The face of a monster., EPA DIrector Scott Pruitt/Image: Courtesy of abcnews.go.com.
Hi, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers! I’m Q.V. Cee, the brand, new oh-so-conservative Stuff We Love consumerism–and proudly consumerist–columnist here at everyone’s favorite foolishly Alt-right lifestyle blog. Today, I have really special, poorly designed, even more poorly produced, and conservatively flavored goods to suggest for you to buy, buy, buy to waste your money on.
Journalist David Corn noted on The Last Word With Lawrence O’Donnell opined on MSNBC Friday night that our wonderful, idiotic President Donald Trump tweeted his support of embattled EPA director Scott Pruitt earlier that same day. Corn noted rightly that that means, in this topsy-turvy, left-is-right, nightmares-are-reality, new normal world, Pruitt’s days in that position are numbered. See Trumperson’s Tweet below.
Do you believe that the Fake News Media is pushing hard on a story that I am going to replace A.G. Jeff Sessions with EPA Chief Scott Pruitt, who is doing a great job but is TOTALLY under siege? Do people really believe this stuff? So much of the media is dishonest and corrupt!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 6, 2018
The more Trump and his team deny something publicly, in their shamelessly faux-innocent ways, the more likely it is to happen, dear readers. I think we can all agree on that, no? We know this, agree on it, and simply love it, i.e., decide to sit by like the right-wing idiots we are in spite of it, more so now than ever, it would appear, as an upcoming book, The Trump White House: Changing the Rules of the Game by Ronald Kessler revealed that Senior White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway and President Trump himself are tied for the number one leakers out of the White House. In the past, Trump and Trump Team members have railed against the leaks coming out of the White House, righteous indignation dripping from their say-one-thing-do-another lips, recall dear readers, as this article from Mother Jones reminds us.
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Roses Are Red–And Sometimes Dead
Many people don’t know that Scott Pruitt is actually a huge fan and supporter of the natural environment. By that, we mean he’s been trying for years to murder it, shilling for the oil and gas industries, vowing to strip away longstanding protections for our land, air, and water, and holding meetings with his pals from various industries instead of advocates for the environment it’s been his job to protect as EPA Director..
Before he became EPA Director, declared himself the “leading advocate against the EPA’s activist agenda” according to his bio on the Oklahoma state government’s official website from his days as that state’s Attorney General. Then, when the nation’s Kakistocrat-In-Chief, Trump, appointed him, the person least qualified for the job as is the goal of a kakistocratic Director of the EPA, which was sort of like appointing Ted Bundy to be the head of a women’s rights organization, he’s made it his beeswax to rid the nation of the pesky regulations that keep getting in the way of the benign, well-intentioned folks in various industries in their efforts to help citizens like us and the annoyingly fragile ecosystems that we require to continue existing never to bloat their coffers at the expense of the environment,
It’s just such a shame that he might not be able to do all this if he gets axed from the Trump Admin soon. So I urge you to buy some flowers–any ones really!–let them die, then place them on the front stoop of the apartment he’s been renting in Washington, D.C. (at rock-bottom rates through his crony connections, as this Washington Post article reminds us).This would be a great way to show him we appreciate all his efforts to kill us, too.
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Retail Therapy
When we buy stuff to make ourselves feel better, the colloquial phrase for that act is “retail therapy.” Perhaps this is what Pruitt was doing when he was charging up a storm at taxpayers expense for his security detail, info that this CNN article, well, details.
If he leaves the Trump Admin, how will he hire burly, roided up, sunglasses-all-the-time-wearing bodyguards to protect him from the fact that no one knows or cares who he is, let alone wants to hurt him, we can only imagine. Such a tragedy!
For the next na-na-hey-hey-goodbye, as the old classic by Steam goes, parting gift to Pruitt, then, I suggest a rape whistle, again left at his pricey D.C. condo’s front door. Rape whistles are the self-protection device of choice when you have no money and are actually, not just in your self-obsessed fantasies, like Pruitt, afraid for your safety.
Presentation Is Very Important
Sophia once reminded Dorothy of this on one of our fave shows here at SYRW, The Golden Girls. And it’s so true. Hence, the receptacle in which you deliver your presents to dear Pru Pru must follow the rules of etiquette, which, of course, no longer exist in the Trump Era, as I mentioned earlier. The mode of present-delivery that you should use to convey your appreciation to Pruitt for a job terribly done is a cardboard box. That way, after he loses his prominent position in the federal government, he’ll have a place to stay.
You Don’t Like Me! You Really Don’t Like Me!
Buying stuff, consumption, is really just about helping people, I’m sure you bizarre-thinking SYRW Alt-readers agree. What good is spending moola on crap we don’t need if not to bring a little sunshine into someone’s life, I ask you,
So, Imagine the heartwarming scene when Pruitt opens the door to his ritzy D.C. pad to find, day after day, these tokens of our anti-appreciation. He’ll feel sad, ashamed, and maybe even have some regrets. It’s either that, or he’ll feel more convinced of the delusional narrative he’s convinced himself of in which he deserves to be called a public servant, that he’s helping and not hurting people, and that he has something to offer anyone besides his pals in industry. If there’s one thing we can always count on our dear Trump admin officials it’s their pathological ability to write a little story in their heads that what they’re doing is right, good, and even necessary, or at least to act like it is.
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