Lay it on the thick–not just our writing philosophy here at SYRW./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Valua Vitaly.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
It is I, Emma Winter, everyone who’s Alt-anyone’s favorite beauty blogger who moonlights at the right-wing lifestyle blog taking the Internet by storm: this one
If it’s one thing those on the right wing are good at, it’s bad beauty choices. Of course, we don’t think they’re bad, but everyone who isn’t us is pointing and laughing and the overprocessed hair, over-reliance on makeup, and over-the-top nail choices. As always at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), we like to throw a little Alt into every life choice we make, then pass that utterly useless “knowledge” onto you, in the hopes that you will use it to make the world a more right-wing place.
It’s much easier to do that, of course, if you’re looking your most Alt. After all, you’re only as horrible a person as you look, dear readers. Your self-aggrandizing, childishly bootstrap-obsessed, money-worshipping life philosophies shine through, it must be said. This is why so many of us are painfully unattractive! We know you want to keep up that fine, conservative tradition, we have some oh-so-2018 products you must buy and then use in copious amounts, thereby necessitating that you buy more, keeping the capito-industrialist machine running like the cog in it you–and we–all are. Let’s get down to brassy highlight tacks.
Toner-Deaf Political Message
Pretty much the entire beauty industry is, as Namoi Wolff pretty unassailably-argued in her book, The Beauty Myth, a hoax that keeps women concentrating on their appearance rather than on having actual agency in their lives. Even if that is not the intent, that is the effect. One of the biggest cosmeti-shams is toner. Of course, this is what makes it A-Ok, even irresistible to us on the right of the political spectrum. We love sham-based stuff: President Donald Trump, Fox News, the idea that the Mueller Probe is a conspiracy, the list goes on and on.
Hence, you need to run out to the nearest drug or department store and get some tinted water in a plastic bottle that the beauty industry will get your skin to the PH it needs to be. Why? Why not? Do you have something better to do, like find a way to have political agency when your vote isn’t suppressed by right-wing overlords or find out what’s actually going on in the world and not what Infowars tells you is going on? Stop kidding yourself. The best thing you can do right here, right now is to dunk some toner onto a cosmetic puff and gently apply it to your visage.
Related: The Sinclair Broadcasting script gets even more jacked up, courtesy of us.
Masking What’s Really At Stake
Next up in our parade of questionably-useful products is the mask. Peel-off, rinse-off, chemical-action-based, the choices are myriad. And it’s pretty fun to think, “Once this dries up, and I rinse it off, my skin–my life–will be better.” Even more fun is realizing that no, your life isn’t better. No, it isn’t at all. In fact, it’s worse, because you just wasted, like, 20 minutes. Never you mind that, SYRW readers. Just keep on a-readin’.
For those on the right, a prime mask-related concern is how good a mask is at leeching any compassion or goodness your body might continue to produce, as they are inherent parts of the human experience and organic to the life of homo sapiens, out through your face. You can then peel or rinse it off when the time is right. These days, overnight masks are available to those of you who have issues with nagging senses of not wanting to be openly a conservative asshole. A good mask can cure you of this nagging. So go research and get one!
Eye Made a Mistake
These are words all of us have trouble saying, no doubt, but especially those on the right; Almost none of us has stood up and said flat out, “Getting in bed with Donald Trump was a huge mistake…Let’s find a way out of this mess called ‘Trumpism.” Until then our eyes, given the pun in “I” and “eye,” need a good under-eye cream. Also, we need to do everything we can to diminish undereye circles, wrinkles, and bags, because old age is when you start needing Entitlement Programs more and more And we on the right are always railing against them.
So dab some under-eye cream into the skin real estate beneath your peepers, to keep them looking youthful, because our youth was the last time it wasn’t apparent to everyone we came across that we had a soul. This is because, eyes, they say, are the windows unto the soul, and if we are to keep up the appearance that we have an animating life force inside of us, our eyes must look fresh, young, and comely.
Sloughing It
Roughing it, also known as camping, can be such fun. It gives us conservatives to play-make-believe like we aren’t swimming in creature comforts. After we’ve had our fill of this little game, we can pack up our tents and return to life in our temperature-controlled, antiseptic McMansions. Yay!
We must, though, every two days at the most, slough of the dead skin cells that build upon our bodily dermises, For those who espouse a reactionary political and social philosophy, like you and us, this is especially important, because our bodies through dermal-cell-shedding try their bests, the poor dears, to rud us of our poisonous values. We keep on having those values, so it’s an endless cycle, really.
Anywho, twice a week, after using a body shampoo, while still in the shower, rub an exfoliator in a vigorous, circular motion over every inch of your body from the neck down. Well, maybe you could exclude your genitalia. Then rinse, and take some time to admire how shiny new you look. It won’t last long, as your poor insides will do their best to expel the hate, ignorance, and self-obsession within you soon after. But then you just exfoliate again!
Another fun way to use an exfoliator is to rub it on other people, ones we hate, of whom there are a lot. If you remove they’re dead skin cells, yoy diminish them, literally, and that’s always advisable.
One of Our Favorites
We’ve written extensively on SYRW about the necessity and ubiquity of spray tans for and on those on the right side of politics and the wrong side of politics, both at the same time. We’re going to tell you once more to get a spray tan. It hides the fact that we’re pale as vampires, because we are vampires, feeding, as we tend to, on the plight of the working class, promising things we can’t possibly deliver in order to ensure they vote Republican.
Call your local tanning salon, and book an appointment yesterday!
You know have the tools, fabulous SYRW readers, to make yourself oh-so-Alt-ishly gorgeous, and we trust that you will apprise yourself of the wonderful products above and do so. After all, the first step in taking back–well, everything–from minority groups, the poor, and all the others we on the right feel so much animus toward is to bring our looks in line with our debased morals and debunked ethics. We can then wordlessly signal to each other that we are of the same cloth, together weaving a tapestry of hate, indifference, and me, me, me to cover–nay, smother–the world in.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
