Trump, the supersize president./Image: Courtesy of The Nation.
Special Counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization to obtain documents related to its dealings with Russia, as reported by CNN and every other news organization on Earth yesterday.
President Donald Trump puffed up his chest, flexed his biceps by placing his arms in a semi-circular shape in front of his torso, and roared that he doesn’t “sub” anything. In an impromptu Alzheimer’s-symptom-infused press conference with reporters in the White House Rose Garden, Trump added that he’d consent to a “SUPERpoena” of documents related to Russia, but nothing less.
“There’s only one ‘sub’ thing I do–SUBway,” Trump added taking the Alpha-bravado down to Beta and winking at reporters. White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly and EPA Director Scott Pruitt looked at each other with raised eyebrows and an “oh well” smirk, shrugging playfully at Trump’s complete, utter descent into senile madness before there eyes. They then closed their eyes, chuckled, and side-hugged each other loosely.
“In fact, a lot of people are talking about when I said about that Megyn Kelly–very nasty woman, by the way–that she was bleeding out of her wherever, I was really worried about her. She had a minipad on her, and I said, ‘Here, take this MAXIpad,” Trump said.
Moments after news organizations reported Trump’s response to stories about Mueller’s legal demand for Russia-related documents, Nigel Wordington linguist at Oxford University in Great Britain clutched his chest and collapsed to the floor.
“Never…heard…Trump show…any awareness of…orthographic parsing….of language…can’t take shock,” Wordington said, his eyes squeezed shut as two students at the university caught him and another called an ambulance.
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Trump said he wasn’t aware of the speech-related obliviousness Wordington was talking about.
“No one has more respect for words than me, not one single person. Just like no one respects women more than me, which I’ve said before. Look it up,” Trump told reporters. “Anaphora, epistrophe, consonance, love ’em. Love ’em.” Trump said.
A bespectacled reporter raised his hand and Trump pointed out, looking at him lazily.
“Jeff, go. What’s your question?” Trump said.
“Sir, can you give us an example of anaphora, perhaps an anaphoric phrase from a prose piece or a poem?” language-fun reporter Jeffrey Zimmerberg of CNN asked.
“If you want to know who’s to blame for Parkland, ISIS, and the climate change that doesn’t exist, look at Obama. Also, Hillary’s emails…and–wait, what’s that above your head?” Trump said, pointing up at the sky.
Instinctively, the crowd of reporters looked up. When they looked back, Trump was gone. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was in his place, wiping something up from the lawn.
“If you’ll wait a moment, I’ll answer all your questions after I’m done cleaning up the president’s mess,” Sanders said without looking up.
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She looked up with a quick exhale of breath and said how much she loved being a mom, and that she felt like coming to work every day at “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue” was like being with her own three young children.
“Makes me miss the little ones a little less to be surrounded by juvenile, churlish behavior all day–sometimes into the evening–at work. That’s one of the many reasons I love, love, love my job,” she said in her slow, Southern drawl. She added that she couldn’t see anything wrong with spending most of her days coming up with completely logically unsound rationalizations, excuses, and justifications for the president’s non-stop morally and ethically repugnant behavior.
“Look, I think, the president has a Ph.D. in linguistics from Harvard and is one of the editor’s of the Oxford English Dictionary, the exhaustive catalog of the English language published by Oxford University, where that linguist fellow was actually from who fainted. I’ll confirm that and get back to you, but that is my understanding at this time,” Sanders said.
Sanders noted that any insinuation that Trump wasn’t a master of all things communication-related was “fake news” until Trump decided to say he hated language. Then it would turn into “real news,” like that featured on Fox News.
Hallie Jackson of MSNBC, Martha Raddatz of ABC, and Norah O’Donnell of CBS stared at Sanders, slack-jawed, their pens frozen on their reporter’s notebooks.
“Look, if you all are just gonna waste my time, I don’t need to come out here and do this, okay? I have better stuff to do, like pick out statement necklaces and vibrantly-colored dresses for work, OK?. I can also put you over my knee and take a hickory switch to your behinds if I need to,” Sanders said, her expressive eyebrows taking on a rollercoaster shape of anger.
Jackson asked Raddatz if what they were witnessing was, in fact, actually happening. Raddatz shook her head from side to side in disbelief. O’Donnell sighed and dropped her head in resigned frustration.
“Thanks for coming guys,” a familiar, fluid, oddly appealing voice said.
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Jackson, Raddatz, O’donnell and the other reporters gathered shot the front of the room looks of disbelief and shock. It was White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway, who many had vanished into the ether in the last few months, after entering people’s hearts as a modern-day Nazi apologist.
“It’s so good to see you all again,” Conway said, her eyes welling tears as a look of pure, well-deserved pride seemed to animate her warm expression from within.
“Kellyanne we miss you! Come back!” said a man’s voice from the audience of reporters, a voice that sounded like that of he who is known among his fellow White House reporters as McHotness, Jim Acosta of CNN.
“Yeah, we’re sorry we took you for granted. We promise we’ll never do it again,” said number two in hotness, CNN’s Jake Tapper.
“It’s been hard being away from you..I, well…I miss spinning stories for you guys. I miss it, dammit!” Conway said, the tears and sobs spilling forth as if a dam had broken within her.
A Secret Service Agent appeared from her left and her head whipped over to look at him.
“No! No, I won’t go,” she screamed as the dark-glass-ed agent put a firm grip around her finely wrinkled, overly tan arm. “No–Jim, Kelly, help me. Jake, I’ll tell the truth from now on–I mean, I’ll try–no, let go of me! No!” Conway shrieked and flailed about.
Raddatz put he shoulder on Tapper’s and wept softly. Sanders watched with a removed, ignorant steeliness.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
