He’s acting–but not pretending in any way!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Chris Titze Imaging.
Fiduciary Felicitations, right-wing finance fans!
It is I, Snoozie Storman, Spread Your Right Wings’ (SYRW) with another Alt-article covering all topics related to that which makes the Republican world–and really the whole world–go ’round: money, Benajmins, chedda, green, call it what you like, the hideous truth is it can get you anything you want. And I think you, dear Alt-readers of mine and ours know, when I say that, it’s true: anything, everything, anyone, and everyone has a price. You just have to find it in a bottomless pit called “Nothing’s Off Limits.” That’s why Mick Mulvaney is inching closer to Donny J. Trump as the number one hero of contemporary right-wing politics after his no-holds-barred, lettin-all-the-depravity-hang-out speech to the American Bankers Association during their conference in Washington, D.C. this week, as reported by Glenn Thrush of the New York Times.
Related: Using the #LanguageofHealing to resolve your Alt-conflicts.
Well, our very own Bubbles MacMillan, right-wing Gossip columnist here at SYRW, got her hands on–we can’t tell you how or from whom–the scripts for the commercials Mulvaney’s considering to openly advertise his political-favors services. Now that the cat’s out of that bag, he figures why not? And we, as Alt-sheep, agree! Here are some of the television spots Mulvaney and his people are considering running
Screaming Stuff Makes It So Appealing
Mick Muvaney in way-too-excired, abrasive sales-y voice: Hey, hey, hey, lobbyists! They call me, Insaney Mulvaney, cuz my political-favor prices are so low, it’s INSANE! There isn’t ANYTHING I won’t do or say, as long as the price is oh-so-Alt-right! I’m having a sale–political favors in exchange for dough! Everything must go: Morals! Ethics! Protocol! Nothing stays! People keep asking me, “Are you outta yer mind? What’s ahead in 2-0-1-9?! And I say, I sure am loony as they come–loony for gettin’ things done!! It’s gettin’ zany up in here, folks! Only $63,000 down and 0% A.L.T. financing. Take home a political operative today–me! Take ME home! I won’t rest until YOU’RE happy! If you’ve got the dime, I’ve got the time, and it’s not a crime! It’s the Trump E-R-A and it’s all about pay to play! There’s nothing that ISN’T for sale, in case that wasn’t clear! Sell! Sell! Sell! And Buy! Bye, bye democracy! Just knock knock on my door-door and tell me you’ve gat something you need done-done. Bring your checkbook, but don’t bring your scruples! I know I won’t! I’m liquidating my entire showroom stock, and I’ve slashed through prices like they were the Constitution!
Super-fast male voiceover: No rules and no restrictions apply. Offer good for those with approved skin color. Unlimited time offer only. Tax reform for corporations and two random tariffs on steel and aluminum where applicable.
A Long-Form, Faux-Reasoned, Dulcet-Totes Approach
MICK MULVANEY: Hi, my name is Mick Mulvaney. And like so many of you, I spent most of my adult life butting heads with two little things called checks and balances. They were constantly frustrating me when I was trying to succeed in politics. I tried everything–going through regular political channels, trying to learn the political game from more seasoned politicians, even begging for understanding from my constituents on national TV– there’s me on a popular evening news program. When I look back at myself then, I feel sad, because that guy was trying his best, but it just took so long and required so much hard work to get accomplish things D.C. Then one day, I came up with my patented three-part system, The Mick Trick.
Every Mick Trick comes with my special saliva. Yes, that’s right: my saliva. For licking boots.
WOMAN CUSTOMER TESTIMONIAL: For years, I worked on Wall Street, and I constantly found myself, frankly, angry when I continually came across people who wanted to do politics above board and by the books. Then I tried The Mick Trick. And it changed my life [laughs]. I’m a Mick Chick for life now. As a mom, I was concerned about the hygiene issues related to saliva. But I was assured that the saliva had been sterilized. And Mick’s a Republican politician, and I’m a member of the right-wing, so I have no reason not to believe him.
MICK MULVANEY Part 1–TELL: As in, you tell me what you need done, from a vote swayed to a regulation scrapped; Part II–NEGOTIATE: I work with you to figure out a price for my services that’s fair for both of us. Part 3–DO: I go out and do the thing we talked about it the first step. No quick fixes, snake oil, or outlandish promises. It’s just simple bribery.
MALE CUSTOMER TESTIMONIAL: I’ve tried a lot of other political depravity programs, and none of them was as easy to understand or effective as The Mick Trick. They all included compunctions about doing clearly immoral things. But I haven’t found that with The Mick Trick. I highly recommend it to anyone who thinks–knows, actually–that they’re above the law…better than the law, to be honest. I never thought I’d say these words, but I really like his saliva.
MICK MULVANEY: Call now to get my free booklet that includes everything you need to know to make The Mick Trick work for you like it has for hundreds of others. 866-666-EVIL.
Chasing Ambulances But Not Your Vote
If you or someone you know have been incorrectly diagnosed with Good Person Syndrome, call the law offices of Mulvaney and Mulvaney. We’ve collected hundreds of thousands of dollars for ourselves in the pursuit of your political asks. If you have the money, we have the solution. 866-POLITICAL-GANGSTA.
Maybe Mulvaney Needs to Be Medicated
TENDER FEMALE VOICEOVER: If you’re doing things by the political books, you’re living a “perhaps” life. Perhaps you’ll prevail. Perhaps you’ll get what you want. But sometimes “perhaps” doesn’t feel good enough. Talk to your doctor today about Virtukill today. Because you’re better than “perhaps.” There is hope, and Virtukill may be able to help. Side effects include nausea, vomiting, and water falling from the eyes. If you experience thoughts of fear, anxiety, or misgivings, stop taking Virtukill and call Mick Mulvaney immediately. In rare cases, patients have reported suicidal thoughts and attempts, because they’ve felt guilty for being such twisted people. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, call 911. And don’t live a “perhaps” life.
And: Join us as we climb Mt. Votersuppression!
It’s Just Entertainment, Ultimately
INTENSE MALE VOICEOVER: Tuesday night, Mulvaney’s in for the fight of his life.
MICK MULVANEY: Look, I’m going to do this favor for this banker, one way or another. Either get on board or get out of my way.
INTENSE MALE VOICEOVER: But someone comes in between Mick and his Banana Republicanism who could change everything.
MICK MULVANEY: Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?
INTENSE MALE VOICEOVER: Find out what happens when, for the first time, Mick feels shame about what a disgusting piece of trash he is.
MICK MULVANEY (CRYING): I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Mom. I don’t know if I can do this!
INTENSE MALE VOICEOVER: And then, things take a turn so shocking, so unbelievable, it’s totally predictable in the Trump Era. Friday, on The Mick Fix.
You Gotta Get a Gimmick
So sang Gypsy Rose Lee in Stephen Sondheim’s classic musical, Gypsy, and apparently, Mick Mulvaney feels the same is true for him. Holy, Alt-moly, that’s good stuff, fantabulous SYRW readers! There’s so much we as the publc don’t know that the endlessly smart, savvy politicians we’ve put in power do in their martyr-like efforts to take care of us by looking after our interests. I mean we’re the customers at the banks whose CEOs are the ones bribing Mulvaney. So through flawless logic parallel to that of Trickle Down Economics, in Trickle Down Bribery, when bankers are able to get what they want from people like Mulvaney, so to will we be able to from our banks. A happy banker is a happy bank is a happy banking customer. We love all of these commercials and think they do a stellar job helping Mulvaney turn his political tricks on the Alt-block.
I better run, my lovely readers, so I can find more fun, cash-check-or-charge-related nonsense to fill you in on in next week’s Money column by yours truly. There’s a whole world of fudged-up-financial news out there I need to make sure you’re up-to-date on!
Until then, remember: cha-CHING!
Also: The truth behind the Ronny Jackson drama!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
