Imagine some moola in those Alt-right mitts–and all you could do with it1/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Alex Malikov.
Fiduciary Felicitations, right-wing finance fans!
As has become a right-wing rule, a conservative custom, and a traditionalist tradition, I, Snoozie Storman, am back with you this week penning Spread Your Right Wings‘ (SYRW) Money column. I know many of you out there find this week to be an odious one, given that taxes are due during this second week in April every year. Not only do you find it stressful for the same reason people generally do, but you’re Alt-righters, like yours truly. And so, you are bitter, resentful, and full of rage that you actually have over some of your hard-earned ducats to the Deep State that insists on picking your pocket to create a more just, healthy, and equitable society. It’s as if the Liberal Loonies at the Social Security Administration think we’re in some sort of social contract to make some sacrifices that pay returns, excuse the pun, hand over fist in terms of a healthy, robust, and vibrant society full healthy, robust, and vibrant people! Where do they come up with this stuff!
Anyway, I hope today’s article will ease the burden of paying taxes a little, despite how very real our Alt-struggle is. I have some ideas about what you can do with your tax return, once the Nanny State deigns to reimburse you with it. If you enact these ideas, it’ll not only be fun for you, but it’ll send a wordless message to our Big Brother federal government: we’re full of racially-white hot rage, and we’re not going to take it anymore.
Since Ethics Don’t Matter to Us Anymore
Thankfully for us RWNJs (Right Wing Nuts Jobs), our darling President Donald Trump has done away with the need for those on the right of the political spectrum to abide by morals, ethics, protocol, or norms of any kind as we follow his lumbering, orange lead. The death of conservative ethics will serve you quite well in carrying out my first suggestion, I want you to make a huge donation to a liberal advocacy group of your choice. For this example, I’ll use Greenpeace. If ten of you, readers, pool your returns of, say, approximately five thousand dollars each, that’s a fifty thousand dollar donation! The Greenpeace goblins will be required to listen to you, and you can tell them you insist that that organization release a statement denying climate change. Or you can demand that those environmental do-gooders stop recycling at their headquarters. Or if you want to really be mean–and I hope you do!–you could demand that all employees eat meat while at work as a condition of their continued employment. I’m laughing already!
Hallelujah! Wait–What?
Have you noticed how lazy, entitled homeless people love to sit near the corners of buildings, their urine-y smelling stinking up the air around them and their filthy garments staining an otherwise lovely cityscape? This next crafty act takes advantage of their preferred seating arrangement. You take a couple hundred bucks from your takes return and adhere them together–you can do without a couple hundred big ones if it’s for the Alt cause, I hope. You attach a string to your wad of bills stuck together, place it withing sight of a corner-sitting homeless person while he’s not looking, and hide behind the other side of the corner, dragging your string along with you. When this pathetic homeless guy reaches for the money, as the greedy, shameless fellow will, you yank it away–HA! You can simply run off then and try it with other homless-es or keep tormenting the same one by continuing to pull the cash away each time he reaches for it.
Bang! Bang! You’re Rich!
Next up is my personal favorite. First, empty your favorite firearm of all bullets. I know that’s painful to even think about, just trust me. Next, take some cash from your tax return and wad them up so that they’re small enough to fit inside the barrel of the gun. Go out and find some Muslim lady with her head covered. Put the gun to her temple, and torment her for a good few minutes with the idea that you’re going to shoot her dead. Then pull the trigger, causing money to come flying out. Run away as you laugh loud and derisively. Let the poor wretch keep the Benjamin-bullets. You’re Alt, and you’ll do just fine without them.
Money Makes People Look Beautiful
So said, Liberal Prophet-ess Madonna in her rockumentary, Truth or Dare. And you’re going to use her words against her. Select a Liberal you find attractive–let’s face it, there are some cute ones out there. Invite her over to your place for dinner. Just before she’s about to arrive strip down to your Birthday Suit, lie back on your family room couch, and cover your junk with some fifties, maybe some hundreds. When your bleeding-heart date enters, tell you got two gifts for her: one, the money, and two, the dinner waiting for her underneath the money.
An Old Classic
Next time you’re at Starbucks, patronizing that fine establishment for harassing black patrons for no reason at all, even having them arrested, take a few 50-dollar-bills with you. When you’re overpriced coffee beverage with a pretentious, too-long name takes to long. Slide a couple of those bills surreptitiously to the cashier. She’s no doubt making $11 an hour, because our dear Repub part continually fights a $15 minimum wage. When this coffee worker accepts your bribe to expedite her order, you’ll feel the mendacious power that money provides fill your being. And, I bet you’ll smile, knowing that our country’s steady, collective march to total disregard for the rule of law continues.
The Root of All Playful Evil
As I sit here and finish up this article, I’m imagining you, my dear right-wing SYRW readers cackling fiendishly, bearing your missing teeth and projectile-spitting a few drops of tobacco infused saliva onto whatever sort of digital screen you’re reading this on. And it makes me happy–so very, very Alt-happy. Money makes the conservative world go ’round, so it stands to reason that if we don’t have enough of our own, our world would simply stop spinning on its axis–or at least the conservative world would, and who cares about any other world?
The destruction, devastation, and destitution a still Earth would mean for its increasingly small but as important as ever reactionary residents are hard to overstate. This is why you I urge you in the strongest terms possible to use your tax returns in the ways I’ve outlined above. That way the whole U.S. of A., both its citizenry and its powerbrokers, won’t be able to ignore us and our desire to hang on to our green as long and in as much of a death grip as possible.
Also: Consumer goods to help you use loudness as a strategy of persuasion.
I’ll see you next week, dear readers. Until then, remember: cha-CHING!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
