Quick: read this article to see what to do about leaks!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Jamie Wilson.
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, conservative tech lovers!
My name is Shark Tuckerberg, and I’m the new Tech columnist at everyone’s favorite totally out-there, sometimes just-over-the-line Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). When Syeda Rabab Momin, its Editor-in-Chief, approached me to write about all things digital for the site, I couldn’t say no. This website is the talk of the Alt-town, the belle of the Alt-ball, and the name on everyone’s Alt-lips.
A L’il ‘Bout Yours Truly and Theirs Truly
After completing Ph.D. research at Mercer Siblings College of Evil in how to best use technology to reverse any cultural betterment made by progressives, lefties, and Democrats, which earned me my doctorate in Assmunch Studies, I got a job at Sinclair Broadcasting writing fake news scripts, which you can learn more about from this article on Deadspin. As much as I loved spreading right-wing disinformation via a mendacious corporate conglomerate, I had to join the Alt-fun, learning, laughing, and lack-of-good-sense at SYRW.
Today I want to honor National Leaks Month. It’s a 30-day celebration of the glorious phenom of leaks from the Trump White House to the press, which an new book by Ronald Kessler, The Trump White House: Changing the Rules of the Game, which claims none other than our personal favorite Trump Team Member, White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway is the “number one leaker” in the administration, as reporter Devan Cole of CNN wrote this week. An article by Stephanie Petit at People claims Trump still leaks stories about himself, a practice he was known for in his NYC real estate days.
The balls are back! After a couple weeks of sort of…meh…revelations, behavior, and words out of our beloved Trump White House, we come to know this glorious news. It is evidence of the cojones of steel on Trump that we love to hear about–and even Conway has a set, which we knew, but hadn’t had much recent evidence of. Oh, except for her assertion that french fries and ice cream cure addiction.
All is right with the world again. Trump and his merry band of idiots are still upending protocol, violating political norms, and just being contrarian for one very good reason. They, like us Alt-righters, are white, mad, the last upholders of the crumbling heterosexist gun-loving patriarchy, and we’re not going to take it anymore, if “it” is our rapidly advancing cultural irrelevance. And “it” sure is.
Here’s how you can celebrate and call attention to National Leaks Month to honor all this poppycock, hooey, nonsense, balderdash, and utter psychosis!
Related: We jack up the Sinclair Broadcasting Network script even more.
The Gut Is the New Brain–So Does That Mean the Right Has No Guts, or no Brains?
Or so folks who keep up with the actual news detailing developments in various areas of life–so not us Alt-righters–say. The educated, in-the-know left says that the stomach, having been found to be “inextricably linked” to the brain, as writers Justin Sonnenberg and Erica Sonnenberg write in their book, The Good Gut: Taking Control of Your Weight, Your Mood, and Your Long-Term Health” said in an excerpt from that 2015 book in Scientific American (SciAm)..
“A primal connection exists between our brain and our gut.,,Our brain and gut are connected by an extensive network of neurons and a highway of chemicals and hormones that constantly provide feedback about how hungry we are, whether or not we’re experiencing stress, or if we’ve ingested a disease-causing microbe. This information superhighway is called the brain-gut axis and it provides constant updates on the state of affairs at your two ends. ,” the Sonnenburgs write as excerpted in the above-linked SciAm article.
Enter leaky gut syndrome, a nebulous term used mostly by practitioners of alternative medicine to explain a host of symptoms in the body. The existence of “leaky gut syndrome” as discrete from “intestinal permeability,” which is recognized by mainstream science is unsupported by evidence. So, naturally, we on the right believe strongly in leaky gut syndrome. The fewer facts there are to support a phenomenon, and the more irrational conspiratorially-argued websites claiming something, like leaky gut syndrome, the more we’re on board!
To honor Conway and Trump’s leaking things to the press and then acting like they’re outraged by the leaking, and National Leaks Month too, sit down on a comfortable surface. Bear down on your intestinal system Just bear down on it. Will your gut to leak. Whatever happens next is a testament to how wondrous leakage of any sort can be!
And: See what Tomi Lahren does to keep her hair so Alt-beautiful.
Don’t Call Anyone
Normally, when your tap, ceiling, or toilet springs a leak, your first instinct–anyone normal’s first instinct–is to call a plumber. But we right-wingers are anything but normal. We believe the disgusting lie that the Parkland kids are “crisis actors,” after all. It doesn’t get much more abnormal–sick, really–than that. In fact, one of our prophets, alleges that the Sandy Hook shooting, in which parents lost five and six-year-old children, was a government hoax. Wow–there are those cojones of steel again.
Anywho, for the next way you’re going to celebrate National Leaks Month, go and get yourself a wrench. Use that wrench to unscrew casters, disable pipes, bang holes into ceilings, and do anything else you can think of to cause leaks of any kind around your home. Enjoy the maddening dripping noises everywhere around you, knowing you can’t be driven any more insane than you, as a member of the right wing, already are.
Get Your Greens
All that activity probably worked up an appetite, I assume. So I have a special treat for you, and it, too, honors, celebrates, and pays homage to National Leaks Month. My good friend, the Food columnist here at SYRW, Antoine Boordayne, directed me to this reactionarily delectable recipe for Potato-Leek soup on All Recipes. We made some together, and it was so good,
Bits and Pieces/Pots and Pans
So goes the 1980s Oingo Boingo classic, “Weird Science.” We’re sure your freakish, conservative-leaning minds get the connection to this article.
Ladle yourself out a bowl of the above soup. Eat, drink, and be merry–and a little right-wing scary, too, of course. Until next week, readers, remember: the revolution is being digitized.
Also: How QAnon can help you cope with a feeling of low self-efficacy.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
