“Aww, shucks! Not a good right-wing hair decade!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, deagreez.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties! Guess who it is? Yesiree, it’s I, Emma Winter, the Beauty columnist for the Alt-est website in all the land, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I’m here, as always to advise you on all things beauty and fashion-related. And boy, do we need advice in those departments, because we are some ugly-ass people with bad style. It stems from our hideous political views, this physical heinousness of ours and that sartorial ineptitude we exhibit. But never fear: I completed three semesters of an Associate’s Degree in Personal Styling at Trump University, You know, before it went under for scamming its students. Oh, well! All’s Alt that ends Alt, I firmly believe.
In this week’s column, I simply must talk to you about our collective Alt-right, conservative hair. There’s on an old saying: as goes the right-wing political scene, so goes your hair. OK, ya’ got me. That isn’t an old saying. I made it up. But it’s truer than true, I tell you. Go to a mirror right now and look at your hair! I guarantee you it’s a follicular manifestation of the way President Donald Trump is behaving today, where he’s taking the Republican party we love, and how he’s damaging…er, I mean, making great this country of ours. This can be very taxing–damaging–to our hair. Below I offer some tips on healing the stress your tresses are likely feeling these days. Follow them, and you’ll be turning your head from side-to-side just to make your hair move with it, in slow-motion of course, as if you were in a shampoo commercial.
Related: We review Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calf.)’s new book, An Orange-r Loyalty.
Smooth Moves
“O, what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive.” So wrote Walter Scot in his “Marmion.” And ain’t it the truth! Perhaps Team Trump should get t-shirts with this quote emblazoned on them and wear them to work every day. Geoge Papadopolous, Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Carter Page, Donald Trump, Jr, Trump himself, and more.
If you’re anything like us here at SYRW, and you are, you find that every time the Mueller probe, the press, or whomsoever exposes some hideous, new revelation about Trump’s collusion with Russia to get himself elected during the 2016 election, your hair becomes knotty, snarled up, and even matted! Good thing we’re hair…I mean, here…to remind you to spray in the detangler like it’s going out of right-wing style! How would you have that of that super-obvious remedy if we hadn’t?!
Look On the Bright Hair Side
With each passing day of the Trump Administration from hell, its leader and members show themselves to be dumber, simpler, and yes, duller than the awful news-cycle day before it. It can be a real bummer to your soul, and a real duller of your hair’s natural sheen. This is why a daily application of pomade, salve, or gel each time you read, see, or hear of some low behavior by Trump or one in his orbit, I recommend a mad dash to the bathroom to a mad dash to the bathroom to rub some product in it. In fact, go now, and do that.
Straightener
And: The top 5 primetime drams just for the Alt that you must watch now!
Many, many–did I say many?–far-right “news” sites have and continue to document the sad coiffure-based reality that stress caused by the constant misbehavior of the numskull we elected to the highest political office in the land and his team of sycophants causes frizz, flyaways, and general follicular freak-outs. Pulling a wood-bristle brush gently through it once or more each day can help ease the whole “shock of hair” situation. Don’t use a comb or wire-bristled brush, as these implements can break or pull out your hair. In fact, refrain from manipulating your hair too much. It’s not the “editors” at Fox News, and you’re not Rupert Murdoch! Also, straight is good, because it’s not gay.
It’s Good to Be Basic
The millennials say someone’s “basic bitch,” when they wish to express that she’s, well, basically, uninteresting, unimaginative, and unremarkable. Even though that generation is full of humans who the rest of the world, especially the liberal, anti-gun world, valorizes and labels those who will save civilization from us and our right-wing ilk, we know the truth: getting back to basics is advisable, and even laudable. This is why, as we continue to support Trump, or sit by silently as he does wrong thing after wrong thing. our hair can begin to look as dirty as our souls feel. So: wash it! That’s right, lather, rinse, and repeat, dear SYRW readers and beauty-seekers. In no time, you’ll at least look better if not actually be better. Being better will only come when we wash our hands–and our hair–of this orange beast know as The Donald.
The Split Ends Is Nigh
There, that’s better. Now your hair doesn’t look like a combination of a rat’s nest, a desert, a gay person (it’s straight), and a mound of dirt. You can exit your home with your head full of mildly-less-repulsive locks cascading about your face–women must have long hair to pander to heterosexual men’s desire. And everywhere you go, people will wonder how you got such kinda comely head-growths. As a representative of the hard-right end of the political spectrum, this is vital. If our hair doesn’t look as beautiful as our souls are hideous, then how shall we attract more people to our side of the cultural equation? We shan’t, that’s how. For the sake of conservatism; non-equity and non-inclusion; guns, guns, and, more, guns; for the sake of President Donald J. Trump, you must–and now, you will–have good hair. Although, I don’t mean to split hairs about it!
Also: Living the Alt-dream of self-employment.
Oh, my cell phone’s ringing. It’s one of my right-wing-beauty sources to fill me in on all the latest beauty and fashion news in the conserva-community, which I’ll update you on in next week’s Beauty column.
As you go about your right-wing lives this week, remember: Alt-is, as Alt-does, as Alt-looks!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
