Stay away, we say, we dont want to catch a sense of one-ness!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Stefan.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
Oh, Shoot!
On the one hand, I know the answer to that question is, “Fantastic!” as it’s been another wild, wacky, simply wonderful week in the most Alt-ishly Alt-right, presidential administration that’s poorly run, painfully lacking in clear vision since…well, ever! On the other hand, I know how life is, and we all are dealing with problems and predicaments that require the counsel of a wholly unqualified, all-too-self-satisfied Right Wing Nut Job (RWNJ) of an advice columnist. It must be kismet, serendipity, and good fortune for you, then, that I know just such a lady: me! As always, I’m here to receive your letters, written from vantage points of varying desperation, and to provide answers to them with the same flippant, wrongheaded attitude. That’s why SYRW pays me the big bucks–although, not nearly enough, to be honest.
Related: See what we did to the Sinclair Broadcasting scrip to make it even more Alt-horrible.
This week, I’m going to dole out unsound advice based on news that I know you Alt-loonies were, as I was, applauding so fervently that your palms became red for a good hour or so, as mine did. perhaps even needing to be soaked in a bowl of ice water, as mine did. Before I get to exactly what that was, read this letter that I got. In my reply, you’ll find out about the incident I’m talking about, and of course, lots more to tickle your Alt-fancy.
Dear Kaylee,
I’m a proud, white man living in America’s heartland. Part of my pride comes from my steadfast allegiance to the principles of current conservative political thought: we are only as great as our individual access to firearms, the concept of community is for liberal loonies who want the government to give them everything in exchange for taking everything from all of us; deregulation up the wazoo,; severely limited government except insofar as it enforces lack of women’s access to abortions; no rights for blacks or gays; free markets run amok; and isolationist foreign policy. I’m getting sick and tired of these liberal, wanna-be-blue-wave Democratic candidates in my face all the time, as it’s an election year in my state, particularly when they come to my door with their bleeding-heart nonses. What do you suggest I do?
Miffed in Maryland
Dear Miffed,
And: Kellyanne Conway cured addiction–did ya’ hear?
Many right-wingers across this great nation are facing the same dilemma you are: how to deal with pushy liberals who think they’re going to take back what we snatched from them with the election of President Donald Trump. One finally had enough and took matters into his own, chubby, white hands. Granted, the person knocking at his door was a black teenager looking for directions, but what he did in response is what all of us Alt-righters should do, too. Shoot! Shoot, shoot, shoot our guns at these left-wing lunatics who are trying abide by a social contract that would make life better for us all. Jeffrey Craig Zeigler responded the way any unhinged lunatic on the right wing of the political spectrum, like you and me, would when a young, innocent member of his community rang his doorbell and asked for directions. He shot at him, as reported by Sheena Jones, Amanda Watts, and Steve Almasy of CNN and many others.
You shouldn’t feel the need to stop there, Miffed, though. You should carry your gun everywhere with you–it’s our right!–open carry or no open carry. McDonald’s got your order wrong? Shoot! Stuck in traffic? Shoot! See a Muslim, an immigrant, a Jewish person? Shoot! How else are we to express our displeasure at the state of American society–through the myriad established means of social, legal, and political redress. The indignity! No, we’ll–you’ll–shoot off our mouths and our guns, and then we’ll be guaranteed to get our way.
A beleaguered white man–aren’t all of us whites–took things into his own poorly-moisturized hands when a black teenager violently attacked him by ringing his doorbell and asking for directions when he missed the school bus? Can you imagine, the shock, fear, fury, rage, and horror that must have overcome Zeigler and his wife when a person–a black one!–rang his doorbell? To throw salt in the wound, this out-of-control dark-skinned young man then asked for directions. Obviously, Zeigler did what any sensible person would do when a black person trespasses on his property. He lost his small mind and produced a large firearm to take said black teenager out;
Very Unfair!
What this world is coming, dear readers, is beyond me. If we’re not all clutching our guns, paranoid, sweaty, and shifty, hunched in a corner of our shoddily-constructed homes waiting for the government to come get our firearms or a band of black teenagers to attack us, then I’m not sure who we are. We can’t simply be expected to nurture the concept of a community by not assuming the worst about and attacking everyone who might need some tiny bit of help and ventures onto our lawns. That would positively European, Liberal, and hippie-ish of us. No, much better to not only fail to get to know the people whom we live among, but to shoot at them and their children. This is especially the case if they’re black, as we’re white as hell and not going to take it anymore. We’re going to isolate our selves and force others to do so as well, by essentially terrorizing the communities we live in with our firepower anymore. Soon, if you do as I say, Miffed, these potentially vibrant, inclusive, healthy communities the Liberals want to force on us all will be sad, isolated, sickly pockets of people strewn across the land, not benefitting from addressing their shared interests, but suffering from ignoring their potential for their collective greatness. That, Miffed, is the Alt-right way.
Also: Get the truth behind the “witch hunt” at the White House.
Duty Calls!
I better be off to sift through the mountains of mail, pages of email, and cell-phone-screens of email through which you, my dearest advice seekers and SYRW readers communicate with me to find a reader question to publish and give an idiotic answer to next week. In the meantime, readers, I want you to go forth–and by that I mean stay home–and peer suspiciously through the dirty window dressings of your linoleum-heavy kitchen at every passing noise or shadow. Get to it!
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