Get your right-wing office in order with KushMax products!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Africa Studio.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers–so that you can buy stuff!
If there is one thing we here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) know for sure, it is this: there is nothing on Earth better than office products. They fill us with a feeling that is simultaneously cozy, competent, effectual, neat, and organized–just by existing. Looking at shelves full of paper clips, pens, page-markers, binders, and more, we know that all is right with the world–or at least all will be right with it once we buy and set up the office supplies at home in a tidy, orderly fashion. We’re beyond thrilled to bring you news this week, then, of office supplies targeted at Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) like you and us. They’re the brainchild of unlikely Alt-hero Jared Kushner, President Donald Trump’s son in law and Senior White House Adviser, who’s married to Trump’s second child, Ivanka.
“I’ve always had a fondness for school supplies, and later office products, so it felt…well, just right and also right-wing, to create my own line of them inspired by my current life in the White House,” Kushner told SYRW.
Related: If guns are a public health issue, the right has only one fabulous option.
Sticky Squares
Last week, The Intercept broke the shocking and Alt-wonderful news that Kushner divulged the names of people disloyal to Saudi Prince Mohammed Bin Suleman in a meeting with that monarch, information he’d gotten from being privy to Trump’s daily security briefings. It’s not too surprising, then, that Kushner no longer has access to these briefings.
We’re assuming Kushner had the names of the Saudi dissidents jotted down on everyone’s favorite scrap paper, a Post-It! This must be what inspired Ivanka’s old man to put his name on TyrannaPosts, the 1.5-inch by 1.5-inch paper squares, with an adhesive on the back, meant for members of the conservative community to jot down the few thoughts they have, then adhere them somewhere so they don’t get lost. Then we can use these little notes to endanger the lives of political dissidents opposed to monarchs you want to curry favor with. Or, you know, jot down a grocery list. But they’re not yellow, like Post-Its. They are, of course, red.
Racially-White Board
Given his gargantuan brain-size, as evidenced, by, well, nothing, Trump installed Kushner in a super-high-level position in his administration as soon as The Orange one took office last January. He was quickly tasked with brokering Middle East peace, solving the opioid epidemic, and revamping the federal bureaucracy. This came as no surprise to anyone, as Kushner had a wealth of experience in absolutely zilch except silver-spoon-ing it up.
In his pursuit of solutions to societal problems that have vexed people of actual innate intelligence and valid experience for decades, Kushner needed a place to scribble his brainstorms, confidential sources tell SYRW. He turned to a whiteboard, which he would cram many of with his inspired musings on the issues of vital concern to the nation that he set out to straighten out, given that they’re the writing surface of choice of smarties the world over. Because he’s always thinking of others, Kushner came up with the TremendoBoard, a whiteboard that’s 500 feet by 500 feet. That way, mega-ultra-super-geniuses like him don’t have to erase their thoughts to record new ones; run back and forth between multiple whiteboards; or do the absolutely tedious and painful and turn a whiteboard over to write on the back.
And: Make sure your joints are in top shape to ensure proper right-wing knee-jerk reactions,
Office Party of One
Perhaps the most wonderful office product of them all is the file folder. Just the name slides off one’s tongue like a racial epithet off Trump’s. It’s had the highest ratings of any storage space of choice for papers, documents, notes, and more since the inception of mass-production. And it’s flat, like Jared Kushner’s affect. That’s probably why our White House sources tell us, Kushner can often be found roaming the halls of the White House, asking, “How do I get to the Oval Office again?” with a folder tucked comfortably in the crook of his arm. It’s also probably why he was dying, they say, to put his name on KushnerKeepers.
These are, as you Alt-smarties and SYRW readers may have guessed, paper sleeves made of card-stock-level durability within which other papers can be stored, specifically for use by conservatives. Because all the supplies in the KushMax line of office products gain inspiration from Jared’s own life and preoccupations, these folders come in packs of one only, as Kushner doesn’t have many thoughts, ideas, or much of anything to store in his own such implements. For this reason, he assumes, probably rightly, that neither do most of the wingnuts who’ll be buying KushnerKeepers.
Can I Go Now?
The clipboard is perhaps the second greatest office supply after the file folder. It provides a writing surface on the go and generally is a convenient, fun place to keep together office-item-type stuff you’re working with. Kushner loves clipboards, which makes us like him even more than we already did. However, he named his KushMax clipboard, Clipbored, because he’s always bored. That’s why we never see him making any face but one of ennui combined with enervation, i.e., boredom.
Kushner is also in talks, we’re told by our oh-so-connected White House confidantes, to introduce into the office supply market self-styled filler paper, motivated by the fact that he’s senior-adviser filler to Trump until Agent Orange tires of him and replaces him with another similarly unfit person to counsel him on policy matters. When that happens, we’re sure Kushner can resume poorly negotiating real-estate deals on borrowed billions, or if the Alt-world is lucky, turning to office-supply invention full-time. Lastly, he could make use of the one really appealing thing about him, his killer set of dimples.
Also: Get some meal and snack ideas for Friday Night massacre parties as Trump closes in on Mueller.
Now, Go Collude With KushMax to Get Organized!
We doubt you, our dear SYRW readers, can think of anything more fun than buying shopping-baskets-full of these ingenious school/office supplies that Kushner has made our hearts sing by marketing to us. After all, if you’re members of the right wing of the political spectrum and readers of this website, you’re probably not that smart or imaginative. So, go now and clear some space on your desks for these organizational knick-knacks, tchotchkes, and odds-and-ends from right-wing heaven. Then use them to advance our collective Alt-cause, or do whatever else fills your tiny, shriveled, conservative heart with glee.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
