Get dressed bb seductive success with tips culled from Stormy D’s recent interview./Licensed Adobe stock, HaywireMedia.
Hey, there, Conservative Cuties! We trust that you’re looking your most Alt-beautiful today, being morally heinous inside, but adhering to traditional notions of what it means to be a hot, hot, hottie for both women and men. Monday night, we got our first extended opportunity to hear about her alleged affair with our dear President Donald Trump from a one Mrs. Stormy Daniels, a.k.a., Stephanie Clifford, adult film actress and non-disclosure-agreement nullifier hopeful. In an interview with Anderson Cooper that aired on CBS’ 60 Minutes, she offered three more clues–the first being her genera countenance–on what it takes to be attractive to The Donald. This is obviously of concern to any right-wing lady worth her irresponsibly-sourced salt. And we thought we’d review it here and offer some thoughts on how to actualize it so that every Republican Rita, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) may have hope that she, too, might be worthy of the lustful advances of a Trump-type–if not Trump himself!
Lady Einsteins Apply Here
The first thing Daniels said about the one and only night she had the privilege of doing the Horizontal Tango with Trump was that he was pleasantly surprised, we assume given her voluminous blond tresses and double-Z breasts, at how clever she seemed. He liked it, even!
So, the first thing you SYRW readers who want a Don Jon for yourself need to do is to get a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and preferably a Ph.D. He likes ’em smart, so you need to have the ability to present yourself in an erudite, eloquent manner. You should be able to discuss current events, history, philosophy, literature, art, and the latest breakthroughs in science. And you should have that street savvy that Daniels’ clearly has down on lock.
Related: Disco bands pay anti-tribute to The Oompah Loompah in Chief
It turns out, Trump doesn’t just want some barbie doll plaything, He wants someone who can hold her own in a conversation, much like the geishas of Japanese yesteryear did. It’ll an ongoing, at times challenging project to be “witty and wise,” as Maria sang in The Sound of Music. So get to it!
Daddy Issues
When a son is sexually attracted to his mother, it’s called an Oedipus Complex. When a daughter is sexually attracted to her father, it’s called an Electra Complex? What’s it called, again, when a father is sexually attracted to his daughter..? Oh, right: fucking disgusting. The height of depravity, and so contemptible that in prison, the child molesters are shunned by the other prisoners.
But because it’s the case with Trump and his daughter, Ivanka, as confirmed by Daniels, we’re going to have be A-OK with it. After all, we’ve hitched our star to this wreck of a human being, and for whatever reason, we find it impossible to unhitch, so we’ll go down with his moral ship.
Daniels, and another Trump mistress, Karen MacDougal, said in the 60 Minutes piece that Trump mentioned to both of them, before bedding them, that they reminded him of his daughter. So, all you Alt-ers out there know what you have to do. Have silky, blond tresses; a slim, long nose; wide-set, large eyes; and a generous pout for lips.
And: See what happened when Sarah Huckabee Sanders did this shocking thing!
Derring-Do!
To us, the most intriguing thing Daniels said in Monday night’s interview was that she and Trump joked about her spanking him with a magazine. He told her, shocked, that she wouldn’t dare. She extended a hand, in which Trump placed a magazine. She told him to drop his trousers, and he did it. The hottest adult film star in the biz then gave him two slaps on what we can only assume is a very-tangerine-hued derriere.
So, as it turns out, The Donald is that garden variety “powerful” guy who likes the bedroom to be the one place he’s not “powerful.”
Can I Call You?
After Trump and Daniels consummated their weird relationship, Donald was unexpectedly sweet. He said he had a great time and hoped they could do it again. Of course, 99 percent of guys say that, don’t mean it, and block your number the minute you walk out their door after that first time.
But not His Orangeness. No, Trump called Daniels and asked to see her again. And again, we assume, because their affair allegedly lasted for another year-and-a-half. We don’t know about you readers, but we needed a minute to process that.
Daniels said they never had sex again, despite their affair continuing, but we have a feeling that if Daniels is ever free from her non-disclosure agreement, we’ll hear lots more from her on what makes Donnykin’s weenis tick. And we’ll, of course, tell you what we learn about that topic of great concern to all Alt-humans.
That’s All For Now, Folks
Sadly, while Daniels’ attempt to extricate her from the non-disclosure agreement Trump attorney Michael Cohen had her sign in return for a generous payout out of hush money, our Beauty idol here at SYRW could say no more on this topic. So for now, we’ll have to make do with this. We on the right aren’t the best at adjusting to unchangeable realities, having had everything handed to us due to our privilege on many levels throughout the course of our lives, but there’s a first time for everything, right, readers?
We know all you good, hate-filled, regressive-social-policy-loving Alt-ladies want to go out and practice to perfection the methods of Trump-seduction we’ve expounded on above. We won’t keep you from that vital, vital task for long. Let us just say before you take your leave, that you can always count on SYRW to keep an eye, an ear, a nose, a finger, and a tongue in the rapidly-changing winds of hard-right politics to learn just what it is that makes President Trump weak in his arthritic, buckling-under-his-obese-frame knees weak and unable to resist a chick. We will apprise you of these need-to-know facts, factoids, and total hearsay as soon as we become privvy to them. And remember: you can see the full interview here, courtesy of CBS.
Until next week, then, Alt-lovelies: Go out and be inner-hideous, outward-slightly-non-repugnant.
Also: Incorporating glib cultural stereotypes into your home decor.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
