Ivanka learned all about properties of liquids this week./Image: Twitter.
Hello, hello, my right-wing Chatty Cathys.
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
By now you’ve probably all seen the picture–and poor you, if not–our dear First Daughter tweeted yesterday, but I’m going to just go ahead and include the tweet from whence it came below, so you can fully appreciate the conserva-glory that I’m about to fill you in regarding the truth behind it.
Talking #WorkforceDevelopment and Infrastructure in Iowa today! @realDonaldTrump’s #Infrastructure initiative includes a robust plan to expand skills-focused learning to prepare the next generation of American workers for 21st century job opportunities. pic.twitter.com/10md8d5tnz
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) March 19, 2018
Related: Last week we brought you the Alt-truth behind Erik Prince’s Seychelles meeting!
The Left-Wing Internet pounced on the many, many things worthy of pouncing upon in this picture, they didn’t know what’s really behind it, but you will soon. This is supposed to be about #WorkforceDevelopment, as Ivanka’s tweet tells us, sure. But, it’s also about another White House initiative Ivanka’s pioneering. She and Jared are in charge of solving all of the world’s problems, as you know, with their mediocre-at-best skills, and the one nearest and dearest to ‘Vanky’s heart is this: the fundamental, inaleanable right of every Unqaulified-American to perform any job he or she wishes. This pic is going to double as the first publicity shot for Ivankakistowork™, her new outreach program to fill the nations workforce with the least qualified people for every job.
“Ivanka had thought up until the groundbreaking Election of 2016 that she would march into work with her long, silky tresses flowing behind her and struggle to string a coherent sentence together at her design firm,” me a White House source with knowledge of Ivanka’s new project told me. “But ever since her epically, probably tragically, in the end, unfit father skyrocketed to the most influential political office in the country–the world, even–she saw that the sky’s the limit for literally anyone.”
All the Loaded Ladies
“Up in a country club/Just woke up to the possibilities.” That’s a sneak-peek to the lyrics based on those of “All the Single Ladies” by Beyonce, that the team of songwriters Ivanka hired to write the inspirational anthem that will drop the same week her initiative officially launches.
“I see now that success isn’t about the right skills, hard work, or education. It’s about…well, nothing,” Ivanka told another one of my WH sources her eyes wide and trancelike, her head cocked to the side. “If more girls knew this, they might realize there’s nothing stopping them from achieving their dreams except not knowing this. And then they’d know it. So they can achieve their dreams. I mean, then they could.. Do you see what I’m saying?”
She then looked past my source and stared silently for an uncomfortably long time, I’m told.
She added that she and her husband, embattled and also totally-unqualified White House adviser, Jared Kushner, feel in banal love when they realized they both share a similar non-gift that they want to pass on to others.
“Jared has great dimples, but not much else going on in his life,” Ivanka told my second source. “But look how far he’s come.”
The First Daughter added that she hopes that with all the turbulence and tumult, the rancor and acrimony,, the venality and mendacity–except not using any of those words–of her father’s presidency, one of the few good things that will come of it, she hopes, will be that rich simpletons everywhere will know deep in their sort-of-souls that if they can pay for it, they can achieve it.
“I’m sorry–I failed to mention earlier when we were speaking about this project of mine–it’s only for youth who are worth over a million dollars,” Ivanka told yet another one of my highly-connected WH inner-circle-idiots.
And: See what to do about sensitive digital communiques with your ex!
Poor Poor People
Ivanka looked troubled then, all three of my sources told me.
“Oh, darn. I hope I wasn’t sending the right message to the wrong people all this time,” she said her carefully groomed eyebrows drawing together. “Oh, wait! There’s another caviar to all this–sorry, cavecar. Caveat–argh! This program is meant to inspire rich blonds only.”
What if poor brunettes now apply for jobs they can’t perform, Ivanka fretted?!
“Oh, lord–for a second there I felt like my words and actions had consequences,” she said with her hand to her chest and an exhale of buttheaded breath. “Thank god that passed!”
My three sources and iTrump then threw back their right-wing heads and laughed, their bright-white teeth–and race, of course–filling the room with an unholy, almost nuclear, light.
Holding Hands
Ivanka then took the hands of two of my sources, leaving the dark-haired ones hands un-clasped, and walked them all to the door.
“I’m so glad we had this chat. I hope it’s taught you all about the kind of work I’m doing. If so, please don’t hesitate to email me and let me know. I’ll be sure to get in touch should I have questions or concerns. But I don’t have any. About anything,” Ivanka said with a Stepford-but-less-interesting smile.
She air-kissed the three and clicked her platform heels back toward her desk.
“I’m doing a call with Jared now, so if you could just..,” she said, making a legs-walking motion with two fingers. “Thanks so much, girls”
Also: Creating a cozy, politically conservative bedroom.
Who said the right-wing community isn’t about doing good in the world. Rich, bland, borderline-catatonic kids everywhere needed a voice, an inspirational role model, and a reason to get out of their massive beds every morning. And now they have one! Yes, SYRW-reading youth, it’s true: if signing your name to poorly-fabricated mid-priced fashion designs doesn’t cut your high-end mustard, you have virtually zero skills nor anything interesting to offer the world, just wait! Your dad’s orange keester could land in the Highest Office-Chair in the Land, and then you could travel cross-country doing whatever things make you feel like your helping chicks in the workplace. But you’re not, really. You’re really not.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
