Pills full of Alt-goodness that you need!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, JJAVA.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
We trust you’re feeling wonderfully, wholly, soul-witheringly Alt today. And if not, you clicked your mouse, trackpad, or touch-screen-thumb on the right link. We’ve put together a lovely little list of nutritional supplements everyone on the right wing of the political spectrum must learn a touch about, then down like they’re bargain-bin beers in cans. Sometimes, for a variety of very valid, conservatively understandable reasons, your food intake just isn’t providing you with all the nutrients it needs for a hearty, robust Right-Wing Nut Job (RWNJ) approach to life. Pop one of each of the babies below into your traditionalist gullet every day and you’ll be ready to grab hold of the reins to our collective future and pull them back from making the rapidly-advancing progress that you fear will leave you behind.
Tu Quoque!
That’s the name of the logical fallacy you commit when your argument against something is to point out that the person you’re discussing with has done the very thing they’re accusing you or others of doing. It’s completely logically irrelevant, but if you have nothing reason-based to offer, it can be a great go-to in a moment of intellectual panic. It’s also what literally every right-wing politician, pundit, and general-community-member ever has done and continues to do anytime it’s pointed out that Trump did something wrong:m “Oh, yeah? Well, look at Obama! He [fill in with irrelevant, supposed Obama failing]!”
As our dear Trumpykins’ actions become increasingly indefensible, as the project of the right-wing community becomes increasingly hard to define yet somehow simultaneously horror-inducing, and as it becomes increasingly apparent that anyone who is a political conservative basically sucks at life–big time–you can feel isolated, anxious, and downright sluggish.
Don’t give that slump in your shoulders, that drag in your foot, that droop in your eyelid another thought. Because with a little, regular self-dosing with Ginkgo Blamebama, and you can resume your embarrassing-excuse-for-a-mode-argumentation of listing things Fox News told you that happened contemporaneous with President Obama’s administration and he is thus to blame for, which is applicable to Trump’s failing for no reason. See how we did that? And now you can with full vim, vigor, and lack-of-intellectual rigor again!
With Ginkgo Blamebama, you’ll be ready to fault President Barack Obama for everything from inclement weather to Russian election meddling! Sourced in the most destructive way possible from the South American rain forests that provide the wacky, wet home for the Ginkgo Blamea plant, Ginkgo Blamebama will have you back in non-sequitur-argument territory in no time. Down one every morning and you’ll be off to the what’s-your-point right-wing races again in no time!
Head Like a Hole
So goes Nine Inch Nails’ classic 1990s alterna-rock tune by the same name, and so you have, given that you’re conservative and reading this website. When there’s just a big, empty space where most people store their brains, it can be hard to come up with a pat, right-wing answer in response to every time life confronts you with all the reasons progressivism is better than Alt-ism, which are plentiful.
That’s where Coenzyme-AnswerEÂ comes in. Take it, and you’re deluded, foolhardy argumentation skills will feel razor-sharp once again. If you’re having a harder and harder time wasting the time of your liberal interlocutors by refusing to listen to what others are saying and instead holding forth on your moronic pre-fab arguments, you could be low on a Logic Reversinase, a key enzyme your Alt-body needs to send neat, rehearsed answers for every progressive argument you feel attacked by shooting forth from your mouth, but not from a gun, sadly.
And: How to deal with sensitive communiques from an ex after you break up!
The Good Kind
Sometimes your gastrointestinal tract gets backed up, clogged, and jammed as a result of the toxins we’re pumping into the environment every day, which are a good thing because they’re all an important part of the Late-Capitalo-Industrialist machine, and because the whole idea of pollution being bad is a left-wing conspiracy. Hey, sometimes the Beltway around D.C. gets stopped up with cars driven by venal, wishy-washy, amoral Republican politicians, too! It happens. But that comparison is of little comfort when you’re starting to see that the Mueller probe isn’t a conspiracy against President Trump nor a Democratic witch hunt. When you start to see that it’s based on facts and needs to continue, you need Proidiotics.
This supplement is a capsule-size combination of the “good” bacteria, the Proidiotics, that live inside your intestines, feasting on good judgment and common sense. They make you unable to see an authoritarian coup led by President Donald Trump and his merry band of idiots administration happening right in front of you, yet allow you to keep seeing conspiracies where none exist. The gut is the new brain, as they say, after all!
Take a couple of these capsules every day, and you’ll soon be railing about the unfairness of the Mueller probe and lauding Trump for his daily actions that violate moral, ethical, and political-protocol norms every day. You’ll breathe a sign of right-wing relief as Fox News once again seems like legitimate journalism rather than what they are, which is a bunch of I-got-a-Bachelor’s-in-communication-from-a-nineteenth-tier-school screeching banshees. You’ll be grinning like an idiot as you consume your daily diet of other right-wing media, too!
Make sure to take the above-listed supplements with after a high-calorie, low-nutrient, definitely-not-poisoned-so-you’re-OK McDonald’s meal unless the crooked-FDA-lobbyist-inspired label says otherwise. Also, a glass of filthy tap water from your local, crumbling-due-to-too-few-regulations municipal water plant always helps the sort-of-like-medicine go down. After a few months of tossing these bad boys down your throat, we at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) bet you’ll be in the best right-wing shape of your life. If not, please talk to someone else–not us–about it, as we’re actually not that interested in your life or problems.
We better be off to dig not-too-deep to find out about all the latest in Alt-Wellness to apprise you of next and every week after that until the environmental apocalypse that’s going to take us all down comes!
Also: Celebratory foods for Friday Night Massacre parties.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
