“Pardon me, but could I have some Rich Man’s Justice?” –Scooter Libby/Image: The Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images via The Washington Post.
What the f–k, what the actual f—–g f–k said. literally, everyone with a non-chewy moral center last week when President Donald Trump pardoned notorious 1990s undercover spy outer, I. Scooter Libby. Jaded, weary people across the nation emitted ho-hum yawns upon hearing it, their repressed rage and acute lack-of-agency causing redness and bumps to sprout up on their skin.
“The president doesn’t think there’s anything wrong or weird about it–in fact, I think he would say it’s an example of ‘winning,'” Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered when CNN’s Jim “Hotness” Acosta asked her if the president thought it at all unseemly or strange that he pardoned Libby, the original sinner of leaks, when he rails about insiders spilling his administration’s cringe-worthy secrets to the press.
Libby leaked the identity of covert CIA agent Valerie Plame Wilson. The reason or reasons he did so are still unclear. Clearly, Libby is Trumpian figure in that he can do something awful and not care at all about the public’s low opinion of him for it, not even to that extent that he feels the need any normal person would to explain why he told New York Times reporter Judith Miller Plame’s name, when to do so endangered her life. When that story broke, Libby tried to conceal that he had done so.
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White House watchers noted that Trump’s out-of-the-blue pardon of a random 1990s convicted felon seemed like a strategic move, which surprised them, considering he usually acts first and thinks never. Hence, a strategy of any sort is rare out of his Administration, and for Libby, it would seem.
“Our thinking is that Trump pardoned Scooter to see how the public would react if he pardons himself or those in his orbit in charges resulting from Robert Mueller’s investigation, and that also if he does so, he can say, ‘Well, see I pardoned Scooter Libby, too, I’m not pardoning Don, Jr. just because he’s my son. I’m just big on pardons.,'” said Daniel Wickett of right-wing think tank The Center for We Got In Bed This Guy and Now We’re Stuck (TCFWGIBTBANWS). President also pardoned Arizona Sherriff Joe Arpaio earlier this year. Two acts of pardon in the first less-than0two years are rare for a president, as pardoning convicted criminals is something most presidents have waited until they’re wrapping up their administrations to do. Again, though, Trump and his administration scarcely concern themselves with norms, protocol, and accepted practices. In fact, his base of supporters probably likes his unorthodox acts of clemency noted Benedict Arnold Professor of People Everyone Hates Studies at Harvard, Professor Stanley Cubson.
Libby penned a stunning work of literary truth-is-stranger-than-fiction titled The Apprentice, and TCFWGIBTBANWS expressed virtual unanimity in the opinion that this was part of the reason Trump took a liking to the Scoots.
“Trump favors easy-to-understand and even-easier-to-remember tidbits of info, so I’m guessing some handler who’s more intelligent than him noted that Libby had penned this mass-market paperback, greasing Trump’s already dripping-wet ego,” said New York Times reporter Jeremy Peterman.
Libby’s life is a long, strange trip starting with his name change from the too-ethnic “Liebowitz” to the overly-familiar “Libby.” Libby’s played it cagey about what inspired the simpleton-esque diminutive “Scooter,” and no one really knows why there’s an “I” before his name. Taking the name-based oddness to an immature-snicker level later in life, Libby got a job at a Philadelphia law firm then known as Dickstein, Shapiro & Morin. That firm’s named changed to Dickstein Shapiro LLP. You would think that if someone were going to change their name, they’d use the opportunity to take the “Dick,” out but in a precursor to the super-stupid Trump Era, Dickstein’s choice to leave the vulgar reference to male junk in that dunderheaded choice makes perfect sense.
“Scooter is smart in a lot of ways. I mean, he couldn’t be a total ass and have gotten this far in…oh, wait…Trump’s president,” said Jerry Doctor, a colleague of Libby’s from his early legal eagle days. “It’s one hundred percent possible that he’s a full moron.”
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Doctor added that whatever his intellectual aptitude or lack thereof, he was always a little odd. He said, sometimes, when they worked in the same office, Libby would hang back any time a group of his coworkers were chatting around the watercooler, but after they left, he’d rush in to stand around the room by himself.
“Trump and Mr. Libby have a lot in common. They’re both ass—-s who are, despite their ass—-ishness, very concerned with what other people think of them, and have giant, bloated egos, kind of like puss-filled zits ready to burst,” said a source close to Trump who spoke to SYRW on the condition of anonymity.
On the other hand, said the same anonymous source, neither of them has a clue how to actually be likable. They kind of just go stumble through their social relationships, neither seeming to gain any insight into how to win the popularity contest they see life as.
Libby got his J.D. from Columbia and his undergraduate degree from Yale University. Before you get to la-de-di about it, remember that he worked for Vice President Dick Cheney and revealed the identity of an undercover spy, and to this day no one really knows why. In Libby’s case, a scholastic record that would be impressive on another person amounts to the ability to take standardized tests well. So really, he’s good at filling in those little bubbles. For more on what awful things Libby–and other sociopaths–will do now that they know it doesn’t really make a difference as long as they get into the good Alt-graces of an easily corruptible monster, like Trump, stay tuned.
Libby married Harriet Grant, an ex-coworker of his from Dickstein. They have two children. Libby lives in McLean, Va. He attended prestigious Massachusets school Phillips Academy in Andover.
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Libby intends to open a political consulting firm that will advise clients how–but not why–they can do reprehensible things and then clumsily cover them up.
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