“This is Generic Sinclair Broadcast Journalist] signing off in a sad, sad story.”/Image: License Adobe stock, roibu.
Greetings, Alt-reading lovers!
We have more news, as always seems to be the case in the Trump Era, to be proud, happy Alt-campers and lovers of the written word. about Our form of love, in this case, is to debase, degrade, and insult (Oops–I forgot! The capacity to be offended is “politically correct” and not allowed in the conservative universe, lest we be snowflakey!) and abuse it for horrible purposes. One such purpose is the creation of a journalistic facade from the other side of which we attempt to advance a hard-right political agenda. We do this using bald-faced lies, distortions of reality, and logical fallacies that are so bizarre they overlap, twist and turn, and circle back on each other on a path made up misinformation, and disinformation, and who-cares-about-actual-information.
As the Readings columnist at everyone’s dumb-ass right-wing lifestyle website, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) I have so many chances I’m totes grateful to write about the shining example of failing at discourse, disrespecting interlocutors, and abusing the First Amendment right to free speech that is the right-wing media. The arm of I get to write about today with great pride that it’s on my side, is Sinclair Broadcasting. That corporation buys television stations around the country and then turns their news arms into mouthpieces of a hard-right agenda, using various methods to ensure all who work there follow in lockstep their orders to spew conserva-nonsense.
I pose to you, our oh-so-wise readers, that the Sinclair script that broadcast journalists in that company’s employ are required, to read, below, as transcribed by writer Stephen Cohen at the Seattle Post Intelligencer, is far too subtle. This mealy-mouthed approach is unnecessary in the Trump Era. Following protocol, norms, or rules of any sort is beneath us! Our new right-wing thing is to just let our depravity hang out. This is a cultural war, a time in which  we can’t be bothering with fripperies like subtlety, nuance, or a facility with words. Words are one of our weapons, in fact. We sure do love weapons, right?
Linguist Paul Grice established Grice’s Maxims, which he proposed and pretty much everyone with a functioning brain and right to speak on this subject then adopted. They’re four assumptions, if you will, the human mind functions according to when using language. I’ve spoken of them before, but to remind you: these maxims state that a discourse participant will assume her interlocutor is giving her all–but no more–information that she needs, is telling the truth, tells facts that are relevant to the discussion, and is being as “clear, brief, and orderly” as possible, as H. Schiffman of the University of Pennsylvania lucidly reminds us. Sinclair’s script violates all of these–but not enough, I say! So I behaved as badly, boldly, and shamelessly as Sinclair itself, my new role model, and rewrote them for your reading pleasure.
Related: See what 5 retro un-wellness practices the Alt-right is all about these days.
The Original, as KOMO Reporters Must Recite
Hi, I’m(A) ____________, and I’m (B) _________________…
(B) Our greatest responsibility is to serve our Northwest communities. We are extremely proud of the quality, balanced journalism that KOMO News produces.
(A) But we’re concerned about the troubling trend of irresponsone-sided sided news stories plaguing our country. The sharing of biased and false news has become all too common on social media.
(B) More alarming, some media outlets publish these same fake stories… stories that just aren’t true, without checking facts first.
(A) Unfortunately, some members of the media use their platforms to push their own personal bias and agenda to control ‘exactly what people think’…This is extremely dangerous to a democracy.
(B) At KOMO it’s our responsibility to pursue and report the truth. We understand Truth is neither politically ‘left nor right.’ Our commitment to factual reporting is the foundation of our credibility, now more than ever.
(A) But we are human and sometimes our reporting might fall short. If you believe our coverage is unfair please reach out to us by going to KOMOnews.com and clicking on CONTENT CONCERNS. We value your comments. We will respond back to you.
(B) We work very hard to seek the truth and strive to be fair, balanced and factual… We consider it our honor, our privilege to responsibly deliver the news every day.
(A) Thank you for watching and we appreciate your feedback”
The SYRW Rewrite By Melvil Dewey, XIV for Anyone to Recite
Hi, I’m Disgusting Piece of Trash, and I’m Journalism-Killer.
(B) Our greatest desire is to serve our corporate bosses. We are extremely in need of the money this job gives us.
(A) But we’re not at all concerned about the troubling trend of the advancing of lies in the guise of news.
(B) More alarming, we’ll pretty much say or do anything to get what and to where we want and the men who sign our paychecks want.
(A) Unfortunately, some members of the media use their platforms to attempt to bring you the information you need.Â
(B) At KOMO it’s our responsibility to pursue and report self-serving fairy tales or nightmare-stories depending on our facile, utilitarian objectives with any particular story..
(A) But we are totally inhuman, and sometimes our reporting might fall short of being the exact opposite of true. If you believe our coverage veers into actual-fact terrirtory, please reach out to us by going to KOMOnews.com and clicking on CONTENT CONCERNS. We value your comments, because with them we can massage our message to seem “fair,” “balanced,” and benign. We will respond back to you by finessing the truth iin service of our motives, which are usually profit-based.
(B) We work very hard to kill the truth and strive to make that murder seem fair, balanced and factual… We consider it our honor, our privilege to slowly denigrate into nonexistence the free press by delivering made-up news every day.
(A) Thank you for watching and we appreciate your acquiescence.”
Also: Get some Kushner-inspired office products.
Welcome to 1984
The dystopian world of George Orwell’s literary classic.
We’re really reaching new heights of derangement, depravity, and denigrated living SYRW readers. Thie above example of “writing” is a shining Alt-example of using words and language to manipulate information and poison the minds that take it in, often unaware of its wonderfully nefarious nature. Even if they are aware of it, though, it matters not. We’re manufacturing consent, as the Chomsky and Herman book title states. We in the right-wing media will make you happily, desperately even, bow down to our agenda of intellectual acquiescence. You’ll then help us to enact it in public policy, cultural movements, and societal forces. The world will be ours, because the word, dear readers, are ours to do with as we please.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
