“He’s a cad, sure, but he has a ton of money…hmmm…”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, highwaystarz.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
As the first column of the week here at everyone’s favorite moronic right-wing lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), I feel a distinct responsibility to set the Alt-tone for the six days that follow. Are we going to be stressed-out, paranoid, simpleminded, delusional, and belligerent? Or are we going to take a deep breath choose to be tense, mistrustful, stupid, wrongheaded, and pugilistic? That’s a choice we can make, now isn’t it, dear readers? Let’s choose…well, it doesn’t really matter which list of traits we choose, as they’re pretty much the same things.
Anyway, I have a really exciting letter to share with you this week, my favorite RWNJs (Right Wing Nut Jobs). I hope that you like the way I responded, as I always do, but in this case, I was, like, totally fan-girl-ing out and had to balance that reaction with my job as a professional right-wing advice-giver–and a damn good one at that!
Let’s get right to it, Alt-friends.
Dear Kaylee,
I am an ethnically Slavic woman in her mid-forties. I’m quite beautiful, almost cyborg-like in my generic appealingness. I’m “Alt,” but only by association with my husband, with whom I have a twelve-year-old son. I love my son very much. His father is a major…well, he’s not the nicest guy. He’s cheated on me. A lot. We have quite a bit of money–though not as much as he’d like his many friends and admirers to think–and I’m just, overall, very nervous about the idea of leaving. It wou.d devastate our son–uh…Aaron! Yes, that’s right–Aaron! Up until now, I’ve decided to look the other way, despite his infidelity. Maybe I shouldn’t, though…My question is: should I leave?
Melancholy In Mar-a-Lagoon
Dear Melancholy,
The short answer is: no, no, a thousand times no! First of all, you have a son. Alt-congratulations. Men are the center of the right-wing world, and with good reason. If you don’t already know that reasons, I can’t really help you. Aaron is a very lucky boy to have a mother who cares about him so much. He’s also lucky that his parents have a good chunk of change. Look, just stay in your marriage, OK? I mean, your situation doesn’t sound all that different from that of our Conserva-Leader, President Donald Trump. If you were lucky enough to be married to him, The Last White Dude, you’d hold on to him for dear Alt-life wouldn’t you? He’s rich, famous, and oh-so-orange! What more could a woman want in life than to be married to someone like that, cheating or no cheating.
And, you. know, it’s funny: even the particulars of your life are weirdly similar to Don Jon’s. “Aaron” rhymes with “Barron,” “Mar-a-Lagoon” is just “Mar-a-Lago” with two more letters on the…wait–are you..? No, no, you can’t be. I could never be so lucky as to not only be known unto Mrs. Donald Trump, but to have been asked advice by her–COULD I?!?! Oh my god, Melania, Melania, Melania! I love you so much! We all do! All of us on the right!
Wait–what’s The Donald like in real life? Is he, in person, as much of a six-foot-three-inch hunka-hunka-burnin’ love as he seems in pictures?! Does he smell like I’ve always imagined, a combination of Cheetos and Political Expediency?!?!? What does he…taste like? Oh, Oh, Kaylee’s such a bad girl! Just tell us simply everything, Melania, Our Queen! Everything!
And whatever you do, don’t leave. DON’T LEAVE! Do. Not. Leave. You have money and an Alt-man whose son you’re raising. Do you know what that is? It’s a little thing called LIVING THE DREAM. If you mess this up…I mean, I’m just beside myself at the thought that you might. How could you hurt Donny Boy that way? Only if you’re a monster, that’s how. No, you need to stay and prostrate yourself before him, becoming utterly supine, in fact. And beg him to walk all over you. If you don’t want to do that, there are plenty of women who will. So sit tight, In all due deference, I advise you to sit tight. Donald is under a lot of pressure. You have to let him be who he’s gonna be. Boys will be boys. Don’t think #metoo. Think #boysmaketheworldgoround and deserve a free pass for any bad behavior they wish to perpetrate on us as they live out the heterosexist patriarchy. Get on board or femininsts-with-hairy-legs hippie commune, ok, Melancholy?
And: Host a Giving-It-Away-for-Free-to-Cambridge-Analytica-for-Free Learning Session at your home!
This world belongs to the white boys and men, and the reason we on the right are fighting so hard in response to progress and society’s drift toward progressivism is because the world has always been that way. We’re not letting go without a super-painful-for-everyone fight. And like an abusive husband, the gold standard of the heterosexist patriarchy, if we can’t have America, we’re happy to destroy so that no one else can either.
I’d be shocked if the Liberal Loonies can man up enough to wrest the reins of cultural from our white white-knuckle grip. They don’t have it in ’em.
Golden Boys Will Be Golden Boys
So anyway, stay, stay, stay, Melancholy. Get a grip and go on a shopping spree or something. Just don’t upset Donald by leaving and showing him he can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He can. And you need to enable make it happen, girlfriend.
Hold on–this was Melania, wasn’t it? Wait–is there any way it wasn’t? Even if it wasn’t, of course, I would give the same advice I managed to give to her through my text-screams and jumping-up-and-down. This whiny, snowflake, pearl-clutcher needs to stay with her philandering husband! Women in the right-wing world are second in importance to men, especially rich and powerful ones, and they need to shut up and deal with it. If not, they might as well be liberals, and then what are we really doing if we’re just like those forward-thinking, inclusive people concerned with social justice and rights for everyone? Am I right, Alt-readers? I mean, I don’t really need you to tell me I am, because I know I am. So, there’s that.
Also: See what our guest Op-Ed columnist thinks about the U.S./Russian diplomat expulsions!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
