Gear like this can help you advance your Alt-goals./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, beeboys.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
Never fear, not-so-lovelies, Emma Winter is here to make you slightly less not-so-lovely, or at least offer you suggestions on things to buy to distract you from the fact that Alt-right is inherently ugly, and you’re Alt-right! That’s the best that can be done for most of you, let’s face it.
This long, hard winter may be leaving a lot of you blue, feeling like your conservative feet are dragging, your traditionalist scowl is less sour-looking, and your conformist shoulders are drooping. Take it from me: that’s a bad look! As always, though, President Donald Trump, the Lunatic Moron In Chief is here to provide us with a reason to get up and face the day, filled as it is with our horrible life prospects and even worse life choices. Much like when you have a dependent child or pet, you have to move forward, because you have to take care of Trump. If we don’t, then who will? He needs us to keep going. His money, self-importance, and army of Yes-people alone aren’t going to cut the massage-his-ego mustard. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a nation to raise a yutz.
Yes, My Liege
A colleague of mine here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) has written previously about how important it is for us on the right to make sure we take care of our knees, to maintain their health and vitality, so that we can have properly robust knee-jerk reactions to issues and events that come up.
Knees, as a joint that enables so many movements, many of which are important to Alt-ers in particular, need to be able to bend and bow, too. That’s why a good, little conservative needs a sturdy set of knee pads. Bowing down with obsequious capitulation to the Trump agenda, whatever that is today, requires we keep our leg-flexors as protected and cushioned as possible–hence, the need for those knee pads I mentioned.
Looks Can Be Deceiving
But the deception our eyes are capable of pales in comparison to that which our words are. The difference between “a planet on fire,” which is what is really happening to our Earth, and “climate change,” which sounds like we’re moving from one tropical resort to another is the words, dear readers.
This is why we always find it surprising that Trump, who would probably get a 100 on his SAT-Verbal if he took it today, uses verbal spin to “paint the rosiest picture,” as three of our fave reporters from Washington Post, Josh Dawsey, Ashley Parker, and Phillip Rucker noted.
It’s art, this use of semantic games by Trump, simply art. Some say art is a meeting at a point of creation and consumption by artists and taker-in-of-art. So, we Right-Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) need to meet our artist-leader in the middle, by wearing rose-colored glasses, so we can continue to see the downfall of democracy initiated and hastened by our leader, His Orangeness, as being that Giant Oompah Loompah being really good at his job.
Oh, My God! I Love Your Kevlar Top
I bet you’re pretty excited to know there is a type of clothing that could enable us to continue the gun-infection sickening our society.
And: The Sinclair Broadcasting script gets even more right-wing courtesy of us.
We just need to get everyone to wear bulletproof vests, made of Kevlar, at all times! Then, we can say, let’s have guns here, there, and everywhere, now, forever and always! It won’t be a problem, because everyone will be protected at all times. Of course, there limbs, face, and head won’t. And bulletproof clothing isn’t always a guarantee of safety, but at least if we on the right put on and never take off bulletproof apparel, it’ll underscore that the continued sanctification of the firearm as a necessary precursor for so many desirable circumstances, and nothing-but-nothing else is our priority. And it will send a not-so-subtle message to the head-thick Trump that he needs to similarly sanctify guns and not give in to the pro-kids lobby that wants to take our man-toys away.
Hedging Our Bets With Headgear
Another comely style choice with a practical, right-wing use is a helmet. Bike, construction, blowtorch–take your pic! Just conceal your gourd, so that banging your head against a wall as Trump makes what we apparently see as our only choice of continued support for him increasingly frustrating, you can safely ram your noggin into any hard surface. You’ll remain head-injury-free, despite this desperate act, with a strong, secure headdress.
Watch Your Step
Agent Orange, our leader of choice, made a big show of his intent to “drain the swamp” of corrupt politicians if elected, which was one reason “we-need-change” Deplorables like us got behind him. So far, the change he instituted with this alleged “drain” was to install unfit morons in all the government positions previously occupied by people who were educated about policy and had experience enacting it. Good thing those ones are gone, and the swamp is a sewer-treatment plant of dummies who can never just say, “I don’t know,” and instead, when pressed about their terrible decisionmaking, prevaricate, allude, and bullshit.
To avoid stepping in the piles of crap they lay about Washingon, D.C. and elsewhere, all right-wingers should have a good, sturdy pair of rain boots. That way when your squishing, squashing, and step-oozing around, dancing as fast as you can to avoid admitting Trump is a horrible person and was a horrible choice for president, you’ll still be able to look good and protect your feet from that intellectually excretory exercise.
Also: How to use 5 retro un-Wellness habits to be even more Alt-you!
If we march around town in these lovely items I’ve apprised you of–and you’re welcome for that–we’ll send The Donald, our dear, dear Donald the Alt-president, that we still love and support him. We love and support him despite his ever more apparent unfitness for the presidency, his total lack of any ideas about how to be a public servant, and his completely uninformed positions and those of the people he’s selected to work with him. Why we would continue to support such a person, well, that’s a topic for a whole separate article–maybe even a book. Or a series of books. It involves too many pathologies of thought and emotion for me or anyone else to cover in one, little article on one admittedly big website. For now, just slip on the items I told you about above and go about your life. The rest will take care of itself.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
