“‘Oh, my God! I am so very shocked. Mortified, in disbelief, and taken aback.’ Was that believable?”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, pathdoc.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
I, Julia Kidd, the dedicated food columnis over here at everyone’s favorite Alt-right websige that makes you ask the question, “Did I really just spend an hour of my life that I’ll never get back reading that nonsense, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), was a stunned, shocked, and completey taken aback at the boring, inconsequential, essentially meangingless info contained in the leaked memos belonging to one Mr. James “Break Me Off A’ Piece of Him” Or at least that’s what I pretended to be in order to get behind our dear, sweet President Donald. J. Trump who tweeted that Comey’s memos unequivocally show that neither he nor anyone in his orbit colluded with the Russian government. See that Tweet by Donnie McDonnerson below.
James Comey Memos just out and show clearly that there was NO COLLUSION and NO OBSTRUCTION. Also, he leaked classified information. WOW! Will the Witch Hunt continue?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 20, 2018
For a second, I thought, “I’m not really sure the memos accomplish Trump’s total and complete exculpation…” but then I remembered who I am. I’m Alt-right. So, as much as I complain about my incorrect assumption that coastal, liberal elites are “telling me what to think,” I have no problem telling the Boss of All White People, blond, blue-eyed, strong, and strapping Trump tell me what to think. So OK, then, the Comey memos show Trump and his admin didn’t collude and they didn’t obstruct jusfice either.
You, my dear readers, despite your state of utter, complete, and far-reaching shock, need to keep your strength up! We all do. In fact, you need to keep it up because of this eye-wide-opening news. It can be so draining. I have some suggestions for you this week notfor meals, but for how to pretend you’re too shocked to eat, but eat anyway. Read on!
Related: 3 Trump Admin officials audition to interior-design your home.
You’re Eyes Are Bigger Than Your Stomach
One way that we humans–and despite our inhumanly wrong stances on political and cultural issues, I’m pretty sure we right-wingers count as human–express shock is through bluging, unblinking eyes that look like we have some sort of thyroid condition. Unfortunately, eating requires looking at ones food, and you can’t do both at the same time. I know it’s hard for you privileged, non-Jewish, non-Muslim white, heterosexists like me to hear that you can’t do something. We’re used to be coddled by society and thinking there’s nothing we can’t do if our bootstraps are long enough and our arms are strong enough.
Back to how to eat while your eyes bulge out. Bascially, you just have to do it while no one’s looking. There’s no other way! So when all also-bulging eyes aren’t on you, quickly, surreptitiously shovel some food into your gullet. Faster than you can say, “There was collusion, and I know it,” resume your faux-shocked position.
Open Wide and Stay That Way
And : Fill your home with stuff inspired by the biases our Alt-minds are filled with.
You can’t, dear Alt-readers, pick your jaw up off the floor, as people say when they’ve had enough of a bombshell-processing expression. Your mouth must hang agape, your jaws slack, and your lips un-pursed if you’re to keep up the charade that you’re oh-so-blown-away by Comey’s memos.
In order to eat while doing so, you’ll need the assistance of a right-wing confidant, a conservative brother-in-arms (and not “sister, because no other gender matters), and a backward bro (and not “sis,” because…well, you remember, even though our right-wing attention spans are shorter than Attorney General Jeff Sessions, except when it suits our conserv-agenda).
Remain in oh-my-god cake-hole formation, and ask an Alt-pal with good aim–which shouldn’t be heard for you to rustle up, we’re all amazing marksmen (and not “women”…oh, hell, you know what I mean!]). Tell that sharpshooting friend of yours to put some of whatever it is that you want to eat in his hand and get some distance from you. Now, bombs-on-Syria-away! Your friend needs to lob your food into your oral orifice as if he’s a Muslim and you’re a crowded market in Afghanistan, if you’ll excuse me for comparing the proud white race to the craven brown ones.
Still Waters Run Deep
If you’re wondering how to eat while you’re in a state of amazed-in-a-bad way motionlessness. Well, if Mohammed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain has to come to him. I don’t know what sort of Muslimistanian virus has infected me today, as I can’t stop, it appears, with the non-Christian phrases! Hopefully, it’s just a momentary thing that’ll pass, like the self-hatred Ivanka feels from time-to-time for being complicit in her father’s crimes against humanity.
So, if you’re sitting in front of a plate of food–preferably of mushy consistency, which you can learn all about from this previous SYRW Food column–just let your back muscles go slack, like the slack Trump cut Scooter Libby. With any luck, you’ll fall face first into your food. Lift yourself up, still with a catatonic-because-of-cataclysmic-news, and repeat! Pretty soon, whatever food hasn’t splattered all around you or ended up on your face will be digesting peacefully in your tum-tum!
Enough With the Act…For Now
Also: See how to remain calm while the FBI raids your office, like poor Mikey Cohen.
Hey–anybody in there!? Earth to SYRW readers! Come in, SYRW readers. Wow–this is worse than I thought. Or better, actually, you’re all quite good at acting like your surprised, much better than the over the top, hammy President Trump. You’re quite the Method actors. As I said, you can’t stop eating just because you now have the full-time job, in additon to the one you already had, I’m assuming, because you’re not some liberal leech on society who lounges at home and collects welfare benefits because you’re too lazy to work.
I’m glad to know, and will deliver myself some very pleased-with-myself pats on the backs for that fact that I’ve offered you these rather inane ideas about how you can still seem to the world to be in such a complete state of hit by memo lightning, you can’t even be bothered to it. We all know, Trump colluded, obstructed, and much more, but in order to continue supporting him as it would appear our haphazard plan for our side of the political spectrum is, but we can’t ignore the basic instinct of hunger. And we actually really don’t want to, also, because we love basic instincts and making life choices based on them: hate, fear, anger, suspicion and more. The methods of victual-consumption I’ve outlined before will make it possible for you to keep acting like you’re appalled by Comey’s memos, and still get nourishment into your body.
For my part, I have some meetings with some Alt-foodies to brainstorm ideas for future Food columns here at SYRW. I better run–while looking astonished.
So, until next week bon appetit, cheers, and Salut.
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