Walls are pretty sometimes./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, donatas215.
The United States of America, led by its fantabulous current leader, should build a wall around Syria to contain ISIS in that country, sort of like when you put lice-infested clothes in a plastic bag to suffocate them. While we Americans turn our heads away, behind the wall, those Islamist militants will simply fight among themselves and die.
Humanity has a proud tradition of using the construction of intentionally obstructive walls to solve vexing, seemingly complex. cultural problems: the Great Wall of China kept hordes of maurading “savages” out of that great country, Stonewall Jackson was a Confederate general, and Off the Wall by Michael Jackson was just a great album! As the U.S. of A. isolates itself on the world stage, partially through the erecting of a–what, now?–that’s right, a WALL along its Southern Border, a nice leadership swan song would be to take our barrier-related efforts across the globe to war-ravaged Syria. The Syrians may protest at first, panicking as we lock them in on themselves like Fortunato in Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado. But much like when one holds a pillow over someone’s face, eventually the horrible struggling and writhing and muffled screams stop. What’s left is the sweet release of death, an eternal slumber that is a whole lot better than the civil war, terrorism, a generation rapidly being orphaned, and a refugee crisis, all of which is happening in Syria as we speak.
“Walls are, frankly, a panacea for any and all of the woes facing humanity,” said Walter Wallingsworth Senior Wall Engineer with Alls About Walls, a divider-related think tank based out of Wallykins, Minnesota. “There’s essentially no problem that can’t be, at the very least, somewhat-, partially- kinda/sorta-improved by putting up of a barrier of some sort.”
Wallkingsworth added that while it may seem simplistic, almost buffoon-like, to propose a wall as a solution to anything, it’s not. He shook a walrus stuffed-animal named Wally the Walrus Wall in front of his face and asked it, “Who wikes wawws? Wawwee wikes wawws!”
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While wall-based solutions had fallen out of favor in recent years, with a liberal-loony-induced focus on solutions based on academic research, affected-party input, and broadminded, longitudinal thinking, the ascent of His Orangeness, President Donald Trump to a throne of cretinous idiocy atop a nation of moronic asswipes, i.e., us, brought fortress-based solutions back in vogue.
“Much as there is a wall around my junk preventing me from getting laid, which is the underlying cause behind my horrific personality, save for my native intelligence and facility with words,” said Stephen Miller, everyone’s favorite late-forties virgin, immigrant-hater, Islamophobe, and Senior Adviser to the President, “for too long, forward-thinking has acted as an impediment–a wall, if you wall–between cultural quagmires and the solution that’s plain as day because the wall of skin known as the eyelid is blocking us from seeing it: The Wall.”
While playing pocket billiards, Miller noted that his Goyishe Father Figure who plays into his desire to fit into the non-Jewish culture that surrounds him, the ever-so-tall-white-blond-and-blue-eyed Trump, would bring an end to the tyranny of non-barricade-based societal fixes.
A crowd of torch-carrying, pitchfork-wielding Deplorables gathered outside the Syrian embassy to voice their support for keeping dirty Aye-rabs and Hee-jab-wearing Muzzlims over yonder in the Arabian desert where they belong. They chanted, “BUILD-ANOTHER-WALL-BUILD-ANOTHER-WALL,” while dragging their knuckles behind them in circles.
Darrell Blankenforth snuck out of the circle of protesters, steadied himself against circle-induced dizziness, spoke with me.
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“I’m not a hundred percent sure what this ‘Syria’ place is–even though I could find out easily–but any time a wall is mentioned, I’m on board,” Blankenforth said. “Trump’s administration wants it, and I know they wouldn’t lie to me.”
In order to contain the Syrians and all their problems, which are frankly, like, a total bummer to hear about, yet avoid upsetting Russian president Vladimir Putin, Trump would make a trip to Russia, carrying a bouquet of flowers and a miniature teddy-bear with him,” said White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway when I reacher her for comment.. He’d stand nervously at the front door of the Kremlin, shaking his right leg with anticipation and muttering, “Come ooooooon.”
When Putin’s dad answered the door, Trump would smile big and say, “Zdrastvootye, Mr. Putin! May I?”
After Putin, Sr. eyed him suspiciously and stepped to the side to pull the door open, grudginglyTrump would walk in. Putin, Sr. would look behind him, his hand still on the doorknob, and call, “Vlad! Donald’s here to see you! Putin, Jr. would bound excitedly down the stairs in a knee-length skirt with a crinoline underneath, a ponytail bouncing behind him.
Trump would swallow hard, and say, breathlessly, his eyes wide: “Vlad–you look beautiful.” He’d promise to have Putin, Jr. home by nine o’clock. Mrs. Putin would tear up silently, her hands clasped in front of her, watching from the kitchen–where a woman belongs–as Trump and her son left for the Downfall of Democracy Dance.
The Syrian Wall should be just the first of many future walls to come. Rohynga Wall, Afghanistan Wall, and Iraq Wall are just three more walls that need to be built as soon as wall-ish-ly possible. Eventually, a wall will rise up like a Phoenix around other problems, too. Opioid crisis? Wall! National debt? Wall! And, of course, People Who Want More Intelligent Solutions? Wall!
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Clearly, as the above one-thousand-or-so words establish, Syria is just one Trumpian barrier away from deliverance from the problems eating away at it from the inside like a parasite. As long as those problems stay in the geographic confines of the arbitrary boundaries established by the political borders of that country, what do we care? Not a whole lot, that’s what, dear SYRW readers. Not. A whole. Lot. If you’d like your name or the name of someone near and dear to your heart etched onto a whatever cheap, plastic-based material ends up being what the Syrian Wall is made up of as a mini-historical testament to what a horrible, divisive human you are, call 800-Ima-Shit and talk to a Wall Specialist today–operators are standing by!
Remember, also, the Syrians, whose cups runneth over, will pay for this wall, so it’ll have no effect on the U.S. economy. That’s called a soultion with no downside, readers.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
