We’re so cute–buy our records!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Glenda Powers.
Rock-on, Red-State Reactionaries!
We at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) are quite certain we don’t need to point out that it’s time for our weekly Entertainment post, wherein our very own music, television, film, and whatever-else-we-feel-like fills you in on the latest in putting both your bare feet on the furniture and one hand in your pants–like, tucked behind the waist, not all the way down, you Alt-perverts!–bringing down the house diversionary fare. This week’s it’s the 3 boy bands, the eternal favorite of teenage girls for time immemorial, who have band practice on the conservative end of the political spectrum, because that’s where their political proclivities lie. I, Pietro Travesty, SYRW’s music critic, must warn you, these fellows are not the sharpest tools in the Alt-shed. In fact with the dual idiocy of being conservative and in boy bands, they’re pretty much the most brain-dead dudes you’ll ever come across. Let’s get to know them better.
Backstreet Deal Boys
This five-member musical troupe of hotties, all catering to young women who like a little something different in the bone structure and body type of their lunatic crushes just released its eponymous debut album. AltJ McLean, Howie R-Mu (short for “music”), Nick Carter Page, Kevin Richardnixonson, and Lyin’ Littrell expressed great pride in their freshman foray into pop music–and high hopes for it, too.
“We even helped write one of the songs, ‘Let’s Have a Republican Party,’ which was inspired by the Backstreet Boys’ “Let’s Have a Party,” Richardnixonson told me when I sat down with them in the Warner Koch Brothers offices.
I didn’t bother pointing out that back in the day, before corporate handlers pulled the puppet strings of most musical acts, bands usually wrote all their own songs. I also didn’t point out that their canned, generic, nursery-rhyme excuses for songs–though undeniably catch–weren’t much to be proud of.
The Boys hope that their auto-tuned voices, meaningless lyrics, and dude-dancing will come together to bring the point home to young women that they shouldn’t settle for any guy but the most arch-conservative.
“Sure, we didn’t go to college–or even senior year of high school, in a couple cases, but we’ve been being pushed by our right-wing parents to do something we didn’t really want to do since we could talk or walk. And that says something about our dedication to bringing home the message of the right through teenybopper tunes,” said Littrell.
Boy bands, McLean noted, thrive on one of the favorite categories of items for the right: useless, poorly-constructed merchandise you don’t need, i.e., everything in the Western world.
AltSYNC
When studio head-honchos approached Justin Tamerlane about forming the next big boy band with Chris Kirkpatrickgates, Joey Fatoneamericanews, Lance Bassprofishing, and JC Shasay, he admits he was skeptical.
“I didn’t want to just do the same old boring boy band thing,” Tamerlane said. The fact that AltSYNC puts an oh-so-Republican spin on the regular hunks-who-can-carry-a-tune-but-barely fare made him jump at the opportunity to warble about limited government, “personal responsibility,” and the Second Amendment.
As with Backstreet, the group unanimously agreed that “Reparative Therapy for Bi-Bi-Bisexuals” is their collective most-beloved tune on their freshman album, “Lots of Russian Strings Attached.”
And: How to eat while still expressing faux-shock at the Comey Memos.
“How are we different than other boy bands? Very! For example…well, we…see, the thing is…well, make sure to go out and buy ‘Lots of Russian Strings Attached when it drops on November 6th, 2018!” Kirkpatrickgates.
Just before our interview concluded, Shasay, visibly perked up and interjected, “I know how we’re different, or at least why we shouldn’t be disregarded.”
After I got over the shock of Shasay’s use of a three-syllable word, he continued. He said that just as it wouldn’t be fair to write of DJT because he’s “just” another entitled rich, non-Jewish white guy, so it wouldn’t be fair to write AltSYNC off because they’re “just” another collection of mediocre-at-best cuties who belt out innocuous words for hundreds of millions of dollars in royalties. Well played, JC. Well played indeed.
Old Boys Network on the Block
Aah, yes, the Old Boys, they who refuse to bow out from the boy band scene gracefully, mostly because they bought a lot of shizz on credit as soon as their debut album went platinum, and now they desperately need a way to pay it off. It sounds super-Republican to me already!
This Boston-based quintet–Jordan and Jonathan Knight Terrors, Joey Trumps Ruining The McIntyre World, Donnie “Build the” Wahlberg, and Danny Irressponsiblysourcedwood knew they had to get back together to record one–possibly two and three–more albums when President Donald J. Trump was elected.
“We all had the same thought on the same day–and what’s shocking about that isn’t the sameness part, but that we all had a thought at all,” said Terrors.
Their humble beginnings on the mean streets of blue-collar Boston and their shameless appropriating of African-American musical culture give this group’s music an unmistakable and uncomfortable-for-the-right urban feel.
“All of us grew up listening to Michael Jackson, Prince, and Whitney Houston. Then we turned eighteen and realized we had to distance ourselves from them because of their skin color, in the conformist, traditionalist circles we ran in,” offered Wahlberg, casting his gaze downward as he said this.
Also: Get EPA Director Scott Pruitt some parting gifts, cuz you know he’s outta there soon.
Download a Load of Crap
My humble suggestion to you, dear SYRW readers, is that you download the three aforementioned bands’ albums and listen to them–really get to know them–in private, first. The moving lyrical poetry, graceful melody, seamless harmony, and overall staggering artistic achievement is something you need to experience alone. Take it all in, let it become part of your non-Jewish, white, male, heterosexual DNA. After that is when you should share it with other Alt-ies–in the car, at a party, wherever. Music brings people together, as I always like to remind my readers any chance I get. That is, of course, unless it’s specifically mean to tear people apart or celebrate that tearing apart, which are now both Alt-right practices.
Next week, our Entertainment column here at SYRW is going to be a big hit with all our readers, I bet, but I can’t tell you exactly what it is–just log on to find out! Have an Alt-ishly great week until then!
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