Disasters are relative, at least in the current Alt-world./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, karenfoleyphoto.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
One of the things I, Bubbles, and by extension I’m sure you, too, love about our dear, sweet President Donald J. Trump is that neither he nor his administration of kakistocratic embarrassments to humanity–in a good way, of course–do anything (and I do mean anything) by the political books. They came in to Washington, D.C. to blow it up, burn it down, and break the mold, fingers-crossed-hoping that what’s left after can still be a functioning government. If not, hey–we had a good run, right? The end of days had to come sometime, so it might as well be now. And, as we always like to say here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), if the non-Jewish white people can’t maintain they’re death grip on the cultural reins of power, then they’re going to kill the horse. But the bloodbath will be so spectacular, so profound, and so utterly irreversible, there won’t even be a head to put in the beds of women and minorities. It’s as simple as that!
Related: You can still eat even while you express faux-shock at the Comey memos.
Suck-at-Life Scapegoat
Ahead of Jackon’s confirmation hearing for Veterans’ Affairs Secretary, news broke of some oh-so-messed-up behavior partaken in by Jackson in his current position as White House physician.
“Senate Veterans Affairs Committee members are assessing allegations from whistleblowers that have told the panel about nominee Ronny Jackson’s questionable behavior including excessive drinking and a “toxic” work environment under his leadership, according to two former White House medical staff members who have spoken with the committee,” reported CNN Tuesday.
Oh, that naive, liberal media! What they don’t know is that this is all part of an elaborate ruse orchestrated by the androcracy–plus some token women–of Alt-morons at 1600 Pennslyvania Avenue. Follow the “logic,” dear readers: if Jackson seems like a ultra-mega-uber-wreck, then Trump and his crew of cretins will seem tame, teetotaling, and together in comparison! This is straight from the non-Arabia-thoroughbred-because-no-one-wants-a-Muslim-horse horse’s mouth of one of my endlessly connected White House sources.
Genius! Like MacArthur Fellowship, Mensa president, full ride to every Ivy med school genius, let’s be honest.
You Scratch My Back With Money, I’ll Scratch Your Back With Money
“Of course there’s money involved, too–this is Trump we’re talking about,” another one of my so connected it’s almost electric White House sources whispered to me over drinks at The Four Seasons Will Soon Just Be One Long, Fucking Hot One, the new “it” hotel, restaurant, and bar inside the Beltway.
Trump and his acolytes anticipated that even the easily-cowed Jackson, whose pushover vibes come across even through the TV screen, might protest when they suggested this it’s-all-relative plan to him, smearing him to un-smear themselves. He did, and he refused to be a part of it. That is, of course, until the checkbook–or Paypal account numbers–came out. Another gobsmackingly great thing about Trump and his Alt-admin is that the always remember that everyone and everything has a price, you just have to be tenacious in your mendaciousness enough to find it. And they found Jackson’s, after which, he was on boar with their plan like the good, little sailor he is, having been in the Navy.
Rescue Operation
Oh, don’t be sad, my dear Gossipin’ Gabbies! There’s more to this sick, twisted, politics-as-un-usual tale. Not content to leave horrible enough alone, Trump, always looking out for us, his here to eternity supporters, went the extra muddled-mental-case mile, because he cares that much about us.
And: Remain Zen even as the FBI raids your office a la Mikey Cohen, Esq.
“A part of the plan from the beginning, I’m told, was for Trump and his team to leap to Jackson’s defense when the media, Democrats, and liberal pundits began piling on him and calling for the withdrawal of his nomination,” said another source to me while wearing a beige trench coat, dark glasses, and a fedora, seated on a park bench and not looking directly at me.
This source went on to say that Trump and his terrible team know that the American populace loves an underdog, and they also, clearly, given their devotion to him, love it when a person or persons damages themselves through unerring and misguided loyalty. Those focus groups, online polls, and intrusive phone calls sure are paying off. The Alt-president and his team have us all figured out. See we don’t have a problem with a Nanny State, as long as the Nanny is white (orange is fine, too), blue-eyed, blond, and tall! We like ceding our rights, responsibilities, and even the vacuum known as the inside of our skulls to them. The comfort of being taken care of, told what to do, and yes, told what to think, is like a drug. Nay, it just is a drug. It’s the Alt-Kool Aid we’re happy to down like we used to down Busch in a can.
I Need a Drink…And Others Need Percs
It’s no wonder, with all the stress poor Jackson has been under, that he got drunk and wrecked a car. His own job stress also led him to feel great empathy for a stressed-out employee who needed the good doc to do him a solid and “prescribe him [such] a large supply” of Percocet, The Times reported in both cases in a separate article. That’s called being a compassionate boss, and compassion is what the Liberal Loonies are always harping on, it must be said.
Knowledge Is Stupid Power
Knowing what you now know, I’m guessing you want to avail yourself of a similar tired-of-all-the-winning strategy of achieving your Alt-life goals just as Trump and his Merry Band of Idiots did with Ronny Jackson. Who wouldn’t! Here’s a variation on the Ronny Jackson theme: behave like a complete wreck to the greatest extent possible for as long as possible, pretty much until everyone in your life is ready to wash their hands of you. Then, at the last minute, turn your life around. After that, everything even victories, accomplishments, and Alt-achievements that would’ve seemed just moderately laudable to those in your life orbit will seem like the greatest accomplishments since humans harnessed fire, invented the wheel, and invented suppository laxatives! And trying to top that last one is pretty hard, no pun intended.
Go out there, my dears, go out into that world and unleash your Alt-fury onto it using this latest tool of excellence, eminence, and wondrousness of self-realization.
Also: How to heal your hair that’s been damaged by the stress caused by Trump’s constant drama;
Until next week, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
