Take this and be quiet!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, staras.
Fiduciary Felicitations, right-wing finance fans!
Hi, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers and specifically, those conservatives concerned with how to mis/manage their right-wing money. I’m Snoozie Storman, the new Money columnist here at everyone’s favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog. Every week, I’ll be filling you in on all the seriously stupid, financially fraught, and monetarily mixed-up latest in how to make sure your do-re-mi turns into lots more do-re-mi, because isn’t that the main purpose animating the thoughts and actions of a self-realized conseva-crazy? Yes. Yes, it is, dear readers.
Money can buy a lot more than happiness, health, justice, and a roll in the hay! And I hope to join you in finding new, inventive ways that it can do so as SYRW’s Money columnist.
Today I want to build on the example of our leaders, specifically President Donald Trump and his Ray Donovan wanna-be lawyer, spokesperson, and friend, Michael Cohen, The Alt-Fixer. Cohen said he paid an adult film star who alleges she had an affair with Trump $130,000 out of his personal coffers, If he made this payment with his own funds and a private LLC he established, and not through those of The Trump Organization, it would clear his master of a glaring violation of campaign finance law. Also, it would make him a big idiot. But we’re getting behind big idiots, and in a big way, in the politically conservative universe these days. So, let’s see how we can use the shining example of these mendacious morons to hush up other pesky rackets that stand to mess up the mess we want to make of the world.
Related: Find out the real reason Veteran’s Affairs Secretary David Shulkin was fired.
Stuff It!
My first recommendation for silencing people as if they were annoying cell phones is physical in nature. It involves actually inserting cash into the pie-holes of peeps who just won’t stop their yammering. When their lips are parted, shove some cash in their oral cavities. Your green will serve as a gag, a muzzle, a vocal-restrainer. And it will be pleasing to look at, as money is. This isn’t a waste of money, by the way. It’s an excellent use of it. Because I’m Snoozie Storman, and I Alt-said so, that’s why.
Seal It!
OK, so my next suggestion is physical in nature as well as the first, I admit. Aside from depositing money in someone’s checking account, there aren’t all that many methods of using The Benjamins to get them to quit yapping that are simple enough for a simplistic article on a simple-minded website as I had envisioned there would be when I started penning this journalistic gem you’re reading.
This method is cheaper, too, which is good. A penny Alt-saved is a penny Alt-earned, after all! To accomplish this next way of money-shushing, you’ll need some adhesive tape. If someone insists on going on and on about something you wish they’d can it about, place a bill of any monetary denomination over their muzzle and tape it to their cheeks on both sides.
And: Use your interior design choices to help Scott Pruitt deny climate change.
Say what? I can’t hear you with that money over your mouth, sorry.
Smack It!
Violence is always a good way to get your way. Perpetrating violence using actual money is rather poetic and beautiful, too. So keep a wad of cash with you at all times, which I’m assuming you do anyway, because it looks good, feels good, smells good, tastes good, and can even sound good, if used correctly. Now, if someone isn’t sounding good to you, you can take out your chunk of change and slap ’em silly with it! Done and done!
La-La-La-La! I Can’t Hear You!
Sadly, sometimes a din becomes uncontrollable–but money can still help you turn the situation around. If you’ve tried all the above methods and are forced to change something about the fabulousness known as you, which is ever-so-degrading, I know, moola can still make it all better. Use some paper currency to slap over your ears with your hands. I guarantee you whatever racket you’re trying to reduce will be reduced, at least in your perception. Our self-serving perceptions of reality are very important in the contemporary right-wing way of life, so this isn’t a half-bad way to go, come to think of it.
Cognitive science has established that each person’s experience of reality is their “mind’s best guess,” according to Harvard’s Daniel Wegner and other researchers in the field. You can take that truth to inane, ego-strokingly-ridiculous new heights of conservative folly by pushing cash into your ear canal when the need for some reality-finessing arises. If you can’t hear it, it’s not happening!
Old School Occlusion
Finally, if you need someone to behave in a way that suits you, in this case by self-silencing, you can go a slightly tedious and labor-intensive route. You can promise to buy him or her stuff. It takes a little longer, but the extra investment by you may be worth it for an increased payout of shushing. While on your corrupt shopping spree, you may even find something for yourself. That happens to me and all of us here at SYRW a lot. We go out looking for something for someone else, and the tricks, seductions, and marketing-sleight-of-hand employed by savvy goods-makers get us to buy two somethings for ourselves. Go figure!
If there’s someone or, even something that just makes too much noise in your life, you finally have the money-based tools to silence that cacophony-inducing pest. This is Late Capitalism, people. Money, money, money is how we get stuff done. Shutting things the right-wing-hell up should be just like political action, intimate encounters, justice for the rich, and pretty much anything our cold, dead, right-wing hearts desire, Oh, yes: a vibrant gun culture that will do nothing for the safety we allege we want, nor keep the government away in our paranoid and self-important delusions about how it’s coming to get us, nor keep us safe from the baddies we just know will break our doors down if AR-15s aren’t legal. As Gordon Gecko said in Wall Street: “Greed is good.” Let’s show the noise-makers in our life just how good.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
