We’re Alt, and we ain’t never gonna take it down a notch./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, fuzzbones.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers—so that you can buy stuff! A sense of security, justice, political agency–everything and everyone can be had for the right price in the industrio-Capitalist machine. If we can dream it, we can buy it. Never doubt, dearest, sweetest, consumerist-ist Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers.
If you’ve had credit-card-trigger-finger lately, but had nowhere to aim your financial gun, so to speak, boy, oh boy, are you in luck. We have some fantabulous products to apprise you of to take your Alt-game to ever-dizzyingly-high heights, as we do every week. As as is so often the case here on your favorite brain-dead Alt-right lifestyle blog meant for brain-dead Alt-righters, our the Right Wing Nut Job (RWNJ)-based goods we are going to fill you in on this week–today–find their inspiration in He Who Is the Alt-est of Them All, President Donald J. Trump. In fact, these items of idiocy sprang forth just in the last week thanks to behaviors partaken in by Trumpy McTrumperson. When did His Orangeness do the things that inspired these things, you ask? You guessed it: just this last week.
Related: Apparel and gear every Trump supporter simply must have.
DJT’s Twitter tirades this week have been aimed at former FBI Director James Comey, who Trump summarily fired upon Comey’s refusing to take an oath of allegiance to the Overgrown Oopah Loompah In Chief. Comey, as most people with a red-blooded American pulse know, is the author of a book that just hit e-bookshelves this week titled A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership. Predictably, because it’s in title and text, all about things that Trump has zero idea about, Trump has been, miffed, shall we say about its release. Also, predictably, this displeasure led him to take to his favorite one-way “communication,” if it can be called that, forum, Twitter to unleash in a what is now becoming a form of laugh-at-the-increasing-senility macabre entertainment, a tirade of frenzied missives about a person who is so clearly superior–and a lot hotter, we at SYRW think, not gonna lie. In this week’s two-thumbs-up-est Twitter rant, Trump resorted to typing things in ALL CAPS AS A FORM OF ARGUMENT. And it got us here in the Late Capitalism Shopping Department of SYRW thinking–that’s when your neurons, reticulated gray matter, and neurotransmitters all wourk in concert to produce a right-wing rarity called not-being-an-idiot–lets’s clue our readers in to some for-sale-items that could help them say things textually or vocally loud as a method of persusasion.
See the First Tweeter’s mischievous missives below!
DOJ just issued the McCabe report – which is a total disaster. He LIED! LIED! LIED! McCabe was totally controlled by Comey – McCabe is Comey!! No collusion, all made up by this den of thieves and lowlifes!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 13, 2018
James Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR. Virtually everyone in Washington thought he should be fired for the terrible job he did-until he was, in fact, fired. He leaked CLASSIFIED information, for which he should be prosecuted. He lied to Congress under OATH. He is a weak and…..
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 13, 2018
I never asked Comey for Personal Loyalty. I hardly even knew this guy. Just another of his many lies. His “memos” are self serving and FAKE!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 15, 2018
And: How you can remain calm as the FBI raids your office, a la Mikey Cohen.
What and When
Right-wing-psycho activists like many of you dear readers know that a chant you often here at rallies of all sorts is, “Whadoo we want? [Reply]. Whendoo we want it? Now!” And this call-and-response refrain is often shouted by a rally-leaders into a megaphone, which is the first item on our list of goods to tell–er, remind, in this case–you of.
It’s pretty much the best way to announce your vocal verbiage communiques as far and as wide as possible.
Testing the Bonds That Hold Us Together
Microphones, the next buy-based thingies we simply must apprise you of this week, are for venues in which you can hook them up to an amplifier and get your message out over varying distances with greater clarity and crispness. These lovely inventions will, depending on the quality, pick up all sorts of viva voce subtleties that a megaphone won’t. Of course, this is likely not a huge concern for fans of Twitter, Trump, or the right wing.
Back to Basics
While the above two items are undeniably super-fantastic methods of getting your message across to the largest number of people, we’re not gonna lie, there’s something seductively back-to-basic-instincts Alt-right about simply going…well, anywhere, putting your hands up on either side of your pie-hole, and annoucing in the most decibel-ly obnoxious way possible whatever it is that you need to annouce to make yourself feel important, big, and like you’re basking in the shallow light of tawdry, temporary celebrity. We urge you to try that when you’re feeling ignored like the white, non-Jewish, heterosexist patriarchs you are…and that your/our leader Trump is!
We’re guessing after all this discussion of pitch, tenor, timbre, volume, and other vox-related wonders, you, our dear readers, we may need to give your vox populi vehicles a rest! Of course, what you’ve been doing is reading, so it’s likely your peepers that need the rest. In either case, we know that it means we’ll have to part ways with our favorite conserva-loons–that’s you, readers. But only for now! We will never accept a longer-than-super-temporary temporal separation between us. And we could always use one of the aforementioned products to bridge the spatial divide between us in the meantime!
Also: Get the real story behind the “witch hunt” at the White House.
Your Mission, If You Choose to Alt-Accept It
Until we meet again next week, Right-Wing-Awesomes, then, go forth to buy, spend, and charge up a storm. Do so until you can do so no more, if you know what’s bad-but-feels-so-good for you. And if you ever have any doubt about what exactly that is, you can always visit us here at SYRW to find out. It’s buying cheaply-made, poorly-sourced crap, in case that wasn’t clear. See ya’ real soon, darling readers. And in the meantime, always remember: cha-CHING!
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