It all got very Afterschool Special at a recent White House Press Briefing./Image: rawstory.com
In another Trump Administration first, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed a non-disclosure agreement with the White House, legally barring her from divulging any information about the organization she serves as the press liaison for.
Sanders is sick and tired of being grilled about the intent behind President Donald Trump’s actions, if he “really meant this or that,” and what the White House’s official stance is on a variety of domestic and international policy issues, she said at Thursday’s briefing, reading from a prepared statement.
When Jim Acosta of CNN, also known as McHotness among the White House press correspondents, one of the reporters tasked with covering the White House who interacts with Sanders daily, asked her if she…”Ah, ah, ah!” Sanders said, closing her eyes and holding a finger up to her pursed lips.
“But, Sarah…” Hallie Jackson of MSNBC quipped.
“Hey, now Hallie: remember what we talked about…” Sanders said, now smiling and pointing playfully at Jackson.
From now on, Sanders said, going off-script, she and the reporters will gather in the briefing room and sit silently there for an hour, and she doesn’t want to her one word out of any of them. Not. One. Word.
Sanders then turned the page on her prepared statement. She said something quietly to an assistant with a headset who dutifully hadn’t out her written statement to the gathered reporters. She asked them to follow along as she read the remainder of it, which we excerpt below.
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“Since my first day on this job, I have been the subject of a daily barrage of questions on everything and anything, it seems, that goes on at the White House. When I answer that I don’t know something or will get back to a reporter about another thing, I’m vilified for it. It’s almost as if you think it’s my job to be the go-between for President Donald Trump, whom I love dearly and will stand by until Kingdom Come. And fine, it is my job. But you all could stand to be a little more understanding about the predicament I’m in, day in and day out.
“Not once has even one of you asked me about a certain girl named ‘Sarah.’ Not once…[Sanders choked up at this, then regained her composure and resumed speaking]. What about ‘Sarah?’, huh? Did you know that I have a cat whom I named Job because he stands patiently next to me as I prepare his food bowl each morning? Or that once a month I pour a glass of Chablis while I read the latest woman-centered Christian fiction title, take two sips over the course of an hour, and then smile an ‘aw-shucks’ smile, because, once again, I couldn’t drink more than that? Or did you know that I’m really good at Sudoku and was even featured in an article in the Little Rock Sentinel because I completed 14 Sudoku puzzles in a record 20 minutes? No, I guess you didn’t know that, did you? Because you never asked! [Begins weeping, looking down, her shoulders moving heaving. As her assistant comforts her, she looks back up]. I mean, I know you guys have your own lives and you’re expected to do your jobs…I just wish it didn’t have to be like this…for you…for me…”
Sanders paused, and as she resumed her diatribe, there was a loud sigh: “Enough already!”
“Did you know that I was Valedictorian at Ouachita Baptist University in Arkadelphia, Louisiana? Did you know that my husband and I watch ‘Stranger Things’ together and love it, even though we don’t always agree with its liberal bias? Did you know I sent Aidy Bryant of Saturday Night Live a card commending her for her portrayal of me? Did you know that when my family and I took a trip to Yellowstone, a bear came up to our car and gently batted at my window, and I squeezed my eyes shut as we all emitted joyous screams, and then the gentle giant lumbered away? No, I guess you wouldn’t know any of that, reporters, because you never asked. You never asked! No one…ever…asks!” she banged her fists on the podium in front of her in concert with these last words.
Sanders then spoke off the cuff, briefly, pun intended, noting that she doesn’t have the easiest job in the world. Sometimes, she said, she goes into the nearest bathroom at the White House and cries, but more out of being emotionally overwhelmed than sad. She confirmed that she did, in fact, want this job. Yes, she did. It just feels like a million different demands coming at her from all directions, her kids are so young and need a lot of attention, her dog needs surgery on his left, rear hip, ‘Great News’ is on hiatus…
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“It’s just…I don’t know,” she said and continued crying.
At this Acosta rose purposefully from his seat and strode over to Sanders, embracing her. Her sobs became stronger but muffled in his embrace. Jackson, Dana Bash of CNN, and four other reporters joined the now group-hug.
“You guys!” Sanders said playfully, “You’re messing up my hair!” As she rolled her eyes upward to wipe away the mascara smearing around her eyes, Vivian Salama of MSNBC fixed her hair and made a quiet, self-deprecating comment to ease the awkwardness of the group’s physical proximity. The group laughed louder than the joke warranted..
“Hey, I’ve got an idea,” said Katy Tur, inexhaustible NBC and MSNBC reporter. “Let’s go to Friendly’s and get some banana splits–on me!” with her hands on her hips in an intentionally goofy pose.
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The room erupted in cheers, and the crowd slowly filtered out the door, leaving behind Sanders’ headset-wearing assistant. She gazed sadly at the door. She turned around slowly, still holding extra copies of Sanders’ statement. The disarmingly hunky Jim Sciutto of CNN popped his head back in the room, leaning into it and said in his oh-so-dulcet tones: “Hey, Gail.” She whipped around to look at him. “What’re you waiting for?” He winked, playfully, and Gail grinned with joyous satisfaction. She jogged over to Sciutto to join the Friendly’s-going crew.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
