“Yeah, I see what he’s saying about getting rid of our firewall!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, seventyfour.
Hello, Alt-design buffs!
As fellow Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs), we at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) are with you all the way in loving any and every way our dear President Donald Trump asks us to bend over, and then we do. The latest is the revelation that a political consulting firm hired by the Trump campaign did unconscionable things, which, as RWNJs, we’re cool with. As long as a black guy isn’t in power and we have our guns to keep him away if he comes back.
“Cambridge Analytica [CA], a political data firm hired by President Trump’s 2016 election campaign, gained access to private information on more than 50 million Facebook users. The firm offered tools that could identify the personalities of American voters and influence their behavior,” reported The New York Times reported.
We thought it would be doing our civic duty–which normally we don’t care about, because we don’t want a healthy society and are too narrow-minded to see how good lives for everyone benefit us, too To put a finer point on it, we just want good lives for ourselves and members of our narrowly defined tribe–
We thought it would be doing our Alt-right-wing civic duty to show our fellow patsies for Trump, which includes all you loyal SYRW readers out there, about how to invite CA into your home to learn the best practices for willingly giving information to that firm so they can then use it to sway elections. You know, because we wanted Trump to shake things up, and he sure did–making them far, far worse than they were..
We wanted to teach all our loyal readers how to rail like lunatics about how you need guns to protect you from the government that’s coming to get you while remaining mum about a Trump-affiliated company “harvests” data on you by hosting a Cambridge Analytica Give-Yourself-Away-for-Free-for-Trump Learning Session at your home. We invited former CA Chief Executive Alexander Nix to the SYRW offices to get schooled on how to invite a bunch of fellow right-wingers over for some brief lessons on how to make our homes easily penetrable non-fortresses of our personal information. Here’s what he said!
Related: If they’re gonna say guns are a public health issue, we have an easy solution on the right!
What’s the Word?
We’ll tell you what it is: password! Yes, that’s right, Alt-ies. If we simply hand over our passwords to firms like CA, it’ll be that much easier and smoother process for them to use the information like a political weapon–you know, like the guns the government is just salivating to take away from you–to swing elections! So the first thing Nix advised us to do at a Cambridge Analytica Give-Yourself-Away-for-Free-for-Trump Learning Session is to hand out a sheet of paper to all your guests on which they can list all their online passwords! You’d be surprised how much having all the passwords in one place makes it easier for a nefarious consulting outfit to gather them up! You can even provide the following format for them:
Facebook– Twitter– Instagram– LinkedIn– Snapchat–
And so forth. Now, tell your learning session-attendees to paint those in huge letters on their roofs! CA is planning helicopter fly-overs in May, Nix said, so make sure to get that done by the last week in April, preferably in fluorescent-colored paint.
Kittens and Puppies
Researchers at Useless Studies University in Wastemoney, Maryland found that cute pictures of kittens in baskets or puppies looking adorably helpless were the most popular check backgrounds in the United States of America!
Speaking of checks. Nix said that having your checking account and bank routing number printed on lawn signs and then pushing the metal spoke-thingies on those signs into the ground to stand them up in your front lawn would make his former employer’s job a whole lot easier. Good to know, right? Also, don’t be alarmed when you see a shiny, dark Cadillac drive by your home oddly slowly. It’s just CA taking digital pics–or should we say pix, like Nix?–of the signs!
And: Sleight of hand for the easily-fooled Trump supporter, which is a little redundant, we know.
Phew! And you thought it was the government coming to take your guns! Good thing it wasn’t, we know!
Antisocial Insecurity
All that hogwash you’ve heard about not sharing your Social Security Number with anyone is just liberal nonsense to distract you so that the government can steal your guns while you’re not hyper-vigilant. The same goes for your passport number and your driver’s license number. Listing these three personal identifiers on business-card like paper-squares, then leaving them on your front porch would make the voter -suppression election-rigging efforts of CA and firms like it working for unethical demons like Trump and his merry band of idiot campaign staffers to use facts, figures, and statistics to get the outcome they want out of sham elections!
Get a business-card-holder, painting it with signs and symbols that are meaningful to you–which also could tell CA valuable information about you, those there’s a lot of room for misinterpretation with such personal semiotics, which is why standardized information metrics can be oh-so-valuable in fiendish data-collection efforts–and affix it to the exterior of your home. Next to the front door is a good place to do this, though if you want to ensure that you remain blissfully clueless when your info is pilfered, the exterior side walls of your house are better choices.
Also: 7 Lessons In Successful Self-Delusion for the Trump supporter.
Even if you’re not a big fan of entertaining, we hope you’ll consider hosting a fabulous event like the one described above at your place of residence. After all, we can’t make it too, too difficult to be completely taken advantage of and used while a giant orange showman tells us what we want to hear, secretly laughing behind our backs, now can we? Of course not! The liberals would take over then! We’d much rather have CA-type consulting firms know way too much about us than the government, even though with the government, there are some avenues for recourse if we feel it’s misused sensitive information about us.
Well, we better be off to learn about some more projects, design ideas, and similarly home-related wondrousness to put a little conservative spin on and apprise you of next, week!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
