It’s soooooooooo entertaining to watch the downfall of democracy, isn’t it?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, WavebreakMediaMicro.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
How are you on this bleak Sunday morning as President Donald Trump dumps another shovel-full of dirt on top of democracy’s grave? Last night news broke that His Orangeness ordered Attorney General Jeff Sessions to fire (now former) deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe 24 hours before he could have retired and been eligible for his pension after a lifetime of service to the organization and the country. IIf you’re a Republican congressperson, we’re all so jealous that you guys get to do most of the enjoying of this fabulous development in the downfall of this country you claim to love. We’re going to show you just how jealous when we vote your complicit asses out of office in November. Until then, we thought we at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) thought we’d offer some meal ideas for those to our patriotic compatriots who want to watch further developments in this edge-of-your-seat drama known as the dismantling of civilization on cable news with family and friends.
Snap a Neck, Crackle a Spine, Pop a Joint
We just the thought we’d mix the innocuous with the violent above, sort of like tweeting an employee’s termination, as Trump did with Secretary Rex Tillerson last week.
It’s also a sizzling segue into discussing our first mm-mm-meal idea for a Down With the Republic viewing party. To be honest, to call our appetizer idea a “meal” is a stretch. It’s more like a snack, which may be why it’s so hard to practice portion-control with it: popcorn!
Popcorn is the U.S.’s finger food of choice for shoveling into our gullets while watching all sorts of sad, horrifying, deeply disturbing nightmares, after all, isn’t it, dear readers? And who doesn’t love a light, fluffy, cloud-shaped corn kernels soaked, saturated, and steeped in God’s gift to the human taste bud, butter!
Whether you go the slightly more labor-intensive route and heat some corn seeds on your stovetop, or toss a bag in the microwave is, of course, up to you. We think there are appealing things about both methods, but both share the most important attraction, which is, of course, deliciousness.
Don’t forget to pour yourself or your guests a generous dose of some liquidy libations to quench the popcorn-induced thirst that is this superior snack’s tango partner, readers.
Our Daily Banal Bread
Historian Hannah Arendt wrote Eichmann In Jerusalem: On the Banality of Evil, as all you erudite Alt-a-holes know. And one of the points of that brilliant analysis was this: evil rarely takes the screaming, shocking, unmistakable forms we think it will. More often, it is practiced in cold, removed, quotidian ways that we can easily mistake for many things besides what it is. And Arendt’s study gained much of its insight, and certainly its title, by watching Adolf Eichmann talk with an utter detachment to the point of, well, banality, of murdering six million people. Sort of like contemporary Congressional Republicans! It’s the quiet ones you gotta worry about, and at present, the half of Congress are blanketed by pin-drop silence on one side of the aisle.
Such is the daily, ho-hum, almost relaxed, pace and quality of Trump’s murder of the nation. In horrified honor of our collective descent into authoritarianism, we offer you this yummy libation idea to lubricate all your god-awful get-togethers: grain alcohol!
Yes, just pour this clear, get-hammered-in-an-instant juice, and serve it up! The faster everyone’s wasted, the sooner you can all get around to holding each other and weeping about the end of the world as you know it.
Another literary genius, T.S. Eliot, wrote: “This is the way the world ends; not with a bang, but with a whimper.” So make sure to pass out some cups of grain alcohol to all your guests and toast, “To whimpering!”
Devil’s Food
For the most epically Nero-esque fiddlers-while-Rome-burns among you, we suggest going for Deathday Cake. It’s exactly like birthday cake, except it celebrates a death–in this case the death of America. Hey, we had a good run!
Is devil’s food too obvious for you? So sorry, dear readers! We assumed that because you’re right-wing, you had zero capacity to recognize or appreciate subtlety. Ok, go with angel’s food. Whichever you decide, just make sure you have lots of moist, spongey baked goodies on hand. What would a party be without cake, right, readers? If you really want to get decadent, plop some ice cream on the cake. Of course, then you’ll have to make sure that cold confection doesn’t all melt before it’s eaten. The blissful combination of cake and ice cream may just be worth it, however.
We at SYRW realize you can get an ice cream cake, obviously, but we don’t think it’s the same. There’s something about the ice cream on top of the cake that is epic, no? Also, our SYRW consensus is that it’s appetizing, delicious, and just downright fabulous in every way when ice cream melts on top, next to, or underneath cake, but when it’s just a giant hunk of ice cream sagging, dripping, and running all over the place, it’s super-stressful.
Hey, hey, hey, now! Don’t even think about touching that remote, Alt-morons! This corruption carousal, this festival of fraud, this shit-show shindig is just getting started. We hope the above meal and snack ideas will spur in you some light-bulb moments that inspire your own digestive dazzlers. After all, everyone has their own ways of enjoying the end of Western democracy via the poisoning of hundreds of years of democratic institutions and protocol.
“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” begins Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. Similarly, every intelligent American citizen is appalled in her own way by Trump’s behavior, while every collusive piece of trash is collusive in his own Republican way.
We better be off to tasty tinkering away in the kitchen to apprise you of lots of asinine, far-right culinary ideas next week.
Also: For the dish on the ingenious ways that White House staffers use their FitBits, click here.
Until then, SYRW readers, bon appetit, cheers, and salut!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
