This right-wing spaceship’s destination is…Earth!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, 3dsculptor.
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, conservative tech lovers!
Welcome home, dear, dear Alt-right-ers. You had been living on another planet. than sane-thinking humans, what with your belief in conspiracy theories; your resistance to progress for your fear it would invalidate you; and your conviction that if you didn’t have personal access to guns, the government would “come get you.” Honestly, even residents of Mars were like, “Those right-wingers are seriously weird.” But as of today, with the news Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) is about to bring you, you can home to Earth. And we are happy to say we at SYRW will be joining you, as we’re one of you! It’ll be nice not to gaze out upon a permanently red atmosphere and barren landscape.
As an Alt-mirror image Elon Musk’s SpaceX, whose self-proclaimed goal is to enable humans to live on other planets, SpaceAlt’s goal is to allow right-wingers to return home to the beautiful, blue-and-green spinning orb known by some as Gaia. SpaceAlt’s CEOs are right-wing billionaire twins Charles and David Cocc.
All Access
One of SpaceAlt’s primary goals is to lower the cost of space travel and make it more accessible to right-wingers living far away from home.
“I once lived on another planet, too. I thought InfoWars and The Daily Stormer were valid–the only valid–journalism out there. A kindly, former Alt-right billionaire reached out to me and showed me that I could return home–it was OK. I want to give the same chance to frightened, lonely, delusional right-wingers clinging to the idea that living on Jupiter is tenable. It’s not. We need to repatriate them to Earth,” David said.
Make It Quick
With little time to lose, what with Jupiter’s unforgiving terrain and climate endangering the lives of right-wingers living there, SpaceAlt also aims to engineer a launch system that can be reused quickly, with little recovery time needed in between launches. As it is, preparing the launch system for reuse can take weeks, but Charles contends that every moment Alt-righters spend on Jupiter they’re beliefs in “loony” hard-right ideas ossify and gain a stronger foothold in their minds. Hence, SpaceAlt is actively searching for ways to make launch systems able to project into space in quick succession rockets to return conservatives to Earth.
And: A page from the diary of NRA Spokesperson Dana Loesch.
No More Screentime
One of the ways conservatives have made life on Jupiter possible for themselves and their ilk is by providing the planet with reliable Internet service. They’ve done so by piggybacking on WiFi signals on Earth. Charles and David both spoke of the need to cut off this secondhand service.
“I mean, who can live without access to the Internet, right? Once we cut this capability off by putting satellites in orbit that block the signals reaching Jupiter from Earth, we won’t have to convince Jupiterians to come back. They’ll be begging us for a seat on an interplanetary flight from Jupiter back to Earth,” said Charles.
Back Home, The Work Begins
Upon their arrival on Earth, residents of Jupiter will likely require extensive repatriation services. In that vein, SpaceAlt hired psychologists, career counselors, occupational therapists, physicians, dieticians, exercise physiologists, and others. They’ll work in concert to ensure that arch-conservatives making Earth their home once again can rebuild the lives they left here. That, of course, comes after a crash course SpaceAlt has set up for former conservaloonies to learn and understand, in some cases for the first time, reason, logic, and rationality.
After learning right–er, correct–modes of thinking while housed in temporary dormitory-style rehabilitation centers, ex-Jupiterians will be able to avail themselves of the services of the above-named professionals in relearning how to eat terrestrial fare, exercise and stay fit within Earth’s particular physical realities, cope with potential feelings of unease in a place they once called home, finding work, among many other skills their particular brand of right-wing kook might have forgotten.
Also: Host your own Giving-It-Away-to-Cambridge-Analytica-For-Free learning session at your home.
Anyone Home?
In a video call with SYRW, Andy Jonesmith said he looked forward to reuniting with his children, in particular. Jonesmith became a resident of Jupiter after President Donald Trump’s election to the highest political office in the land. He said he thought Trump’s presidency was a sign that his wacky right-wing beliefs were right all along, so he went “whole hog.”
“Before I knew it, I was wearing an oxygen tank to allow me to breathe on a planet whose atmosphere is made of hydrogen and helium and that has a storm that’s been raging on its surface for at least 200 years! I wanna come home!” Jonesmith said. He’s known he made a mistake in doing so for while, but until he heard of SpaceAlt, he didn’t think to return to Earth was an option, Jonesmith said.
Jonesmith said there were many others living on the largest planet in the solar system just like him, and they just needed to know they’d be welcomed back for them to commit to a return flight on Cocc’s SpaceAlt.
As such, the Cocc brothers amassed outreach teams to show Jupiterians that the residents of Earth want them back, thinking like sane people who can separate fact from fiction. The first such team is hurtling toward Jupiter as of this writing on a SpaceAlt rocket. Once there, they’ll begin going door-to-door, handing out fliers, and making phone calls proselytizing about the desire of their fellow species-members to reunite with the humans on Jupiter.
We’re sure that you’ll want to begin throwing out all your oxygen tanks, space suits, and freeze-dried food, so we won’t keep you from that, SYRW readers! We’re just glad to be able to look forward welcoming you Alt-ies back into the human fold, mostly because some of you are hot. And as far as hot people go, the more the merrier, we say. Just remember, though, you’re only welcome here as long as you remain well-behaved and sane. The first sign that you’ve been tuning back into Fox News and the American populace’ll ostracize your asses faster than Divine would have been at a Southern Baptist convention.
Until next week, readers, remember: the revolution is being digitized.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
