Wouldn’t it be so right-wing-wonderful if we could shoot each body hair of with our guns?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, vladimirfloyd.
Hey, Conservative Cuties! It’s Monday, so all you Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers know what that means. Ok, maybe you don’t. In that case allow us to remind you: it’s the day we share with you, in our weekly Beauty column, tips, tricks, and pointers relating to all your Alt-beauty needs. We know, in a way that many other websites out there don’t, that achieving non-repulsive externality is all the more difficult when your internality is butt-ugly, like members of the right-wing. Fear not! SYRW will be here to guide to a state of Alt-hotness you didn’t dare dream about.
This week we’re delving into the topic on everyone-who’s-anyone’s-mind: what depilation tactics are best when you’re a member of the Alt-right?
Blade Runners
Perhaps the oldest method of hair removal is shaving, i.e., dragging a razor across the skin to shear the hair on it flush with the epidermis. This may be a good choice, then, if you’re politics tend toward the conservative end of the spectrum. That’s pretty old, too–and not in a good way! Shaving is easy, quick, and can be done by you at home, of course, sort of like surfing the Internet for inane/insane right-wing conspiracy theories to latch onto. However, it has its downsides, such as the risk of nicks, cuts, and the bleeding that results from such abrasions.
If you’re a political elephant, of course, you’re probably very comfortable with blood, give that our Alt-president engages in employee-firing bloodbaths pretty much every week. Also, there’s the itching that many people experience after shaving skin, that nagging, maddening, feeling of overstimulated nerves. Again, this may not be a problem for the right, as we’re not listening to the pesky feelings we’re getting that are trying to tell us Trump is wrong…oh, so wrong.
Related: The stunning truth behind Erik Prince’s Seychelles meeting.
One at a Time
Plucking hair is another old, tried, and true method for Alt-right-ers to get their hair sikly smooth. To do it, the plucker uses a tweezer to separate and yank out individual hairs from, usually, parts of the face. It’s time-consuming, and perspective is important. If you’re doing large areas of skin, make sure to stand back and take a gander at the area you’re plucking every now and again to get an idea of how it’s turning out.
We can’t underscore enough importance of maintaining perspective while plucking. You know, perspective, like the thing we on the right have lost completely in our zeal to elect a big-promises, “America-first,” white president to power.
Hot and Sticky
Next up we have waxing. This involves applying wax to the area of the skin you wish to remove hair from, laying a strip of fabric on top of the wax, pressing down to make sure all the hair adheres both to the wax and the fabric, then pulling the strip of fabric up. The hair should come up and away from the skin with the strip of fabric. You must hold down the skin with one hand as you rip the fabric strip up in one, quick motion. Think of yourself as one of the few sane Republicans holding down their party’s fort while the rest of the people politically-affiliated as such are off in the land of make-believe known as Trump-ville.
Thread the Needle
Don’t even ask us how those who do threading hold the string they use to remove hair. Just lay back in the salon chair and let the person threading your hair, a practice developed in India, wrap around each hair to be removed individually the thread and extract it, all at such a speed it’s over before you know it began.
If you’re in pain, think of how Trump took the U.S. of A. from free, democratic republic to authoritarian dictatorship in probably less than two years, with frenzied moves to invalidate the legislative and judicial branches of government; antagonize independent institutions like the press, the Department of Justice, and the FBI, among others; and install his cronies and business buddies in decision-making posts in his government.
Also: Create that cozy, politically conservative bedroom you’ve always wanted to have.
Star Wars in a Derm’s Office
Then, of course, we have laser hair removal, the permanent or semi-permanent method of depilatory wondrousness favored by those with bloated checking accounts, i.e, Republicans. This involves delivering a laser beam light in consecutive pulses to the area that you want to be hair-free. It’s painful, though the pain can be reduced by applying a prescription-grade topical anesthetic to the area in question, occluding it with plastic wrap, and leaving it on for at least 20 minutes. The pain is much less then, though it’s still sort of like a combination of being stabbed and shot at once. The operative word there is “shot.” We right-wing peeps love anything having to do with shots, so if you’re truly a conservative, you’ll bite the bullet, pun intended, and get yourself some laser hair removal!
As of the moment you finished reading this here article, SYRW readers and Alt-er boys and girls, you have no excuse to be hairy! And if you don’t fit into the West’s particular heterosexist patriarchy’s standards, well then what are you really doing with your life, you should probably ask yourself. Once you start removing hair in any given body part, you’re in for a lifetime of hellish maintenance–and that’s even if you go with laser hair removal. Trust us, some of us at SYRW spent thousands on laser hair removal, the dermatologist who did it for us promising it was permanent, and it is eons and eons better than before, but we still have some light fuzz to remove every few months. Of course, Trump promised us a lot of things that he hasn’t delivered on and won’t, yet we keep supporting him, so all of the above methods, even the laser, have pros and cons to be sure. Just consider how permanent a solution you’re looking for, how much money you can earmark for hair uprooting, and how much pain you can withstand. We’re guessing you can withstand a lot, given that we’re watching Western civilization go bye-bye and are just sitting by doing nothing.
Until next week, sexy red-state readers! Go forth and be beautiful–on the surface, not inside, for Pete’s sake!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
