“Hey, boo. What’re you workin’ for– we’re at the Presidential Personnel Office. Let’s have some fun!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock,
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
We at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) would like to introduce you to our new Fashion and Beauty correspondent Emma Winter. She comes to us after years of working at unfortunately liberal-leaning fashion publications where she was at least able to advance the heterosexist patriarchy goal of shaming people into feeling like they have to abide by rigid, oppressive beauty standards during her tenure at them. Now, we have this wonderful human all to ourselves. For her first assignment, and with our unparalleled access to all things, people, and places Trump Administration we sent her to get the lay of the land at the Presidential Personnel Office (PPO) in the interest of getting laid. You might be asking yourselves, “Why would one try to get a date there?” Or you may not be, as Alt-right-ers and SYRW readers aren’t exactly known for a proclivity to question…well, much of anything. Read on for the details on that and more courtesy of Emma!
Related: Kellyanne Conway cured the nation of its opioid epidemic with these sage words.
That’s Not In My Job Description–But It Is In My Fun-Times Description
The PPO is tasked with vetting thousands of administration job applicants, but only has 30 full-time employees, most with liittle or no experience in assignments of the sort they’re expected to undertake in their current positions, according to reporters Robert O’Harrow, Jr. and Shawn Boburg of The Washington Post (WaPo). Hmm–understaffed and inexperienced? Those seem like words that come up a lot when we’re talking about the administration of President Donald Trump.
PPO leaders hosted happy hours last year in their offices that included beer, wine, and snacks for dozens of PPO employees and White House liaisons who work in federal agencies, White House officials confirmed. In January, they played a drinking game in the office called “Icing” to celebrate the deputy director’s 30th birthday. Icing involves hiding a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, a flavored malt liquor, and demanding that the person who discovers it, in this case, the deputy director, guzzle it,” reported O’Harrow, Jr., and Boburg for WaPo.
Make-Up Shake-Up
During his campaign in 2016, Donald Trump promised to shake things up in Washington, D.C. were he elected to the highest policy-making position in the land, that of President. And that’s just what the PPO’s doing, right Alt-readers? If you want to join the immature, wet-behind-the-ears folks on staff at the PPO, we have some makeup recommendations that’ll make you hot-to-trot property there.
Try a matte lipstick, so that when you’re playing “Icing” or other drinking games, the maquillage on your smacker won’t rub off on the drink receptacles you use. In fact, for an extra-indelible pucker tint try the following. Line your lips just outside the contours of your lips for an effect of fullness, then apply your matte lip color. Next, blot some translucent loose powder on top of the color, brushing away any excess powder. Glide your matte lipstick back over your lips once more. Repeat as necessary, depending on how wear-proof you want your mouth-hue to be.
Clothes Make the Woman Who Wants to Date a Trump Staffer
What you wear to these happening, new de-facto singles dating destination known as the PPO is oh-so-important, too, if you want to fit in with your fellow bad-life-choice-making wrecks. And of course, you do want that.
Clearly, work-appropriate clothing isn’t going to be a big concern for people drinking on the job, so your options are wide open. We recommend some tight jeggings or slim-fitting cigarette pants. Pair those with a funky, fun blouse in a loose, drapey fabric. Siip on a pair of noisy, too-high heels to catch the eye of the PPO hunks whose tastes we assume run toward the traditional, given the admin they work for. Round out your look with a chunky statement necklace, like the ones White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders favors, to call attention to your chest, another favorite of overgrown frat bros, and you’ll be good to go–good to go home with a hottie, that is!
Hair Apparent
President Trump loves to hand out jobs to his heirs and acolytes, and perhaps the PPO workers feel they don’t need to be too concerned with staffing the federal government, because anyone they end up hiring will just be fired in favor of a member of Trump’s personal inner circle eventually, anyway. But we have some hair tips for PPO-going even if your not an heir.
But to do your hair for a visit to the PPO, we recommend the following implement: your fingers. Don’t wash it after the night before you intend to drop by this watering hole, and don’t put product in it the day of, either. Try a loose, tousled look that says, “I just rolled out of bed, and I’d like to go back to it with one of you Alt-hotties.”
Make sure to play with your hair a lot, too, to underscore that while your crowning glory ‘do is quite resplendent, what’s underneath it isn’t going to emasculate the fragile ego of the conserva-dudebro you hope to get the digits or even address of while you’re doing enjoying a day or night out at the PPO.
Also: If the Left thinks guns are a public health issue, then we’re going to stay in more!
If you’ve been feeling like you just weren’t sure if you’d ever find that gal or guy who made you feel right-wing randy, I hope my trip to the Presidential Personnel Office has made you see that you can–you will–find the Alt-person who makes your atrophied ticker beat with to rhythm of love, as much as we on the right of the political spectrum are capable of feeling that emotion for anyone but ourselves. Even if you’re not a Maryland-Washington, D.C.–Virginia local, I encourage you to fly out to the nation’s capital for a day or two to sidle up to the makeshift bar in this office of idiocy and see if you can bag a slightly tipsy, very reactionary hottie to call your own.
Until next week, when I’ll be back with more conserva-beauty tips, then, dear readers, go out and be outwardly beautiful and inwardly hideous. I know you can do it!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
