Alts just wanna have fun–but can’t seem to. SYRW is here to help./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, oneinchpunch.
What’s up, Alt-fun-lovers?!
Partying When You Don’t Know How
I, Merri Ment, know what you’re thinking we as a people didn’t exactly put the “party” in “Republican party.” It’s true, I cannot lie. That’s odd, because we, collectively, unlike the great George Washington, have no problem lying, to ourselves, especially. That’s why we’re in this Trumpian mess in the first place! We’ve employed countless self-told lies to get ourselves to back an unbackable person.
But, back to my original., recreational point. And that was, at one time, we conservatives had a reputation for being repressed and schoolmarmish. The rage, fury, and that hard-to-pinpoint unhinged quality we’ve taken on as a group has made the pretense of zipped-up Carrie Nationhood kind of hard to maintain. We realized that if we didn’t let loose, at least in the lengths we’d go to in order to remain a powerful and in-power cultural force, we’d go the way of so many species suffering the effects of global warming: we’d be extinct.
Related: What to do if you’re feeling seriously down in the Alt-doldrums.
To celebrate the current Alt-instantiation of the fact that, as 1980s glam-rock band Poison sang in their head-banging classic, we “don’t need nothin’ but a good time,” let’s party, Alt-righters. It still feels slightly weird to say it, we hear you. We are, after all, the party of Anita Bryant, the anti-gay Stepford Wife of Reagan-era politics. She epitomized the rigid, creepy, so-not-fun-in-any-way Republican right wing of yesteryear. And even now, despite our clawing at the fabric of society to get our party to the top political post in the land, take over Congress, and hijack the judiciary, we don’t seem like particularly joy-filled peeps.
Oh. well! You can still throw an Alt-celebration, and here’s how. Why not get together with like-minded RWNJs (Right Wing Nut Jobs) and take the whack-job to the next level. Let’s get to gabbing about how to throw an Alt-right-themed get together!
The Space
Where you choose to have this shebang is of the utmost import, of course, readers. Just as they say in the real estate game, location, location, location is a paramount concern in pulling together a conservative soiree. I suggest to you to retire to a basement for your reactionary reveling, Underground is right where we on the right-wing belong, as we’ve set free high moral ground, lofty ideals, and highfalutin’ ways. We’re playing to our people’s BASic instincts, and we should pay tribute to this by living it up in a BASEment. Besides, a basement is where you’re most likely to have access to lots of unfurnished, or at least sparsely furnished space, Shut all the doors, windows, and anywhere that lets light or air infect this party celebrating the wholly unnatural things the Alt-right stands for. Making this a closed-off-to-air-and-light gathering will also underscore the isolationist, xenophobic, and protectionist currents sending shockwaves through our party.
Lighting, decorations, and egress-and-exit are some space-based concerns you’ve gotta be aware of and make decisions about. You may want to reference some previous SYRW articles on the topics of food, decor, and fun for some ideas.
The Accoutrements
You’ll need a sound system, because you can’t, very well, throw a party without some tunes, either as the focus of the carousing, even accompanied by dancing, or as the background soundtrack to mingling and possibly mating.
Your fellow party participants will need places to sit once their bodies ache from the combination of standing and a lack of affordable health care we on the right claim we want.
A table or similar surface would be a great place to set up snacks, whether you’re going the chips-and-dip route or a fancier path to revelry victuals tickles your taste buds. You may need to base this decision on whether you’re of the not-so-well-to-do Repub variety or the Got-a-Lot-of-Benjamins one, as there’s no such thing as a free lunch in the Alt-right/Tomi Lahren mindset, nor party yummy, apparently.
And: We make the Sinclair Broadcasting script even more sick and wrong than it already is.
The Guest List
Obviously, your invitees to this shindig of yours can only be non-Jewish, non-Muslim, of European descent, and straight. Honestly, if you could exclude women, that would be the best, but then who’s genitals will be up for grabs, literally, when the imbibing breaks down the men folk’s social-mores-based inclination to keep their eyes, hands, and more to themselves.
Yes, that’s right! We forgot: drinks! Now, apparently most people are totes magotes incapable of socializing without booze, but that’s a whole added dimension of knowledge and know-how that we ain’t got. We’re not sommeliers or even shortie bottle vodka-iers. So, we’ll trust you, oh-so-savvy conservative readers, to get the sauce-based liquids together. We can say that you simply must have non-alcoholic drink choices on hand at your certain-people-must-never mixer for the recovering alcoholics and the designated drivers. Also, Donald Trump doesn’t drink, and we always want to honor him and his choices in everything we do. And also water and ice, don’t you forget.
Let’s Get Ready to Tumble For Ya’
We, dearest, readers, don’t have the slightest idea what that means. But that’s part of the fun!
Let’s start chatting, mingling, and cutting a rug. Let the party take shape organically, in the figurative, not smelly-hippie sense.
Oh Me, Oh My
I’m breathless just from imparting all those lighthearted levity and mirthful merrymaking points unto you, dear SYRW readers! Just think how much fun you’re going to have when you partake of these stupid, silly, and are-you-serious acts. A lot of fun, that’s how much, in case you couldn’t wait to find out. Simply, simply a lot. There’s nothing like a group–a mob, rather–of Deplorables gettin’ together to let it all hang out, and by it, I mean our bellies. Seriously, it’s, like, so not fun when you’re clothing is constricting you.
Now, go, my dear SYRW readers and gaiety–but not the homosexual kind–seekers. Go forth and have fun, fun, fun in the ways I’ve described above. You needn’t thank me, though. Just knowing you’re out there, doing some weird-ass right-wing shizz to unwind, and I helped you with said shizz–that’s enough for ol’ Merri Ment
While you’re partying, I’ll have my Alt-nose to the grindstone looking for new and somehow also retrograde ways for us Alt-ers to kick back, unwind, and fiddle like Nero while our democracy burns.
Also: Apparel necessities for every Trump supporter and Alt-righter.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
