An Alt-food a day keeps the progress away./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, kazoka303030.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
I hope the first two days of the week, and this, its third, are treating you well and that you’re stuffing your face, gladdening your gullet, and tantalizing your taste buds in all sorts of right-wing ways. If you’re having a touch of trouble doing so, as we all do from Alt-time-to-time, you’ve come to the right website, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), and the right column on that fantabulous website: my weekly food one! This week I’d like to get back to basics, culinarily-speaking. Here at SYRW, every so often, we like to ground ourselves and our readers by reviewing best practices in the fourteen column categories that lend themselves to such an approach. Food is one of those categories, perhaps the prime one, even.
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Bottom Feeders
No, I’m not talking about a very naughty sexual act that I won’t name, even though as a proud Alt-righter I have no qualms about inappropriate sexual references that serve to establish my dominance in any given situation–even one involving fellow conservatives like you who are reading this article.
I know, dear SYRW readers, as the initiators and main proponents of the white, Christian, heterosexist patriarchy and its worldwide dominance, we’re way too good for “bottom” anything, Alas, alack, Western modes of thought do tend to visualize “the bottom” as the place where we establish sturdy foundations for all sorts of life endeavors. One such endeavor is our eating habits.
The left-wing loonies who likely President Obama, our nemesis here on the right, likely put in control of issuing the latest best consumptive practices, as this graphic from the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion (CNPP), a part of the United States Department of Agriculture outlines, would have us all believe that “bread, cereal, rice, and pasta” should make up the bulk of a healthy diet. Well, that sounds suspiciously animal-rights-vegetarian to me. I posit that red meat and potatoes, the stereotypical hearty Western staples, should serve this purpose. So pry open a can of beef stew and dig in!
Fruity Loopy
Next up on the CNPP”s triangle of liberal lies is the absurd notion that the next most prominent feature of our diets should be fruits and vegetables. Well, not if I, Julia Kidd, and SYRW have anything to say about it. And we have plenty to say about: no. Just no. Who came up with this, an actual fruit–a gay guy?
What are we, rabbits–scared, soft, meek rabbits? On the culinary contrary! We’re human beings, despite our inhuman-ly immoral and unethical approach to social policy and electing leaders, which we’re quite proud of, thank you very much, Go, Donald!
I submit that you include fruits and vegetables in your diet only if you’re certain their as irresponsibly sourced and ‘roided up as possible. Hormones and antibiotics do a plant-body good! And they pollute our soil and waterways, and that’s always something we on the right want to support.
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Additionally, fruits and vegetables can be good choices when they’re fermented into alcohol, like vodka (also a popular drink in our new favorite country, after the U.S. of A., Russia!) or wine. Alcohol is a good, old-fashioned way to get in touch with the emotions we keep in check as participants in a social contract of civic siblinghood, and they fill us with the unnatural energy that allows us to shred that social contract because, for the first time, we on the right feel like we’re on the losing end of it.
The Big Guns
Got you excited and intrigued with a firearm reference. Oh, calm down! I was just being playful, which we on the right are all about as long as it doesn’t hit a sensitive nerve in our touchy Alt-right beings. After all, even though we accuse the left of being “snowflakes” and “pearl-clutchers,” as if sensitivity and heightened awareness are bad things, we’re the ones who are acting out and flipping our lids at our perception that we’re being insulted by the overall culture as others demand rights, privileges, and advantages that we’ve always exclusively enjoyed.
Anyway, at the almost-top of the pyramid, you know, like the top of the cultural totem pole we’re clawing our way back to, comes a big group of eats: milk, yogurt, cheese, meat, poultry, fish, dry beans, eggs, and nuts. Yes! Hearty, substantive yummies that pack a protein-packed punch! Chow down with abandon.
Sweet Nothings
At the top of the CNPP’s food pyramid are fats, oils, and sweets. The Center advises us to use them sparingly in our diets. But why? Because the left wants us to waste away into non-existence? Nice try, Commies! I encourage you to partake of these delicious substances, in the form of baked goods, fried treats, or canned and jarred fare, in a no-holds-barred, take-no-caloric-prisoners fashion. We need to keep our strength and poundage about us, lest the left use the diminished verve, vim, vigor, and vitality they want us to experience to take charge even more than they already have in our precious homeland!
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You’re now free to sweeten your pot with some fat-tastic, oil-based goodies. You’re welcome, my dear SYRW readers. You’re so very welcome.
Go Tell It On the Tabletop
You know, like Go Tell It On the Mountain, the classic, life-changing novel by James Baldwin, except reappropriated and stupid-ized for the Alt-right? Now that I’ve given your chow-related knowledge, know-how, and knowledge-base a shot in the Alt-arm, I hope you’ll approach meal-making as we on the right approach life these days. And that is, go at it with a petulant, entitled, whiny, obnoxious, privileged, vehement-for-no-reason gustative gusto. After all, we made this Western cultural pie, and so we have more right than any of our societal competitors to dig in, pushing others to the side to see that, at best, they subsist on the crumbs, detritus, and offal that aren’t good enough for proud, sanctimonious, self-satisfied political-right-wingers like us.
Until next week, Bon Appetit, cheers, and salut!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
