Hush, My Sweet Conscience
I hope that simultaneously stultifyingly boring and electrifyingly stimulating stroll down Inane Idea Lane was as good for you as it was for me. Let’s all light up cigarettes in the hot-and-humid afterglow! To be frank, sometimes I wish I’d think before these lewd metaphors fall out of my mouth like bad-breath bacteria. But, what’s done is done. And what isn’t done we can always hope to do worse and worse in this never-ending descent of the right wing into complete and utter moral depravity. The step in that slow march that I hope I’ve convinced you that we need to take, as a people–if we can still be called that, given that “people” implies the ability to identify clearly-right from clearly-wrong, is to exchange political-ask-a for political-get-b, writing off this debased, transactional approach to politics policy-making savvy, the way the world works. Then it’s all Alt-A-OK!
Also: The 4 right-wing hair care products you simply must try out now.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
