Your home can help you feel sorry for yourself and Trump./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Andy Dean.
Come sit next to me, Alt-design buffs! It’s me, Marla Stewman, the Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) interior design columnist.
The state of loveliness of our indoor environments seems particularly important these days, many of you will agree, when winter is dragging on oh-so-late in many parts of the U.S. of A. Normally, the cold makes you want to nestle, nest, cozy up, but now it’s just making me mad, as it won’t end. And if there’s one thing we Alt-righters know how to do, it’s to be mad for no good reason (that marginalized groups got a couple rights for, like, two seconds, so we elected Trump) Â or for reasons that we caused (our increasing cultural irrelevance, caused by our refusal to progress or evolve), or that is one-hundred percent justified (equal rights for all, because it means we can’t feel powerful by oppressing others and instead might have to move to a higher spiritual plane where power is defined entirely differently).
Related: Give yourself a Do-Me-Donald makeover.
Something that seems to us to drags on unfairly, even though it’s fair-as-fudge; that is caused by our own insistence that a kakistocrat, grifter, and con-artist be our president; and that is a totally ethical, moral manifestation of the rule of law. is the Mueller Probe wherein Robert J. Mueller investigates whether, and if-so-how, President Donald Trump and/or his campaign colluded with Russia to get His Orangeness elected. All that needs to be said is, “Very unfair,” in the eloquent diction of the Toddler In Chief. To help you Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) pout, sulk, and mope about the Mueller Probe, I’d like to review today some ways to make your home an easy place to do those things.
Plunk Down and Go At It
Erect backs are for a) people who aren’t having a temper tantrum and b) for the traditional sitting implements known as “chairs.” Sitting up straight is not part of the self-pitying lifestyle Trump is all about these days, and that we’re following in imitation of that great leader. So, first, to make your home boo-frickin’-hoo-for-him-and-me-central, get rid of all the chairs. Replace them with bean bags. These blobs of sitting on are much more conducive to lowering yourself onto your knees on and making your back into a semi-circle of martyrdom.
Cry Me a Room
Pick one room in your house that you’re comfortable ridding of all furniture. Go ahead–pick one. It can be small, big, lots of light, low light, upstairs, downstairs, anything. You’re just going to completely empty it. Then, you’re going to fill it four-feet-high in tissues. This will allow you to cry sorrowful tears for both Trump and yourself, rolling around in the tissues as you do so. You can moan, wail, even keen, and you nothing will get in the way of your bodily realization of how oh-so-sad your life is. And you won’t need to keep crumpled up tissues around to sop up your waterfalls of deserved tears, because the entire room will be tissues. Good! On we go.
And: How right-wing Reverse Conspiracy Theory QAnon can aid your Alt-goals.
Who’s The Most Pathetic of Them All
The mirror was such a great invention of humanity. One reason is that it makes it possible for us to pretty up every day. But another reason is that allows us to look into it and point to our reflections, drawing our eyebrows together in self-sympathy. We can even point and mouth the words, “I love you even if the whole world is against you, which it is.” So make sure to have 50-100 large mirrors hanging around your house to partake in this self-hurt exercise any chance you get to gaze into your own maligned-unfairly-by-society eyes.
Empty Room Redux
Yes, SYRW readers, you’ll need another empty, or at least mostly empty room. Call it your Self-Cuddling Space. In here, you’ll enter, fling your arms open as wide as they’ll go and then fling them back as tight as they’ll go around your poor, pitiful body. If society won’t give you and Trump a big bear hug–because, to be frank, neither of you nor Trump deserve it–you’ll just have to give it to yourself. But you can’t have too much or maybe even any furniture obstructing your pity-hug wingspan, so clear that room out.
Playing Just For You
If you have a patio, this next idea for self-pity interior design is the ideal direction to take it in. If not, try to clear enough space for a violinist to stand outside of either the front or back of your home and play maudlin, insufferable music for you to close your eyes and just be pathetic to–on your behalf, Trump’s behalf, even the entire right wing’s behalf. You–we–deserve it! No one cares about us anymore, and in fact, they actually actively want to hurt us (i.e., just want equal rights for everyone and a fairly-elected president), so we’re justified–so very, very justified in having a pity party, party of one in all the above ways.
Also: See why David Shulkin was really fired.
So Not Cool, We Say
Now that your homey home-istan is pitifully beautiful, miserably appealing, and boo-hoo-ishly comfortable, I think you know what to do, RWNJs and SYRW readers. Invite people over to join you in crying a river for our dear, dear Trump. If not us, who will speak up for this deeply moral, ethically awesome, oh-so-rule-of-law-abiding man? Who, I ask you? The greatest tragedy of modern times is not American slavery, the Hoolocaust, billions of people living in abject poverty around the world, nor millions dying of hunger every day.  All  European-descent, blond, blue-eyed, rich men are under seige–under seige, I tell you! But if you follow the above guidelines, their return to sanctuary can begin in your home, What a proud, proud way to make use of your personal castle, your walled wonderland, your very own respite from the cruelties of this crazy world we created and now are furious about.
I, Martha Stewman, have some tres important meetings to get to to learn all about the latest in Alt-design to bring you next week, so until then, adieu!
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