Fantasies can be so extreme they begin to obscure reality–in a good way!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Mark Carrell.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
It’s going to be a great week, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. For everyone one of us on the right wing of the political spectrum in every single gosh darn way. I can say this with utter, complete, possibly psychotic assurance, And I’m going to tell you how to do the same thing, using a new right-wing strategy that I like to call the Reverse Conspiracy Theory (RCT), Conspiracy theories advance illogical, intellectually self-serving, fabricated-by-fools with little education on a topic and less desire to acquire such knowledge. They are theories about the what causes something, and posit dark, sinister forces at play that only a select few in-the-know people are smart enough to get behind. They are inherently disempowering, as their purported reach is so vast and nebulous that it’s impossible to conceive of acting to effect change in relation to them. Thus, they’re favored by those who are already culturally disempowered in some way. They violate Occam’s Law, the philosophical heuristic that tells us the explanation for something that requires the fewest assumptions is the right one. What a bummer!
I submit to you following letter from a dear SYRW reader, my response to which will explain Reverse Conspiracy Theories,
Dear Kaylee,
Hello. I am a politically-conservative resident of the glove-shaped state, and a big fan of your column. I write to you today from a place called the end of my rope. It seems like nothing is going right in my life. No one loves me, I’m a failure at my job, I have no prospects for a good future, I don’t even have the will to end my life, though the thought crosses my mind often, How could it not, when I’ve messed up every opportunity I once had a life I could find fulfilling, Where do I start to fix it all, Kaylee? Where?
Desperate in Detroit
Related: See what was on Jared Kushner’s reading list recently.
Dear Desperate,
You don’t start anywhere. Your life is already perfect. You mentioned you’re a right-winger, and you must be an especially smart one, as you read not only this website, but my column. Two points for Desperate already!
Anywho, there’s a new psychological technique I feel so happy to fill you in on that will solve all your problems once you understand and employ it, We here at SYRW call it the RCT. An RCT is a fable-like fabrication, a make-believe yarn you use to knit yourself the story you want, if you will, a tall tale that makes you feel good, happy, powerful, safe, content, hopeful, warm, fuzzy, cozy. smart, good-looking, and poised to solve any problem that faces you.
The first known RCT is QAnon, a complete invention of right-wing minds and media, like you and I, respectively, who are desperate to believe President Donald Trump is a prophet of Alt-God. According to QAnon, as this article in The Washington Post by columnist Michelle Goldberg writes that a user on 4Chan, the hard-right online forum, and source of total, dyed-in-the-wool pulled over our eyes, living-on-Jupiter insanity, laid out for all us poor saps not fully in the right-wing know, facts in a series of predictably mysterious “clues,” which in their vagueness are impervious to rebuttal., a collection of claims about what’s really going on: in the trainwreck-dumpster-fire-total-failure-we-love Trump Administration.
“From these clues, a sprawling community on message boards, YouTube videos, and Twitter accounts has elaborated an enormous, ever-mutating fantasy narrative about the Trump presidency. In the QAnon reality, Trump only pretended to collude with Russia in order to create a pretext for the hiring of Robert Mueller, the special counsel, who is actually working with Trump to take down an inconceivably evil and powerful network of coup-plotters and child sex traffickers that includes Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and George Soros,” writes Goldberg.
And: Meal ideas to help Trump weasel out of answering any Stormy-related questions in court.
Well, OK, Then!
So, Desperate, all you need to do is invent your own RCT to explain your life. Once you believe the false-to-say-the-least narrative you concoct, you’ll feel so good, a right-wing glow will simply emanate from your being. You’ll know that your life, rather than being a disaster, is an unparalleled success that is the height of intelligence, beauty, morality, and human perfection in every other form too. The end. Period. As the French say, “Fin!” Now get to making crap up!
Rock Bottom Is Just a State of Mind
All is clearly right with the world, SYRW readers and Alt-lunatics. The only world that matters is ours, the one we just go ahead and in the place most people store their brains, our heads. We simply cannot and will not admit that President Donald Trump is a stupid, immoral, unhinged, disaster of a human being and excuse for a leader. The blow to our egos if were we to admit a mistake in believing in him, remorse for a misapprehension of facts, and an awareness that we’re fallible would just be too devastating. Our devotion to the rapidly sinking ship of the racially white Christian heterosexist patriarchy demands that, as the co-captains of this vessel, we go down with it like any captain worth his maritime chapeau. The left-wing and other sane members of our shared society tell me it’s really sad, embarrassing, and cringe-worthy to watch. We’re like the people who actually need help and sympathy and medical treatment who say their TVs are talking to them and pace about muttering to themselves at this point. QAnon and the fact that we’ve allowed it the disinformation that it is to spread among our dark corners of the Internet is the latest nail-in-the-coffin proof that we’re simply not functioning with a full set of marbles. It’s so fun!
I won’t write again for six Alt-right days, my dears. In that time, I want you to go out into the world and be totally RCT deranged. Where weather forecasters see rain, you should see sunshine. Where the police see a car accident, you see two cars ambling by each other. And where others see an orange fool dismantling democracy, you see the world’s greatest and most benevolent leader. No matter how low we sink, my fellow right-wingers, we can apparently sink even lower.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
