Want the grand tour? OK, it’s over./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, lowphoto.
Come sit next to me, Alt-design buffs!
In today’s Interiors column here on Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), everyone’s favorite dumb, stupid Alt-right lifestyle blog, I, Marla Stewman, want to discuss with you why the Tiny House Movement is so very important for the so very Alt-right.
The Tiny House movement came to be in this, an era of too-big houses filled with too much stuff. People increasingly want to pare down their belongings to only those that they require to be their very most right-wing selves, And they want to save money–always a fun Alt-right goal, in an extremely small house, rather than a money pit of a McMansion. HGTV even airs a whole show called Tiny House, Big Living, which chronicles the journey from big to little abodes. This can be a big adjustment, of course. But I have some observations that might change the way you think about making it in your own life. Tininess is very Alt-right! And here’s why: it takes a tiny home to accommodate a tiny person. In a normally-sized dwelling, you can feel lost, alone, and even scared. A tiny home allows you feel safe, protected, and oh-so-cozy in a special, Alt-way.
Related: How codependency figures into the relationships on the right of the political spectrum.
Shrunken Tickers
If you feel an unsettling dull, drumbeat inside your upper chest, I have something to tell you that will leave youl breathiing a sigh of relief. That’s caused by the pumping action of an organ culled “the heart,” whose service to the body is what keeps us alive, delivering blood–you know, the stuff we like to drink when it belongs to minority groups–to our vital organs and muscles.
Let’s face it, SYRW readers, our Alt-hearts are small–compact, minuscule, and itsy-bitsy. They can hold only the most limited amount of love, and it can only be for ourselves or members of our self-styled tribe. The only place for these shriveled tickers of ours is a tiny home. There, they’ll be in proportion to their surroundings, leaving us feeling like our diminished capacity to feel for others and our resultant hate-infused politics are a good life-choice.
Mind Your Own Tiny Business
“An overly-restricted-in-size mind can cause headaches, severe migraines, and more severe gray-matter complications,” said Dr, Elliott Gourd, a right-wing neurologist based in Republicanworth, Illinois. In one of those counter-intuitive realities of neuroscience, however, setting up shop in a home of limited breadth can reduce these ailments in the small-minded folk on the right of the political spectrum, also known as “all of us.” In a small space, your mind perceives that it’s not lost in an ever-expanding wildnerness, which overtaxes it, causing inflammation and pain, said Gourd in a telephone interview.
Mini-Mitts
As is well-known throughout the right-wing world and the one filled with actually good people, His Trumpiness is tres insecure about the size of his hands. To support our dear, small-meathook-having leader, we should all behave as if we have teeny, tiny paws. One way to do this would be to move into a tiny house. Living as a member of the tiny-handed community even if you aren’t one is a very Lillput-and-Lollipop-Guild-ed way to understand what it is to be the owner of diminutive dukes, which will make you a much better stupid surrogate for Trump in all your affairs, and he is, after all as has been discussed, the President of pygmy palms.
And: See why David Shulkin was really fired from his post at Veteran’s Affairs.
“When my itty-bitty-handy-committee members have felt that the large-handed community understood them, my research found that all the ailments associated with their challenged,” Gourd noted.
Do you need any more of a reason to grab the hand of a small-mitted-American and raise it triumphantly into the air? Small Hands Across America fa lyfe!
The Incredible Shrinking Demographic
It’s no secret, dear SYRW readers, that the right–especially the unhinged, lunatic, hard-right–is a population whose cultural irrelevance is quickly going the way of the 8-track. This is, of course, not a sign that we should exit the societal scene with some dignity. Tut, tut! A much better way to go is a full-on bloodbath! The bloodletting can start, then, by our digging our claws into the flesh of the nation. However, some manifestations of our ever-more extraneous existences are hard to avoid, even as we refuse to go without a fight. An example of such a reality is where we live, based as it is on our income, and fewer and fewer people want to hire our psychotic asses. So, this last reason the Tiny House movement is oh-so-Alt is really quite practical. Though it does really bring home our troll-under-a-bridge current nature if we spend our days in a cramped, suffocating hovel!
The preferred living-space-size of hags, goblins, and trolls–which is pretty much what we on the right are at this point–has for centuries been narrow and short, in other words, tiny. So whittle down your essentials to the ascetic-in-a-sad-way essentials and get a really little mortgage, we’re all going to a micro-mansion!
We’re Tiny and We Know It
Tiny Tim ain’t got nothin’ on us conservatives. That Dickens novel character was only small in stature. We’re small in so many more, arguably more significant, ways! We might as well change our collective names to small-wing instead of right-wing, SYRW readers? We can work with this, too, do great things with it, this tininess of ours. We can spread out over the U.S. of A. and then the world like a hoard of maniacal ants, infesting every corner of this spinning orb with our hate, bile, and rage. The first step in doing so is making our homes tiny–there’s that wonderful word again–tiny little fortresses. The Loony Left expects us to do everything big, loud, and over-the-top, like our dear leader, Trumperson. With this diminutive approach to living, enacted first by the dwellings we call home, we’ll be harder to spot, our locations more difficult to geo-locate–unless, of course, we’re talking about Cambridge Analytica, in which case we happily hand our information over to them and stay silent when they take it to use against us.
Also: The top 5 Alt-primetime dramas you need to watch–now!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
