“How do I work for? Moi-meme, of course!”/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Viacheslav Iakobchuk.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
Oh, silly me1 Why ask this, when I know the answer: you’re doing Alt-awesome. I know this because it’s been another salacious, obnoxious, unfortunately-loquacious week over at our favorite address, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Tell-alls by the opposition, secret–and likely poorly performed–diplomacy, and social media outbursts to name just a few of the wonderfully Alt-right things, activities, and just plain fun to ooze forth from the highest political office in the land, like maggots from an open wound, the presidency. As seems to be the case every week, I’ve found in my sky-high stack of reader queries an Alt-counsel-seeker to advise based on the shenanigans at the White House–or in this case, the star of it.
In the letter below, a reader, as always presents me with a predicament, and being the advice ninja that I am, I deliver a one-two punch…er karate chop of an answer that provides a neat, pat rejoinder to her question. And, of course, given that I am the advice columnist at an Alt-right lifestyle blog my response to my reader is based on the life, personality, and behavior of an Alt-right figure, nay, THE Alt-right figure: President Donald Trump. Below, I present to you this week’s reader inquiry.
Related: We jack-up the Sinclair Broadcasting script even more!
Dear Kaylee,
I am a 20-something right-wing adherent living in the Southeast. I’m in between jobs, and I think it’s an ideal time to start my own business. This has been a life-long dream of mine. I’m saddled, though, with all the doubts, uncertainties, and hesitations this entails. My wide-open future is both a blessing and a curse, as I feel that if I put all I have, literally and figuratively, into a self-made-man project and it fails, I’m, to use a crass colloquialism, in flattering imitation of the general mode of self-comportment favored by my conservative ilk these days, I’ll be screwed, stewed, and tattooed. To decrease the likelihood of this possibility, I ask you what methods and materials should I use in initiating my self-funded business enterprise.
Wondering in Wichita
Dear Wondering,
First of all, bravo. Just bravo. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back, stroke your own ego, and revel smugly in your embarrassingly favorable self-assessment. You are beginning what will be a magical journey full of anxiety, torturous ups and downs, and likely failure on a grand scale. But in the topsy-turvy, nauseatingly-curvy way of the Alt, that’s not to be avoided–it’s to be actively pursued. Why? Because that’s how our leader, Agent Orange rolls, as the millenial blacks are wont to say. Here’s three ways to follow his lead and get your business off to an iffy, non-spiffy, and so-not-thrifty start!
Together/We’re Gonna Find Our Way
That’s a line from the hit 1980s sitcom, Silver Spoons, and a silver spoon is Step One in achieving your employment-related dreams. So, first, get a time machine and go back to when you were born. Now, come into this world with a soup-ladling sterling piece of silverware resting placidly in your oral cavity. From here on, things will be a cinch. I’m guessing you’re white, as you’re Alt-right and you sound like you’re naively confident that you can have anything you want as long as you work hard enough. This is a basic tenet of the capitalist ethic that informs much of the childish thinking that informs right-wing project these days. You’ve got privilege up the wazoo, Wondering, and from that fecund soil will–possibly-spring a flourishing personal business enterprise.
Pursue Your Patsies
Now, let’s examine what The Donald would do next, after being born so rich it’s right–and Alt-right–as rain. He’d rope some desperate schmucks into his get-rich-quick scheme. Actually, let’s call it your get-rich-quick-or-die-trying scheme. If this causes a flicker of hesitation to shoot like a bullet of doubt down your spine, pay it no mind. That’s years of brainwashing by Liberals in their collective attempt to make us think sound economic policy that protects workers is advisable infecting you like a do-gooder disease. Buck up! Now get some overly-trusting worker-bees–perhaps Mexicans in the Home Depot parking lot–to be the fall guys when your risky venture crashes and burns. Arrange the whole affair so that you’re financially protected, while those you seduce into participating in your injudicious scheme bear the brunt of the fallout when it all comes crashing down around you as if it were a plot to collude with Russia to get you elected.
And: See what really happened when Kim Jong-Un met Mike Pompeo.
No Fear
Now those bumper stickers finally make sense. You can and must go whole hog (swine, not David Hogg) with this new employment experiment of yours, I have (another) two-word phrase to inspire the way I recommend you go about conduction your you-based business endeavor: Reckless Abandon.
That phrase describes the heedless stupidity with which our dear Trump tweets, the regrettable impulsivity with which he speaks, and the ill-informed braggadocio with which he acts. Hence, because the current idol of us conservatives acts this why, and he’s an allegedly successful entrepeneur, so should you start your business inspired by these fantabuloys life choices. What could go wrong? Nothing! Well, OK, a lot of things. But that’s why you have the Mexican rubes on board, to take the heat when this dumb-ass decision of yours goes to pot.
How to Succeed In Business By Maybe Dying
My greatest hope for you, dear SYRW readers, is that you too will find the inspiration to go out and start your own business or pursue whatever foolhardy, ultimately-doomed right-wing-talking-point-based dream you have. You’re worth it, and by it, I mean a dollar amount, one that’s frankly pretty low. But that’s life in Late Capitalism. It’s not you who has value, it’s your earning potential. Attempting to start your own business using the tools I’ve listed above is a great way to sacrifice all you have, financially and figuratively, to our collective cultural pursuit of the fundamentally flawed goals of hard-right conservatism. If you lose your shirt in the process–oh, well. You are, after all, if you’re truly Alt, a proud cog in the GDP-bloating heap of humanity known as “the American citizen.”
By this time next week, when I’ll have more Alt-nonsense to advise you in and with, I hope you’ve sunk your entire life savings into a start-up of some sort, one that you are the CEO of, inspired by Donald and following my orders. Until then, go forth and question very little in life–and send me the resultant few questions.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
