These hallowed halls have been home to some seriously f—-d up decisions./Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Peter Lakomy.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
T’is I, Julia Kidd, the yummy-related columnist here at everyone’s pointless Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). Let me finish chewing this bite of food I’m doing a taste-test on, before I continue…Jeez–that felt like an eternity! I just get so excited to share things with you sometimes, but I also have to do my tasting, toasting, and tastebud-titillating for upcoming columns. We all know it’s bad form to talk with your mouth full, though. Of course, the right wing seems utterly unconcerned with decorum, propriety, or seemly comportment in any way these days, so perhaps when I get the subtle, social cue from my peers I’ll be spitting food all over you when we talk! One truly never knows in the bottomless abyss that is the Trump Era. And one must never stop dreaming–or eating! This week, I thought I’d offer some meal ideas for the next time you have all nine Supreme Court justices over to your house for dinner, which I know is a super-common occurrence for you. As it is for me!
Related: Transform your home into a Mick Mulvaney palace intrigue palace of intrigue.
Loud and Clear…and Blunt
Soon after the Senescent Supreme Court-ers came over, you’d remember this, but it’s always good to be armed with knowledge (even though it’s not a gun) before you need it. When rubbing elbows with those who’ve rubbed Ben Gay on their elbows, you must at all times, no matter what, do-or-die, without fail speak loudly and slowly. Anything that you might normallysaylikethis you should instead  S  A  Y. L  I  K  E.   T  H  I  S.
The older you get, the fucker f—s you have to give about anything, including not saying exactly what you think at all times. So, when you’re mad old like the Amendment-Interpreters, you have exactly zero left to give. They’ll be telling you exactly what they think about everything, including you, your entertaining skill or lack thereof, and on and on. Keep an extra fork to stab yourself with to quietly deal with the irritation this causes you. Yes, Alt-righters, you’re going to have to be the bigger people in this situation, something you’ve never done before and I feel just awful asking you to do. But just this once, I promise. We Alt-ers are a proud, pathetic people, after all.
Time Heals All Cultural Wounds
It remains to be seen, nonetheless, how mofo long it’ll take the U.S. of A. to recover from the Naughty-Nine-decision to let President Donald J. Trump’s Muslim ban stand this week. Anywho, your first consideration when planning your jubilant judiciary joviality is the following: time. The olds like to sleep early, get up early, and eat early. So, you should plan to eat dinner at about four o’clock p.m., perhaps even three-thirty. Who says you can’t have a damn good time before the sun sets?! Only unwise young’uns, that’s who! Back in our day, the kids knew to keep their lips zipped and defer to the wrinkled among us! I don’t know what this world’s coming to. Do not know what it’s coming to. Before you know it, there’ll be people who aren’t senile making decisions that will affect hundreds of millions of people for decades–maybe even centuries–to come. Unacceptable, I tell you–unacceptable.
Pardon Us for 10 Minutes
Another important thing to keep in mind when you’re hosting everyone’s favorite old-as-the-next-to-Capitol-Hills crew is that while walking five feet would take, say, a 40-year-old about three seconds, for these robe-clad wonderful-ites it’ll likely take about 100 million trillion years. While everything in you may want to scream, “Can you hurry the f–k up already?!!,” push that urge down, as you do with the one to be compassionate in your Alt-life-project. Also, when these oldies-but-goodies are in your domicile you can always take out your anger in passive-agressive ways that are much more becoming, such as scrolling through your phone, one hip jutting out, and sighing loudly and repeatedly. The Bench-Based Nine would be hard-pressed to notice, as they’ll be busy shuffling from the front door to the nearest seating area, a path to which you should clear out before they arrive, placing furniture to its sides for them to hold on to as their Bell’s-Palsy-tremor-ing selves dodder over to the couch.
When they sit down, emitting uncomfortably loud, “Uuuuughs!,” you should make some small talk. For example, you might ask Justices Ginsburg, Sotomayor, Kagan, and Breyer how it feels to be the only ones with brains on this legal eagle team. Or you might as Justice Kennedy how it feels to have half of a brain–as in, how is legalese life different when you’re a cojones-less centrist? Or perhaps pose a query to Justice Roberts to encourage him to regale you with some disturbing stories of his life as a frat bro with a J.D. Perhaps steer clear of the pubes-on-a-Coke-can stories that are likely to come from the #himtoo dude before the #metoo movement, Justice Thomas. Finally, you could engage Justices Alito and Gorsuch in some buttheaded banter about their lives as new kids on the Constitutional block.
And: Get some products to help you say things loud, because if you say it LOUD it’s TRUE.
The Place-It-In-Historical-Context Settings
Because your ancient guests are likely going to eat approximately two ounces of food, as the elderly are wont to do, the arrangement and comeliness of the dining area take on more importance than they would for a party that included mostly guests who still have the ability or desire to taste, a.k.a., younger peeps..
Decorate with your own answer to the following question in mind: if I were a juris-doctor-nerd rapidly passing my prime, what would please me to be surrounded by? The ideas are coming to you fast and furious as a Scalia-like-cultural-vengeance legal decision, I have no doubt.
Remember, attending to their likely health-based concerns is of prime importance when entertaining the decrepit. So, hang a Life Alert™ necklace on the back of each chair. The rest I can scarcely prepare you for beforehand, as I’m not aware of the particular medical needs of each justice. However, having known an Advanced-American or two in my day and becoming one myself, I can take a good guess, so keep reading.
Meds Are Food Too
Two things of prime importance as we age are the following: pills and trying to poop. So get a big ol’ tub of laxatives and make it the utilitarian-but-attractive centerpiece of the dining surface. Also, get some of the following prescriptions from an oldster you know and place one of each next to a full glass of water in front of every place setting: Aricept (for Alzheimer’s), Norvasc (for high blood pressure), Lipitor (for high cholesterol), and Prednisone (for arthritis and lots of other inflammatory conditions). This is called cutting to the medicinal chase, and it’s very thoughtful.
Finally, Some Food Ideas
I, Julia Kidd, trust you my fellow Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) to come up with some fantabulous meal ideas on your own, because honestly, this article seems like it’s gone on for an eternity, despite my eminently readable, charming writing style full of whimsy and joy. Still, when whipping together some dishes for the justices–and injustices–who’ll soon bring their be-robed selves to your door, keep these phrases in mind: low on flavor, high in fiber, easy to chew. You’ll be good to go in terms of barely-palatable, high-bowel-not-legal-motion-ing, mastication-friendly victuals!
Discourteous Disclaimer
I’m guessing you’re having fun just reading this post, dear SYRW readers. It was pretty snarky and mean at times, so it must be said we actually have mad respect, love, and feelings of downright worship for our elders. It’s just that teasing, ribbing, and poking fun are our collective way, here at SYRW, of showing affection–always walking that razor-thin line between just enough and too much, of course. Some of our best friends are old people, to use the classic prejudice-justifying phrase! In fact, many of the most beautiful, meaningful, cherished relationships of our lives for all of us here at the cramped, claustrophobic SYRW offices are with people of advanced years: our grandparents! Mad love to them! Besides, if it weren’t for the mature-of-mind, we can’t imagine who would tune into the paranoid, ignorant rantings of the “journalists” at good ol’ Fox News. This alone is reason enough to host a Supreme Court Justice dinner for just you and nine of your best friends!
Also: Get the deets on the five right-wing primetime dramas you need to be watching!
Until next week bon appetit, cheers, and salut.
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