“OMG–he’s gonna kill democracy! Don’t go in there, democracy!”/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, ikostudio.
*Editor’s Notes: This article is dedicated to my TV-obsessed sister from another mister, Emily Sigall.*
A Boob-Tubular Top-o-the Late Evening To You, Conservative Kooks! It’s Spread Your Right Wings’ (SYRW) very own TV critic. Owlen Glooberman.
We Alt-righters were tired of our spoiled, hands-on-hips, petulant perception that we were being left out of the cultural equation when other people started to get some basic human rights. It seemed to us, in our navel-gazing wait-other-people-have-different-experiences way that all eyes, money, and cultural capital wasn’t on, earmarked for, and invested in us. The moment someone said, “Maybe it’s not the best thing that black people are shot for holding their cell phones,” we responded by saying, “[Insert invalid non-sequitur-based argument].” But that simply wasn’t good enough, far enough, or just-plain-enough for us. And so we put a lunatic in office to torture of fellow citizens for an indefinite amount of time. Now that that’s all taken care of, let’s turn on our TVs, put our dirty shoes up on the table, and drink beer out of a can. Let’s see…what’s on tonight? Liberal nonsense…fake news…don’t know if we like it yet because Sean Hannity hasn’t told us what to think…What’s a right-winger looking for some RR&R–Republican Rest and Relaxation–supposed to do? Funny you should ask! We have the deets on five highly-derivative and low-quality primetime dramas targeted-like-a-gun at right-wing viewers.
And: Take a trip to the corruption-based shantytown in the backyard of the White House!
Wray’s Anatomy
This show is all about an FBI Director with fabulous hair full of body and shine who constantly walks the razor-thin line between being a good person and running afoul of his completely moralless boss while heading up the FBI field office in Seattle. The city of known for its gray skies will soonn be known for its lukewarm professional drama, as you’ll see when you tune in to this riveting but ultimately forgettable–in that way that a lot of TV’s become in the era of 500 shows on the air at once–show, i.e., buffer between commercials to sell you stuff you don’t need to keep the wheels of Late Capitalism churning because we’re all addicted to money and spending and buying.
Madame Press Secretary
If you watch every White House Press Briefing live on CSPAN, and as soon as papers begin to shuffle, reporters begin to murmur, and your bowels begin to slow down you begin to think how about how you can get more of the loquacious lying you’ve just witnessed–and who doesn’t?–then this show’s for you. It follows the intrigue, innuendo, and idiocy of Lara Tuckabee Flanders, Press Secretary for U.S. President Ronald Bump. For an hour minus commercialss–so 40 minutes–she drawls in a thick-as-thieves Southern accent, “I’ll have to get back to you on that…I don’t know…and that’s fake news.” Every week. For twenty-five weeks. Over and over. Again and again. Always and forever.
And: How co-Dependency plays a part in contemporary right-wing politics.
Alt-NCIS
A savvy mind might think, “Wehn a conspiracy theory is investigated, even so just the mysterious, nebulous surface is scratched, it’s quickly revealed to be spurious, dubious, and literally incredible.” But then, a savvy mind isn’t an Alt-mind. And a savvy mind wouldn’t believe a conspiracy theory in the first place, but we’re getting away from the right-wing point. And that is, this show centers on the Alt-National Conspiracy Investigation Service, who unlike the Mulder and Scully of X-Files, find that right-wing conspiracy theories are actually situations that are a lot simpler, less scandalous, and much more straightforward when they look closely at them. So instead of building to a climax that’s then resolved like most dramas in the Western tradition, this NCIS team–a nerd, a bad-ass, a hottie, a vapid leader-type, and their lovable canine friend–tries to prove that a panic-inducing, labyrinthine conspiracy theory is right…er, true, but over the course of each hour, the theory deflates. ending with a proverbial whimper, not a bang.
Scandal? Pssh!
This fall, get ready to watch a show about the fixer for a fictional United States president in the era when no one is shocked by anything. Olivia Nope scrolls through her phone, picks at her cuticles, and sighs heavily each week as accuser after accuser comes forward to tell a horror story about something the morally and ethically reprobate Commander-In-Chief has done. As the first season progresses, each story seems more and more banal in this How-Can-This-Be-the-New-Normal DVR-storage-busting series. Of course, we hear there’s also a twist at the end so shocking, so stunning, and so mind-boggling that you’ll…meh–what’s for dinner?
Chicago Fire In a Crowded Theater
Legendary Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once remarked that the right to free speech doesn’t protect every type of verbal utterance, for example, yelling “fire in a crowded theater.” Taking its cue from that oft-quoted observation, this primetime pratfall focuses on nine catalog-model-caliber cuties on the Illinois Supreme Court as they attempt to decode and decide arcane and hard-to-follow legal considerations about the First Amendment right to free speech, partocularly as is relates to life in Chi-town. Is it permissible to say, “I like New York-style pizza” in Chicago? Is there any way that free speech includes breaking wind in the Windy City? When you open your mouth to speak during the winter in The Prairie State–Illinois–will it simply be frozen agape forever? Watch as the aforementioned jurisprudence-based characters played by actors a lot sexier than any judge we’ve ever seen come to the most repressive, nascent-authoritarian conclusion on these and loads more uber-absorbing topics centered on the right to yak
Where’s the Remote?
Now that you have the low-down on the likely ratings-high dramas coming to screens this fall, there’s not much left to do besides push your worries aside from when your ophthalmologist told you about your screen-induced macular degeneration, and settle down on your coach to distract yourself from the political apocalypse. As the spokesperson for the nefarious, boob-grabbing, Old Boy Network-headed, corporate consortium producing each and every one of the above dramas, Nogood Nick, said, “We’re not really going for quantity, just hot actors doing things less-hot people will watch in lieu of getting out in the streets and making a commotion so the right can continue picking the pockets and grabbing the genitals of the country.”
Also: 5 oh-so-Alt things to do with your tax returns from the Deeper Than Deep State.
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