It’s never too early to start inculcating Alt-values in your children, even if you have to get them soaking wet do it./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, famveldman.
Rock-on, Red-State Reactionaries! In this case soaking-wet rock on, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. It’s I, Pietro Travesty, am, as always, here to apprise you of all the latest in arch-conservative entertainment, diversion and fun-based distraction.
As the weather inches toward a place called “warmth” in some parts of the country, we know what all our Alt-readers are hoping to do: visit a water park! We here at SYRW are hoping to do so, too. It’s pretty fun, no doubt, to get all wet and wild and wonderful, experience the thrill of the rides, and eat funnel cake and drink soda. Throw in some Alt-political inspiration, and you’ve got a truly inspired H20-based summer fun spot!
Related: The new Alt-right food pyramid to base your conservative diet on.
We have the deets on just the pebble-paved, fenced-in, splish-splashy destination that smells vaguely like bleach specifically for you right-wingers, like us and you. It’s called All Washed Up, and it’s just outside the Washington, D.C. Beltway. It’s a favorite cool-off spot for the ever-more irrelevant creature known as the Republican politician, because as the name suggests, Republican politicians are totally over, done with, kaput. But the park’s arched entryway featuring cheap plexiglass lettering is open to anyone who subscribes to the reactionary right’s increasingly-nebulous ideology. All Washed UP is simply open to anyone on the right-wing of the political spectrum, so get out a fifty-dollar bill for the overpriced admission, and read on for more on some of the hot cool-down-rides you can expect to find at All Washed Up!
“The questionably-hygienic water park is a beloved piece of Americana, and for those who don’t have a pool at home or membership to a club with a pool, this is a great way to experience the same turquoise-water-based shenanigans,” said Steve Bannon, the park’s primary investor. “And, this is the only such park where half-naked right-wingers don’t have to mix with half-naked left-wingers. Phew!”
And Endless Descent
There’s no feeling quite like the amusement-park-based one of wondering if you’ll ever stop falling–that is, as a passenger on so many types of rides. That’s sure the case with water slides! You start at the beginning almost lilt up and down, up and down, up and down, until you land safely at the bottom and can gently hop off.
But the one at All Washed Up is called “Rock Bottom,” which as we can see every day, doesn’t exist for Trump or for the right wing of American politics–his behavior just gets worse and worse. That’s why before getting on this ride, you must don a Trump costume mask, and then you get on the slide. And it goes on indefinitely. When the first batch of riders comes to the end of the ride, which will be when Trump stops his daily horror-committing, then the next batch can get on. So, maybe this isn’t the most fun ride we could have told you about.
Deeply Shallow
Pretty much Whenever Republican politicians have been pressed on information related to Trump by journalists in the past year, they’ve evaded the question, offering some non-answer like, “I don’t really want to wade down into the weeds with that one…” In honor of those hey-don’t-look-at-me Repubs, the Ankle Deep ride provides just a little fun for those who want to get wet just up until their lower calves. You can’t go further, because, if you’re a Republican politician, you’d have to take a stand. Similarly. if you’re a wader in the ride called Ankle Deep, you don’t have to get totally wet, and it’s just easier not to.
And: The truth behind the “witch hunt” at the White House.
Timbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!
On the “Logging In Protected Forests” log ride, water-based revelers can experience an Alt-version of the classic amusement- and water-park ride. The catch is….there is no catch! Log rides are inherently obnoxious, as is the current right-wing American, to whom this ride pays homage. So when the ride reaches it’s low point and splashes onlookers, you on the ride are like, “Who cares–as long as I’m gettin’ the rush I need!” And that’s how the right wing behaves these days, we here at SYRW believe.
Excuse Me–Could You Hand Me That Towel Hanging Just Past Your Junk
One of the greatest, most widely-enjoyed aspects of the water park ride is showering with strangers in cold water with no physical barriers between anyone! Fun! The odd mixture of humiliation, titillation, and water raining down on you of the I Know I Shouldn’t Be Doing This Showers at All Washed Up are inspired by, again Republican politicians of late and those who support them as private conserva-citizens. Both groups of people are standing behind a man they know they shouldn’t, but we all do it anyway. To remind bathers of the ultimate top-dog who inspires these showers of grossness, the water you’ll bathe in is colored orange.
“I sure loved all the rides at All Washed Up, but my favorite one was the Log Ride, because I liked how everyone gets all messy and messed up because of the ride I’m on–because of me,” said Ellie Phant, who got an advance ticket for a sneak peek of the Alt-water park everyone’s talking about. Phant is from Greensboro, North Carolina and is president of her high school’s Young Republican’s club. Imagine that–a female president!
Gurgle-Gurgle-Gone
Like any water park, All Washed Up is peppered with drains on the stony pathways, cement sidewalks, and green grassy knolls. Every once in a while you’ll walk by one of those drains making a faint, echo-y, water-draining noise that trails off. But you never find out where the water is going in. At All Washed Up each such drain has the words “To Be Decided” spray painted–almost weekly to keep the lettering fresh–next to it. This signage found its inspiration in the harsh right-wing reality of late that Republican politicians and right-wingers don’t really know what price we’re all going to have to pay for selling our souls, party, and former morality to a thief, crook, shyster, rogue, and so much worse, like Donald Trump. But the day will come when we all have to pay the piper.
Your favorite Alt-fun-guide, I, Pietro Travesty, better be off if I’m going to find more right-wing R-and-R to write about next week. Until then, have fun at the expense of others, as is generally the way we on the right do it.
Also: Parting gifts for EPA Director Scott Pruitt, because he may be the next to leave.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
