A human life can be illegal, apparently./Image: Licensed Adobe stock. full image.
Rock-on, Red-State Reactionaries!
Hi, my name is Kandy P. Klusterphukk, and I’m one of the new Entertainment columnists here at everyone’s favorite dunderheaded, Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I’ll be dropping in from time to time to give you all the latest on craft-and-collectibles-related hobbies and, yes, entertainment, of particular to the weirdest, oddest, and most head-scratch-inducing people on the planet: you! And me! I’m dedicated to the collection, pun intended, of social and political causes that find their immoral nexus in the simple prefix, “Alt.” Included in that dizzying whirlwind of ideas is the deportation of illegal immigrants, whom our President Donald J. Trump has convinced us are to blame for our difficulty in finding jobs. That’s why he’s stepped up efforts to hunt them down like wild game and deport them, why he wants to build a border all down south, and why he imposed quotas on immigration judges this week, according to the Washington Post. To make it all more panicked and hellish, he tied those quotas to the judges’ annual performance reviews. So he’s a xenophobe and a bad manager! Gosh, does it get any better than this, my fellow Alt-ies. No, it does not.
Related: Take a tour of states with the lowest teacher salaries.
I got my Master’s in Crafting from Trump University, and for the past 20 years, I’ve been a manager at JoAnn, Etc. in Dixadookie, Georgia. I like spending time with my family and doing a whole host of things to make my community and my country worse, worse, worse! That’s how I got interested in Immigrant Collection to aid immigration judges in getting rid of these Spaniards once and for all! Here’s how you can, too!
Step 1: Gather Your Materials
To begin your brown-skin-hating hobby of Immigrant Collection, wherein you will view and treat human beings like disease-spreading insects that spraying for just isn’t getting rid of, you’ll need some supplies.
Get a really, really, really big butterfly net to scoop up immigrants in. Once scooped up, they’ll need to be deposited into a cage, so get a really big one of those, too.
An old paddywagon from your local police station will aid you immensely in transporting your caged immigrants to the authorities. They make corralling people into box-like structures on wheels easy peasy!
And: Get the deets on these Alt-right revisions to 3 classic childhood games.
Step 2: Move In for the Capture
Go about town, imagining yourself as the child rapist Sherriff Joe Arpaio of your local community. Feel the pride–feel it! Tiptoe about, as you’re hunting “immigwant,” much as Porky Pig hunted “wabbit.” When you see an undocumented, don’t ask to see his papers, as Nazi-ishly satisfying as you might find that. There’s time for that later! Bring your really, really, really big butterfly net down on top of that Mexican rapist and shove him into your cage. Keep this up until the cage can accommodate no more.
Step 3: Stop For No One
Race through town with your immigrant booty your Spanish-speaking plunder, your illegal spoils, in your paddywagon, Quick–before they manage to escape the cage. On delay! On delay! Hordes of illegal immigrants are pouring in over our Southern border even as you drive. When you get to the nearest police station, dump your immigrant captures inside–save for one.
Step 4: Let the Fun Begin
Bring that one illegal immigrant home with you. Yes, that’s right–bring him home. You’ve now started your own personal immigrant collection! Illegal-immigrant storage can take a host of fun, debasing-to-the-illegal-immigrant forms. A human coat rack, one that can actually wear your coats, allowing them to keep their shape while not on your body, is just one. You could order your immigrant to stand with arms outstretched to the side and one leg in the air and use him as a jewelry tree. Make him kneel on the floor and put a piece of glass on his back for a stylish–and very Alt-right–coffee table.
The above was just “fun.” For some F-U-N, you might take a page from the Abu Ghraib Playbook and do all sorts of horrible, torture-acts using your immigrant, as this deeply disturbing and super-sensitive-material article from No War shows.
The Center of the Earth’s the Limit
Once you get the hang of Immigrant Collection, you might think of storing your illegals in a dedicated room. That’s a nice way to separate them from the fully human residents in your home, you and your white family.
I’m sure your diseased, depraved Alt-right mind can come up with lots more horrendous things to do with the illegal immigrants you amass over the course what I know you will make a shameful collection career. That moment on November 7th, 2016 when you put a check next to “Donald J. Trump” on that digital touch-screen at your local election station, you bid your mind’s moral compass bye-bye, and by standing by silently as Trump says, does, allows, encourages, and enables unspeakably evil things on an hourly basis, the capacity for moral reasoning has flown further and further away from you. So, why not go whole hog!
Stupid and We Know It
Let’s just conveniently ignore the fact, shall we, my dear SYRW readers and fellow conserva-cretins, that the automation of so many jobs is primarily what’s causing the unemployment we’re blaming Latino immigrants for. Let’s also conveniently forget that if the Trump Administration wanted to help us get jobs, it would make advanced educations affordable for everybody. And finally, let’s also conveniently forget that deportations will damage the vital farming, cleaning and maintenance, construction, and food preparation and service industries, according to The Motley Fool. Ignore all of that! If we turn a blind eye to these complex realities, it’s so much easier to scream, “Build! The! Wall” like the angry, white mob we are. I, and SYRW, would never ask you to interrupt your throat-hoarsening chanting to–gasp!–think! Never! That would assume you have brains. And I think we can all agree that none of us right-wingers do. Please, now go, and implement the above ideas to get some Mexicans back down south of the border where they belong. Surely, when they’re all gone, employers will be falling over themselves to hire us.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
