We’ll shoot up our own homes if we have to, but we will not forsake our guns–sounds rational right?!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, kharkhov.photo.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
Let’s take a deep breath in, filling our lungs with all the manufacturing chemicals and construction-related toxins swirling around our homes. Hold for 5-4-3-2-1. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, exhale. Come into Namaste pose with your palms touching in front of you, your feet shoulder-width apart, and a firm core. Good! Now, let’s ruin all that by talking about the unjustified anger, misplaced pity of ourselves, and petulant indignation that animate our political stances, indeed color our entire lives.
So, the left, the progressives, the Commies, the youth, the Dems, the hippies, the pinkos, the bleeding-hearts, those suckers who souls are still alive and who are still able to feel compassion and empathy, making them want to live in robust communities and not just tackily, cheaply-decorated temples to the nuclear family that the capitalist project requires, what those people are saying now is that guns and gun reform are a public health issue. See this post on the American Public Health Association website for more. Can you imagine anything more delusional, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? The fear, insecurity, mayhem, and the actual physical harm caused by a poor, innocent, defenseless thing like the gun–responsible for 38,000 deaths in the United States in 2016–a public health issue? Well, fine–then guess what? We on the right will simply not go in public! So there!
Related: Packing tips to help you prepare for your next Alt-jaunt.
Here are some things you can do, AT HOME with your GUNS.
Splish Splash I Was Takin’ a Bath
Our first not-at-all deranged idea is putting all your firearms, ammunition, and gun-related accessories in your favorite bathtub. Light some scented candles, and don’t be afraid to mix fragrances! Lavender and vanilla–why the heck not? Put on some of your favorite smooth, relaxing music. Strip naked, and dip your big toe in to make sure the temperature is just right. Aaaaaah! Warm and inviting. Now lower yourself in and lose yourself in the firearms and firearm-accessories, maybe even allowing yourself to go under, filling your lungs and cheeks with air. Close your eyes and smile a big, goofy grin as you rub a gun all over your body, including under your arms, behind your ears, and yes, your special-area, making sure to get nice and gun-clean.
Crisp, Clean, Gunpowder-Smelling Laundry
Next, you could fill a laundry basket with guns, and then rest it on your hip. As you walk out to the backyard, stub your toe on one of the kids’ toys. Say, “Ugh–Tommy, what did tell you about leaving your toys all over the family room floor. And Lexi, we need to leave for practice in an hour, so be ready!”
Curse your oppressive, suburban-housewife existence. When you get out to the clothesline, swaying back and forth in the cool breeze, drop the basket at your feet, and begin hanging the guns up to dry. As you the sunlight makes you squint, catch the eye of the sexy neighbor watching you through his fence, and get a secret, illicit, electric thrill from it. Feel the naughty, forbidden feeling wash over you in a shiver, and scurry back into the house in a panic, leaving the last gun or two only half hung on the line.
An Arrangement, But Not of an Orchestral Piece
Now, you could dump a bunch of guns, ammunition, a related paraphernalia in your kitchen sink. Open the front of the dishwasher and line the gun-potpourri in your sink. Fill the top and bottom shelves with your bang-bang instruments of death. But don’t run the dishwasher, lest you damage your guns. Besides, that would be demented! Remove them all and pile them into a wheelbarrow.
And: The three nutritional supplements every right-winger must take.
Gimme the Remote
Go to whatever room in your house it is in which all the sofas, armchairs, and settes face a 52-inch or bigger screen TV. Prop up your biggest, baddest, scariest-looking gun against the boob tube. Sit on your couch with your legs manspread out in front of you, your arms propped up against the back of the couch. Now watch that gun! What a show! If you really love them guns, you should have no problem doing this. So do it! You can even use your TV remote to change the channel on your gun: The Hunting channel, full of shows about the truly sick practice of hunting for sport or hunting for meat instead of buying well-farmed meat; the Self-Defense Channel on which people lie and say that when someone broke into their house they had the presence of mind and time to get their gun and shoot the intruder; and the Paranoia Channel, which features shows about people who stockpile guns and ammo, because in their self-aggrandizing fantasies, they’re important enough for “the government” to want to come get them.
Black Thumb
If you have a knack for botanical pursuits, then this next idea should really tickle your gun-fancy. Wheel that barrow out to your front yard, so passersby and neighbors can see what you’re doing, how far you’ve fallen because of your unerring devotion to guns, Dig a hole about a foot deep, place a gun in the hole, and then fill the hole in with soil. Continue doing so until you have a beautiful gun-garden of violence! Pretty and makes a point. That point is that you are a freaking nut job, and you love your guns so much you’ll do anything to make sure you can keep them, including stay home and do inane, asinine things with them.
Guns Are People Too
Jeez-Louise! What will these liberals think of next–health care is a human right? Women should have free, legal access to abortion? Black lives matter? The poor deserve health care in addition to the rich? Capitalism values corporations over the lives of humans and is thus inherently corrupt? Global warming is a fact, and not a good one? Are we saying now animals deserve human treatment, even rights, too? Listen, if you give these whack jobs who want to build a healthy society, and not just engage in empty, consumerist purchasing-nonsense to give their lives a patina of meaning, like we do, they’ll take a mile. So, stay home, right-wingers! Stay home and…well, do all those really smart, not-absurd ideas we gave you above. Long live the gun, gun, gun!
Also: WH Press Secretary did this shocking thing–and a lot more!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
