“Let’s totally try this one, guys–we’ve lived long enough lives.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Daxiao Productions.
What’s up, Alt-fun-lovers?! We hope you’re having some good, clean, bad, dirty Alt-right fun on this late March, Late Capitalism day!
If you’re teens aren’t having the best days and need to have some right-wing-flavored fun, lest excess down-time infects their minds with thoughts of progressivism (you know, equal rights for all, universal health care, and such) and you want to give them some joyous, ignorant activities to record and then post online to prove how tough they are, we’ve got just the foolhardy “challenges” for you to encourage them to attempt, record on their cell phones, then upload onto YouTube. Yes, some viral challenges like the ones the good folks at The Things made a list of, such as The Cinnamon Challenge, The Tide Pod Challenge, and The Ghost Pepper Challenge.
Related: Managing your non-Alt friend’s overtures.
It’s a Doll, Not a Choice
For the Anti-Choice Challenge, which will help your kid prove his teen toughness (only “his” because girls and members of other gender categories don’t matter to those of wise, wise people on the Alt-right) and bring home the point that women’s bodies belong not to them but to the germinated seed of men, you’ll need to find a tiny baby doll, likely one that’s on a keychain. Remove the chain or any other accouterments on this mini-doll. You’re not gonna wanna let this get too dangerous for your teen–just this side of probably-fatal. Remove any clothing on the doll.
Now, give the mini-human-plastic-thingie to your teen and start rolling your cell phone camera. Tell your adolescent angst-haver to insert the doll into her mouth, past the tongue, as if into a womb. Except it’s your teenage child’s esophagus. Ah, ah! No hesitating, if you really believe in controlling women’s bodies by restricting their access to abortion!
Once the doll is down there, and your teen feels as if she is choking, tell her to hold it there as long as she can. When it–hopefully–comes ejecting forth after someone has to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on your traumatized teenager, you’ll have made the point that all fetuses should have the chance to be similarly projected into the world. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it, you Alt-right-er, you?
How Many Do You Really Need?
The next challenge on our list involves guns–yay! As more children are mowed down in school shootings that are obviously not “real” problems but events orchestrated by the left-wing federal government/Deep State/Nanny State to control us, any activity involving our precious bang-bang implements of death is a welcome one, right?
Go out and get one of what we hope are multiple guns you own and store in your home. Now, take a moment to turn the gun over in your hand, admiring its smooth finish, stroking it’s almost silky exterior, and finally, kissing it. It’s your one, true love, which keeps you feeling powerful even as you feel more culturally irrelevant in your role as a Right Wing Nut Job (RWNJ).
This is the Shogun-to-Toe-Gun Challenge. Now hand the firearm to your cranky, hormonal roommate, also known as your teenager, and tell him to prop his back up against the headboard of the nearest bed, extending his left foot out in front of him. Next, he should splay his toes apart, as far apart as they’ll go. The challenge is to shoot one bullet in between any two toes. Turn on that cell phone camera once again, and go!
Make sure to stand out of the way of the gun, so the most that could be lost is one of your kid’s toes. Either way, if no toe is lost or if one or more is, when you upload the video to YouTube and share it with all your Alt-friends, you can be proud that you and your kid put conservative whackadoo ideals like an unerring allegiance to firearms above such quotidian concerns as physical safety or a long life sans limp.
And: Celebratory foods for your Friday Night Massacre party!
What Global Warming?
The next challenge in our Queue of Idiocy is the Stovetop Burner Challenge. Turn a burner on your electric coil or gas burning stove on to the highest setting it has. Wait for it to warm up to third-degree burn level. Turn on that cell-phone camera once again. Tell your teen to bend down and place her (OK, fine–we’ll use a lass an example this once!) face as close as possible to the heat, stopping when she shrieks uncontrollably in pain. Now tell her to stay there as long as she can. When she rises up spontaneously, you’ll have an awesome video to post with the caption, “See–even if the globe were warming, which it’s not, we’ll all be fine. This video will hopefully help to shut down the continuing international move toward reducing our carbon footprint, so we can all go back to being comfortably right-wing delusional about the greenhouse effect.”
As your teenager winces in pain getting skin grafts on her face at the hospital for months to come, you can smile a satisfied smirk knowing that whole climate change thing is behind us, once and for all. As always, you can pay no mind to the weather events of increasing furor and frequency, polar bears drowning because global ice caps cease to exist in the summer, and suburban sprawl causing a host of horrific side effects. Score one for the continuing ravaging of the Earth by mendacious captains of industry while the rest of us barely get by on a minimum wage President Trump refuses to raise, instead relying on the nonsense known as Trickle-Down Economics to make us able to afford…well, staying alive.
Thanks to us at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) and our tireless search on your behalf, there’s never a need for your conservative teen to risk life and limb attempting a politically neutral viral video challenge again. We culled the three above for you to present them with, and we’ll keep an eye out for more as our right-wing radar picks up on them. If need be, we’ll invent some ourselves. We simply can’t allow our precious youth to become liberal, now can we? They might make a positive contribution or two to society instead of just becoming adult cogs in the Capitalo-Industrialist machine!
Also: Ryan-Zinke-racism-inspired design–yes, it’s a thing.
Until next week, when we apprise you of more fun activities in line with conservative political values, go make some Alt=merriment!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
