Put the “-un” back in “fun,” as in “unwise political choices.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, ileezhun.
Game-y Greetings, Green-Hating Alt-Guys and Gals!
It’s never been more vital, necessary, and simply required like the coming red election wave that’ll never in a trillion years happen, for us poor, little right-wingers to kick our feet up on a reactionarily regular basis. We must engage in some deadly serious fun from time-to-time. An Alt-righter’s gotta relax his rigid self every now and again, if you ask me, Merri Ment. I am, as you all you regular Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers know. This era of constant chaos, unnecessarily unctuous behavior by our people, and hideously hateful right-wing rhetoric and conservatives undies can really get bunched up, so to speak, given how all this tension makes our butts clench–not to mention our teeth!
Don’t give it another second of your time, worrying that all this stress is eating you alive like a parasite you picked up on a trip you’d never take to a non-white-majority country! Merri Ment’s got ya’ covered. This week I want to review some red-state-reactionary ways you can take a load off. Following my Alt-guidance, you’ll be smiling a smile dumber than Betsy DeVos. And heeding my instructions will cleanse your body of tension much as we right-ers hope to cleanse the U.S.A. of swarthy immigrants.
Hopscotch Neat
Time was, all a red-blooded, American reactionary needed to numb the pain was good, old-fashioned booze, The elixir of the goods, the sauce of the stupids, the drink of dummies. I’m guessing, though, that the constant chaos, collusion, and general conserva-crazy of our dearly elected President Donald J. Trump is making it so that imbibing is leaving a lot to be desired in your take-my-small-mind-off-it pursuits. That’s where Hateful Hopscotch comes in.
To play this god-awful game, draw a hopscotch grid on the nearest asphalt, using this guide from Kids Post if you need a refresher. Instead of writing numbers in it, write the names of things we despise. Some examples of things that ignite our ill-conceived ire include the following: Jews, Mexicans, Muslims, gun reform, taxes, reproductive rights, free healthcare, being woke, etc. Now, toss your stone, using the above-linked article, again, for a memory-jog, and get to jumpin’! Every time your feet land with a thud so pleasing that makes your whole body vibrate with satisfaction on the word or phrase of a phenomenon you Alt-despise, you’ll feeling like you’re killing the Liberal Left’s dreams. And, my right-wing joyousness disciples: that’s exactly what we’re doing every nanosecond of this cultural moment we’re in known as the Trump Era.
Related: The five cosmetics products every right-winger must own.
Double Dutch Heritage
We Alt-righters love to fancy ourselves of Scandinavian stock, when the truth is we’re more likely poly-racial, with the blood of some of the many ethnic groups we hate coursing through our fast-food-clogged veins.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t play jump rope, does it? No, it sure does not.
A popular jump rope ditty from back when I was a kid was sung using the following format: “A, my name is Anna, I come from Annapolis, my husband’s name is Alan, and we sell anti-freeze…B, my name is Barbara, I come from Biloxi, my husband’s name is Bertram, and we sell batteries,” and so on so forth through the EAODL (English as the Only Damn Language) alphabet.
To have some–no, a LOT–of right-wing fun, I want you to sprinkle some Alt on top of that rope-based-chant. For example: “A, my name is Ayn Rand [famous conservative author], my husband’s name is Adolf [duh-who else!?!?] we come from not-Anatolia [that part of the world is too Eastern], and we sell anti-immigrant sentiment…B, my name is Betsy [like DeVos], my husband’s name is Barron [like Trump], we come from Bannon’s-hometown, and we sell bad-political-choices [like the choice to elect Trump], and so on so forth through the EAODL (English as the Only Damn Language) alphabet.
All the Way Homeland
For this last fun-times activity, you’ll need the bare foot of a fellow red-state-r. Ideally, that co-conservative would be a child, but we on the right have become all too comfortable with weirdness, like Trump saying he’d like to date Ivanka and such, an adult is a perfectly imperfect choice too.
Sit facing your naked-pup-ed friend, and as you grab his toes in descending order by size, say, “This little racist went to Charlottesville, this little orange guy went to the White House, this little anti-semite went to Breitbart.com, this little Sinclair Broadcasting journalist went to hell, and this little average American went oh-hell-no all because women and minority groups got some basic rights.” As you say the last one jog your index and middle fingers up your traditionalist pals leg. He’ll giggle, you’ll giggle, and neither of you will be able to wait to start from the beginning all over Alt-again!
And: The truth about Mike Pompeo’s meeting with Kim Jong-Un.
I’m willing to bet a good chunk of my conservative money that you, my retrograde-thinking readers had fun just reading the above 900 or so words! Am I right? How about right-wing? Ha–I crack myself up! The Christian Bible mandates that believers take time off from work, toil, and general grueling. That proves how absolutely advisable and totally tenable it is for you to put your shame at electing President Trump, your many financial worries due to the Republican tax scam, and your fast-fading compunctions about supporting inept and idiotic conservative Congresspeople on a regular basis.
If you didn’t, very quickly, this debased, horrid life of hatred and strife we’re collectively living would become too much for you. Then you’d get sick. And then you might need–oh, god, it’s hard to say–health insurance, possibly from the Deep/Nanny state! I can’t allow you to do that, support, as it would the Liberal Left agenda aimed at taking over our lives and then taking away our guns. I wouldn’t be a very good conserva-celebrity-columnist if I allowed that to happen, let’s face it. And now, with the ideas I’ve given you above, it doesn’t have to happen, not by any means!
While I go out and find more methods of silly, stupid Alt-diversion to suggest to you, you go have fun doing everything I’ve advised above. And I’ll see you–same time, same place–next week!
Also: How codependency applies to current right-wing politics.
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