Because they are a special brand of fool, the Trump admin needed gadgets made just for them!/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, junce11.
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, tech lovers!
President Donald Trump’s administration is unlike any other that has existed before it. As much as we Alt-right-ers like us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) love it, we can’t deny that. First of all, it’s headed by a buffoon, Donald Trump. Second of all, the positions within it are filled by the least qualified people possible, making it a kakistocracy. Third of all, it’s a chaotic mess, with backstabbing, doublespeak, and constant hirings and firings being the norm. And lastly, Trump and the dinghuses who work for him partake in some pretty bizarre activities on a regular basis.
As dependent as pretty much everyone in the modern world is on our digital devices, it’s no wonder, then, that Trump and some members of Team Trump had to have certain electronic gadgets, gizmos, and contraptions made specifically for them to aid them in carrying out the bizarre, ill-advised, and misguided tasks they must every day. We spoke with some Always-and-Forever Trumpers on His Orangeness’ payroll, on the condition of anonymity, about such implements, which help them do the things they’ve convinced themselves they need to do for Don Jon.
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Take This and Be Quiet
A certain attorney and longtime close friend of President Donald Trump is first on our list of Trump admin members who had a digital device custom-made to assist him in his soulless work. It’s called the MistressManager! It looks like Amazon’s Alexa, a black, bullet-shaped implement that sits atop this Trump-employed lawyer fellow’s desk.
“Each time the boss has an affair and we need to keep the dame he had it with from spilling the lurid, frankly, disgusting, details of their encounter or encounters to the press–or even Melania–I say, Georgette–that’s her name, Georgette,” our source says, smiling. “She then ‘wakes up.’ I tell her, ‘Pay Stormy Daniels.’ Because Georgette is always connected online to my checking account, some funds will then go directly from it to ‘Ms. Daniels’.”
Our lawyer source then paused and cast his eyes downward for a moment, then added, “And I don’t think it’s weird, unethical, or even stupid of me to be paying someone hush money out of my own assets for my friend and employer.”
Diplomacy Shmiplomacy
One of the many, many, many, many, many things we on the right of the political spectrum love about our dear President Trumpykins is that he’s enacting isolationist and protectionist “foreign policy,” if it can be called that. Who needs relationships with other countries! We want the U.S.A. to get left behind as the rest of the world advances into a humane, sustainable, progressive future. Good life choice! Hence, it tickles us to no end–giggle, giggle!–when Trump refers to foreign leaders with childish epithets like “Rocket Man;” pulls us out of environmental-stewardship agreements like the Paris Climate Accords, and most recently, makes up lies in a pathetic attempt to negotiate trade deals with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
In the pursuit of such moronic policy decisions, and because he’s too stupid and inexperienced to think it off himself, a certain young, belligerent Foreign Policy Adviser whose last name rhymes with “killer” asked a telecom giant to create for him the InternationalRelationshipInvalidator. With its use, this source can be sure he’s giving President Agent Orange the most shortsighted, foolhardy guidance possible when it comes to relationships with other countries.
“I just enter a country’s name using this keypad,” Mr. His-Last-Name-Rhymes-With-Killer told us of a device that looked like one of those old text-messagers on his desk in the White House. “It tells me what I can advise the president to do to best alienate, antagonize, and offend whatever foreign government I want!”
For example, this foreign policy adviser told us, Canda is one of our oldest and closest allies. Yet, Trump, rapidly descending into Alzheimer’s senility, still wanted to alienate its prime minister. Yessiree!
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Say What? No, Seriously–What?
The sheer number and magnitude of the dunderheaded statements that every member of this administration utters multiple times a day, day after day, boggle the minds of even of its most die-hard supporters, like us here at SYRW.
The two people who say the most non-sensical things most often, usually in response to comments or questions directed at them are a certain president and a certain Southern-accented mouthpiece of his. They are, after all, more than anyone on Team Trump, in positions where they have to interact with skeptical queriers–very unfair!
So this unnamed president and his unnamed apologist share custody of a NonSequitrGenerator they pitched in to have a computer manufacturer make. Because they can’t be relied upon to spell things correctly, these two Trump-ers requested their device respond to voice commands.
“I can ask, ‘Wilhelmina,’ for just one example: ‘Wilhelmina, what should I say if a reporter asks me if the president thinks neo-Nazis are “very fine people?”‘ the Southern-born female said, leaning toward the answering-machine-like gadget on her office desk.
“Obama was president before him, why don’t you ask him?” ‘Wilhelmina’ replied in the robotic voice favored by devices.
The lady-mouthpiece then asked her nonsense-generating gadget how to respond if a reporter asked her why President Trump brought up imposing steel and aluminum tariffs today.
“That is true, he did. But it’s disgusting fake news, and I’ll get back to you on it,” ‘Wilhelmina’ returned in her robotic, oddly sultry voice.
It’s Been Ten Million Years, So It’s Time
There’s a fourth gadget that Team Trump as a whole commissioned a big tech company to create for them: the DelayedHalfAssedResponseMaker. Because Trump and his team are new at this, which we Alt-ers demanded and is just working out so, so, so fabulously and not ruining the world at all, they have no coherent strategy for anything they do. One minute they’re sucking up to Russia, the next minute Trump wants to diminish talk of the obvious reality that he won’t punish Russia for its meddling in U.S. elections because of a dangerous, blackmail-induced relationship between Putin and Trump, so he issues sanctions against–not the nation–but select Russians and entities, as reported by The New York Times and others. Trump and his team came to this brilliant international-relations decision using the DelayedHalfAssedResponseMaker. They were lucky to get a hold of it, as it’s in high demand among the Merry Band of Idiots known as the Trump Administration.
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We sure wish we were unlucky enough to have said yes to a job in the Administration From Hell, like the awesome individuals above. Alas, our lot in life seems only to watch the trainwreck known as Trump’s government simultaneously implode and explode from the outside and report back about its wondrousness to you, our dear SYRW readers. That’s not a half bad gig either, to be honest. Even though we don’t have neato, custom-made digital devices to speak of, our dignity, souls, moral compasses, self-worth, and reputations will be intact when Satan’s gift to governing, the Trump admin, crashes and burns, whenever that day ends up coming.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
