As long as the red arrow takes over and dominates the blue one, we’re fine with resolving conflict!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, iQoncept.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
Can I, Dane Scarnegie, the Health columnist at this, your favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) be frank with you for a moment? I can? Good. Then, allow me this: everything wrong in the world is our fault, we right-wing a-holes. Were it not for us and our ornery, contrarian, generally oppositional approach to politics, humanity would have entered a halcyon era of peace, goodwill, and everlasting love. And we’re proud of our world-ruining efforts, dammit. Look how well–how wellness–we’ve done! Nevertheless, there may be some instances in which you, my dear, sweet conservatively cranky readers, may want to take the discord you initiate down on a notch. Not in, like, a bleeding-heart way, of course. Oh, no! Absolutely not, but in more of an even-we-are-human-and-may-want-to-lessen-conflict in some situations. Below are some tips on how to do so.
Related: See how to repair the damage the Trump-era is doing to your hair.
I’m OK, You’re Not OK–But We Can Pretend Your Are for the Time Being Insofar as It Serves My Alt-Purposes
“Conflict between people is a fact of life–and it’s not necessarily a bad thing,” reads an article on managing interpersonal conflict by the good folks at Our Family Wizard. Amen to that! This site offers lots of great–for our purposes, let’s call them “crafty”–methods of getting to a place where all parties in a dispute feel heard and as if their needs have been met in getting to a place of resolution. I’ll review five techniques they recommend using in the pursuit of person-to-person peace.
Defusing, wherein you locate and highlight some “truth” you can acknowledge, even commend, in the stance of the person or persons you’re in conflict with. For example: “You say, ‘Taking away women’s right to reproductive health is decreasing the agency they have over their own bodies and medical destinies, which is sick, wrong, and deserving of punishment.’ I agree with the last part of what I just said–you are sick and wrong, and you do deserve to be punished.”
Empathy, wherein you show that you understand how another person feels. For example: “I bet you feel pretty pathetic, because I’m wealthier than you and constantly look for ways to avoid paying taxes, because I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need the services they pay for, for the most part, even though an overall healthier society benefits all stakeholders, and I’m a dummy.”
Exploration, wherein you pose placid, investigative queries. For example, “Are there any other namby-pamby, grow-a-spine-already, liberal-wussy things you’d like to bring up right now?”
When-You/I-Feel Statements, wherein you take responsibility for your feelings and simultaneously avoid blaming the other party. For example, “When you get deported because you’re Mexican and jumped the border, I feel happy, because you deserve it, and worse.”
Stroking, wherein you point out good things about your fellow-conflict-haver. For example, when I look into your big, beautiful soul, evident through the window that is your eyes…I can see myself reflected in your pupils, and that’s always fun for me.”
Lucky Seven Strategies
Donna Cardillo, R.N., offers seven strategies for resolving conflict with another party or parties, over at her professional website. Again, I’ll name and exemplify them.
And: How to eat while continuing to express faux shock at the Comey Memos.
“Deal with it”: I’m not so sure this is a big issue for most of us reactionary types. We love to get up in people’s faces about stuff, given that we’ve generally been guaranteed not to lose anything in initiating conflict-escalation. This Cardillo woman’s probably a liberal!
“Think!”: Now, this one is hard for us Alt-righters. Not only do we prefer knee-jerk emotional reactions over thoughtful analysis, we’re not very smart. But if we think through a conflict in conversation with someone not directly involved, Cardillo says we might avoid unproductive interactions over it.
“Talk it out, face-to-face”: Cardillo says to deal with the conflict courageously and in person with those you’re butting heads with. OK, fair enough. We like fighting…er, we meant, “mature and pacifistic interactions that get us to ‘yes.'”
“Use a mediator”: Uh, no thanks, Donna. We’re Alt, and we don’t ask for help. We’ll just use the self-made man philosophy, successful as it’s been for us increasingly destitute, ill, and irrelevant Alt-righters. We’re too proud to ask for help, and it’s gonna stay that way!
“Apologize when appropriate.“: It’s never appropriate, because we’re always right. ALT-right? You think we’re going to deliver a perceived blow to our massive egos, by, for example apologizing for electing a president even when secretly hate now? Ha–good one, liberal! Moving on!
“Choose your battles.”: All of them. War is good. Next!
“Work to minimize conflict.”: Only if we can get paid a white, wealthy, man’s wage, i.e., more than we or our work is worth.
“Work on your own communication skills.”: That’s what we’re doing in this article, Donna Cardillo, R.N. Jeez, you liberals!
“Avoid troublemakers as much as possible.”: Well, Donna, we are the troublemakers, so that’s going to be hard. But your point is somewhat well-taken, then distorted for our twisted Alt-right purposes.
Python Ain’t Just a Programming Language
When all else seems to fail, I have some advice I made up on my own, gleaned from my years and years of flipping idly through self-help books while waiting out the commercial breaks on Fox News. Do this: give the person you’re having issues with a big bear hug. Except, make it a big python hug. Squeeze the life out of him, preferably just this side of the point of death.
Time to Harvest
Armed with the above knowledge–and with a hell of a lot of guns–you have the tools to first sow discontent, then rip out that which you’ve sown violently and angrily, even though the methods I’ve outlined are hippie-dippie and flower-power peaceful. As Alt-righters, we need to remain in control of every side of the antagonistic equation we never solve for x in. We, the conservative coalition, can’t lose any more cultural power to liberals, Hispanics, Muslims, Jews, women, the handicapped, the LGBT, the poor, and all the other minority groups we vilify and scapegoat. Resolving conflict, as distastefully kind and kum-ba-yah as it is, can be manipulated for our Alt-purposes, These include but aren’t limited to: keeping our enemies guessing, looking like the good guy, and getting unsuspecting fellow citizens on our side. What great life goals!
Also: Why the Tiny House Movement is simply meant for the Alt-right!
Now, dear readers, armed with the Wellness savvy you’ve acquired thanks to this website and this article, go forth and increase your health, even if it means–nay, especially if it means–decreasing that of others.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
