Pompeo and Kim have secrets!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, kieferpix.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
It’s becoming a fantastically Alt-refrain, I know, when I say to you, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, that it’s been a wild, wacky, what-the-f–k week over at the Trump White House. The big news in the past seven days was and continues to be, of course, the release of ex-FBI Director James Comey’s tell-all, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership. Bubbles has said to you before that Bubbles finds Comey to be a sex bomb on par with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. I don’t know what it is with me and the men involved in the Left Wing Witch Hunt to take down our dear President Donald Trump. I’m talking to my overpriced headshrinker about it, trust and believe, as the gays enjoyed saying in the mid-1990s.
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When Pompeo Met Jong-Un
Another piece of gossip splattering forth from the loose lips of the loquacious leakers at the White House is that newly minted CIA Director Mike Pompeo met with North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, as reported by The New York Times and many other fake-unless-we-want-to-believe-them new outlets Tuesday. As always, only I, Bubbles MacMillan have the full–so full it’s about to burst open like rotted fruit–truth for you Alt-readers and SYRW fans.
It appears, according to my many, many–did I mention many?–Trump Admin gum-flapping confidantes, that he who’s apparently named after an Italian town that perished under volcanic ash that also preserved it in 79 A.D., Pompeo, made his way to Pyongyang to brief Jong-Un on the vicissitudes and verities of a potential upcoming diplomatic communion with President Agent Orange. Here’s what Mikey told Kimmie!
Gilding the Alt-Lily
Pompeo told Jong-Un that the number one most important thing to remember for effective communication with Don Jon is to praise him like 7 billion lives depend on it. Lay the compliments on as thick as kimchee that’s been sitting out in the hot sun, Pompeo advised Jong-Un, an ultra-plugged-in White House sycophant relayed to me. Put the “-raise” in “praise,” and raise Trump up with flattery, Pompeo is said to have added. And don’t leave their tete-a-tete-offensive, even though it’s in Korea and not Vietnam, without prostrating yourself in front of our president to the point that you become one with the bamboo floor beneath you, my source said Pompeo said.
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The Way to a Man’s Engorged Heart
Pompeo told Jong-Un not to “mess with any Bee-Bim-Bop,” a second source told me. He told Jong-Un that a McDonald’s repast, preferably presented in Happy Meal form, is a necessary component in any meeting-of-the-unhinged minds the two leaders might have.
“Mike told Kim that high-calorie, low-nutrition American fare had to be on the table, literally, for talks between Kim and Don,” a third White House source told me, using oddly familiar monikers for the three men we discussed over drinks in the Presidential Personnel Office. I told you last week how that’s the new “it” location in D.C. Republican circles.
“You gotta feed the Augustus Gloop of current right-wing American politics,” this source said.
Putting On Hairs
Pompeo noted that a good way to make one-hundred percent certain that talks between Trump and Jong-Un went Pacific-Ocean-swimmingly was to compliment the oddest hair in the Republican world today, Trump’s.
“Jong-Un was instructed to smile and say that Trump’s hair looked very becoming and not at all like a tuft of wheat swaying atop his gourd,” the aforementioned second source told me as we shopped for AR-15s at Get Your Guns Now Before Obama and Hillary Take Them, a wholesale firearm club on 18th and R.
Not So Better Business Bureau
Pompeo felt silly, the first source I mentioned above told me in a top-secret phone conversation, as he relayed the next Trump Buttering-Up Talking Point to Jong-Un..
“He told me he was talking so fast and loud, he accidentally spat on poor Kim Jong-Un as he told him to bring up the success of Trump business, even though none exists, and even offer to let the president build a Trump Tower in Pyongyang. That makes sense, because the role of the American president historically has been to use the office to expand his personal wealth, not serve the people” the source said. I closed my eyes and nodded slowly.
Sort of Fun With Words
“Director Pompeo was almost panicked, because so much is at stake in these talks between the two nuclear powers. He even gave North Korea’s Number One a mnemonic to remember all he’d said,” yet another, fourth, White House source told me during an artery-clogging steak dinner at the Ruth’s Chris inside the Beltway.
“Please Feed Babies Hot Eggs: praise, fast food, business interests, hair, ego.” were Pompeo’s parting words in his meeting of the mediocre minds with Jong-Un, this fourth source recalled. “The last word’s just there to bring home the importance of the first.”
No War! War– No?
I hope that you found this run-down of what really reprehensible-according-to-liberals Mike Pompeo and, by extension, the entire Trump Administration, is doing to keep us safe, warm, and oh-so-snuggly in the face of the international threats to our nicely non-Jewish or Muslim, hopelessly white, hotly heterosexual lifestyle that we prize so dearly we’re willing to hold our fellow citizens hostage for it by propping up as president one of the most horrific–and by “horrific,” I mean, “saintly”–humans to plod slightly pigeon-toed across this ever-less-green Earth of ours, but not indigenous people’s. Now that Pompeo has global-warmed up Jong-Un, Trump will get in there, I predict, and get hot and heavy with him, Er…except not an awkwardly, crudely sexual metaphoric phrase.
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Pompeo, as you can tell from the above insider info courtesy my fellow D.C. gift-of-gab-ites, given his crazily qualified nature, did a firearm-bang-up job of laying the nuclear detente foundation with Jong-Un, so perhaps Trump won’t need to visit North Korea at all. In either case, we deluded conservatives can rest easy tonight, knowing the world is saved from an atom-bomb apocalypse! Now, we can get back to killing this wondrous spinning orb we call home through unchecked pollution without a nuclear holocaust radioactive-muddying our plans.
Until next week, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
