Girl, you need to stay at work to get that Medicaid you want, but keep your sneezing far away from me!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Sergey Nivens.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados! My name is Antoine Boordayne. I’m the right-wing new travel correspondent for Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I look forward to taking all you RWNJs (Right Wing Nut Jobs) along with me as a seek adventure and excitement traveling the nation and the world, all while remaining to true to our shared ridiculous Alt-worldview. I’ve written about my globe-trotting exploits for such esteemed right-wing publications as Breitbart, The Daily Stormer, and Townhall. When Fox News has been able to squeeze in some time on their packed schedule of screaming banshees making up lies to scare people into being anti-progressive, it’s me they’ve turned to use what can only loosely be called news stories about travel to scare people into being anti-progressive. I look for all the wild, non-wonderful, somehow-still-xenophobic-and-small-minded trouble we’re going to get in together on our wanderlust-motivated exploits.
Today, I wanted to keep it domestic, however. Most of you probably know that the Trump Administration wasted no time in seeing that your hard-earned-on-the-backs-of-others-income-taxed-away-by-the-Deep-State was put to good use by local governments wanting to throw it all away on people who are sick and need Medicaid coverage but are lazy good-for-nothings unwilling to work hard for the money and to be treated right, as Donna Summer sang. Nine states want to follow Kentucky’s shining example of asshole-dom and make work requirements a part of being eligible for Medicaid coverage. I thought it would be fun to take a trip to those states and spend some do-re-mi there to reward them for being such bold, ballsy conservative pieces-of-shit! Come on–let’s go!
Related: See what Secretary of Rex Tillerson said in our exit interview with him.
Not Just an Iced Tea
The first stop on our nonsenically-aphabetical tour that pays no mind to what order would be geographically wise is Arizona. We know, we know–you’re having a fan-girl moment because that hunky piece of moral waste matter, Joe Arpaio is from here. Ok, ok, calm down!
Anyway, it may surprise you to know that Arizona is more than just a place to get cheaply-made jewelry that knocks off Native American styles without honoring in any way the culture it exploits! It’s home to the Don Jon Gecko, which turns a bright orange…hey, get off me! Get off, you sick, dying person begging for medication! Get your lazy hands off my travel-slack-ankles. See–these poor people are always looking for a handout from us good, upstanding citizens who fancy ourselves bootstrappers but really just were handed lives of comfort and abundance because of our various forms of privilege. Jeez!
Let’s get out of here!
Why The Hell Isn’t It Pronounced Are-KAN-sas?
Let’s be honest, that’s one of the most interesting things about The Natural State. Seriously, that’s it’s nickname!
Anyway, I think it’s a great place to talk about something Matt Bevin, the Republican governor of Kentucky, uttered: “Bevin said many of the newly eligible are able-bodied, and said they had a moral responsibility to work for their benefits.” Clap. Clap. Clap. What a wise, wise man. Enough with this whole health care is a human right thing! Finally someone is willing to call it like it is. You better earn your health, not just be handed it on a silver platter, because…ow! What the–oh, my god! I just stepped on a dead body, and…oh, god they’re everywhere…and what does that sign say? “DO NOT REMOVE LAZY CORPSES. PROPERTY OF ARKANSAS DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH?” Oh, lord the chunks are rising up…let’s get the hell out of dodge!
What the Hell Is a Hoosier?
You know what–I don’t want to know. Nevermind that I asked. Anyway, you might have guessed that our next stop is the great state or Indiana! Folks, this glorious state is more than just a giant Chicago-wanna-be. It’s…well, it’s…uh, hey! Look over there! That many is blonde, blue-eyed, and very white! Let’s ask him what we simply must see while we’re here!
Excuse us, good sir, but–holy shit, there’s blood coming out of his eyes…and nose…and mouth! And he’s reaching toward us! Move, go, run!
I Think I Kansas
Aaaaah–breathe in that nice-to-your-face-but-the-same-as-everyone-else-behind-closed-doors Midwestern air. A right-winger could really get used to that. Now, as you may or may not know, Kansas is the hub of aeronautical and aerospace engineering industry, due in large part to it’s–Ker-CLUNK-Ker-CLUNK-Ker-CLUNK.
What’s that loud thumping noise? Oh, it’s that nice lady with a cane and eye patch headed our way.
“Good day, m’lady!”
“Says who? Hm–must be out-of-towners. Well, you wanna know something about Kansas? It’s now home to the people with the most non-congenital-illness-induced limps in the country, and that number’s only gonna climb if these work requirements make it.”
Ker-CLUNK-Ker-CLUNK-Ker-CLUNK.
With that wonderful tidbit of knowledge, let’s be off!
The Maine Event
Evergreens as tall as the sky, emerald-blue lakes, and a caribou crossing the road: it can only be Maine! This lovely state off in a Northern corner by itself, it seems sometimes, doesn’t get enough credit. Let’s take a stroll down Main Street in August, the state’s capital. Look there! This sign identifies this beautifully-utilitarian architecture as a ‘Dope House: Do Not Enter’…excuse me, young man, what’s a ‘Dope House?’ It’s basically an old, condemned house, you say, that the state bought to put drug-addicted homeless people in so they could die in a controlled environment? Oh! Well, that’s…wouldya look at the time, we better be on our way!”
Poor, Sick Hampshire
That’s what a bill set to be voted on during the next legislative cycle proposes changing the name of the state that’s our next stop on what’s been a deeply disturbing, gruesome trip so far: New Hampshire!
Do you know, dear SYRW friends, what this state’s motto is? Well, they’re thinking of changing that too! The current motto is “Live Free or Die,” but another proposed bill would make it, “Be Born Rich or Die.” Again, so refreshing when we can just let our right-wing balls hang out there, no?
And: Some viral video “challenges” specifically for the right-wing teen.
Outer, Unregulated Banks
Here we are in a state that is home to some seriously wacky, right-wing stuff, as many of you know, but is paradoxically the site of some very lefty crap, too. Go figure!
One example of that is how it’s conservative in all the wonderfully-traditional ways you’d expect, but it was the site of a hotly contested law requiring transgender people to use the bathroom that aligned with the gender on their birth certificate. Does any of you need to use the bathroom, by the way, because there’s one right there…Sure, we’ll wait…Wait–why are you back so soon? Because someone was coughing and sneezing so much it was making it less gross to just hold it in, and the person also told you they had the flu and couldn’t afford to get a flu shot because of the increasing barriers put up by the state to access government health benefits?
That sounds like our cue to leave!
Utah, Me-Tah, We-All-Tah
Here we are in the home of the Great Salt Lake and also: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Mormonism for short.
Damn, these Mormons have a lot of chedda’, yo! We’re sure not to be troubled by any of the dying sick people that have really put a damper on our attempts at touring the previous seven states! Phew!
And look at that, an elderly man waving at us from a second-story window in downtown Salt Lake City! ‘Hi, Sir!’ Wait–aaagh! He’s falling! Help, somebody, somebody, help!
Excuse us, sir, a man just fell out of that window, and–yes, that one. That was Old Man Smith, who could afford his health insurance since he retired, and you were kind of all just waiting for him to kick the bucket? You’ll call someone to come get him? Uuhh…o…k?
Well, if I can be frank with you, fellow travelers, didn’t Smith kind of have it coming by refusing to get off his old, wrinkly ass and work for his health insurance? I thought so.
Wiscon-Sin-City
Oh, yeah, this Midwestern state gets a rep as an overly earnest, goody-two-shoes place, but many people don’t know that it has some fun, fun, fun dining spots such as McCallisters, which has a five-star rating from Michelin. Let’s go inside and sample some of the cheesy dishes Wisconsin is famous for.
Oh, dear. The sign on the front door says, “Closed due to whooping cough outbreak when too many poor people couldn’t afford vaccines for their children.”
You know what, let’s just go home. I can’t even keep up appearances of good cheer and a bubbly travel guide anymore!
Also: Read a page out of NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch’s diary.
Nothing Like We Had Imagined It
Whoa! I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I’m going to need a minute to catch my breath–and also process the nightmare we just experienced. That was some trip! We had a blast didn’t we, you know, putting aside the dying or dead people all around us? And if there’s one thing we Alt-ies are good at it’s turning a blind eye to that which we don’t want to–can’t, really–know if we want to continue our self-involved, childishly-closed-minded conservative life project. Now that we’ve taken a little breather, I’ll take my leave and see what exciting-but-always-limited sojourn we can take next week, never allowing our perspective to expand or our worldview to mature as a result. A great primer on the topic of Medicaid work requirements is this article from The Hill!
Until then, go out and be small-minded, almost difficult-to-tolerate human beings!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
