Now you see it, now you don’t–meaning, competence in politics–although, in Trump’s case, you never really saw it./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, zinkevych.
Rock on, Red State reactionaries!
If you’ve been looking for a way to incorporate President Donald Trump’s inane, reckless, and nonsensical method of governing into your recreational activities–and who hasn’t, right Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers?–we’ve got some fabulous magic, tricks, pranks, and gags for you to perform for an audience and also use to make people think you have much more of a clue about what you’re doing than you do!
Get out your white gloves and top hat, call your rabbit and lovely assistant, and get ready to learn some close-up–but not too close-up–magic ways of entertaining, amazing, and stupefying your audience. Writer Kurt Andersen, the author of a hundreds-of-page-long tome on our country’s fascination with showmanship, illusion, and oh-la-la, and in his incisive–at times scathing–look at where we are today, Trump is merely the latest in a 500-year consistent through-line. The point being, you’re sure to have no shortage of sorcery-loving souls to wow with your talent.
Related: The elements of a cozy, politically-conservative bedroom.
Telling Can Be Tempting
You can get loads and loads of pointers, tips, and reminders that will take your sorcery skill to the next level, courtesy of Kid Zone. One of the tips offered by the good folks at that wonderful website is the following: “Resist the temptation to tell how the trick worked…keep them guessing and they’ll be even more impressed with your show.”
Clearly, based on this one tip alone, President Agent Orange thinks he’s putting on a thrill-inducing presentation and not running the premier world superpower on an international stage.
“Trudeau came to see me. He’s a good guy, Justin. He said, ‘No, no, we have no trade deficit with you, we have none. Donald, please,’ ” Trump said, mimicking Trudeau, according to the Washington Post. As Trump’s cringe-inducing rambling at a Republican fundraiser continues, he admits to randomly and without any apparent–or likely unapparent–reason, lying to Justin Trudeau of Canada. Unlike a user of the tip above, Trump doesn’t really seem like he would even know what to say if he wanted to “tell how the trick worked.”
Someone to Saw In Half
Kids Zone goes on to offer this wonderfully helpful advice on wowing ’em with wizardry skills: “Lovely Assistant: a lot of the card tricks (or any other mind reading type tricks) work well using a magical puppet or stuffed animal as your assistant.” Does this website seem like it should be renamed Trump Admin Zone, or is it just us, dear readers?
Did Trump, in fact, stumble upon this sensational site before us and base his entire administration on it? It seems like the above tip may have been the inspiration behind Team Trump’s calling Kellyanne Conway to the bad–or worse–side after the whole Marco Rubio thing didn’t work out. Conway seemed a lot more comely looking to us before Trump won the election, and now we’re not really sure she can be described as a “lovely assistant.” But if she gets out soon, she could still save enough of her soul so that it the rest could recover. And her physical appearance would no doubt follow suit!
Tricky Chairs
Another tip offered by our friends at Kid Zone is the following:” Control the seating arrangements. Some [of the] tricks require that the people be looking straight at you.”
How fascinating, no, readers? This explains why Trump’s impromptu interactions with the press so often go off the rails–he’s not in control of his audience. Questions come shouted at from reporters, taking the magician Trump must fancy himself to be off-guard. A spur of the moment press conference is when His Orangeness made the reprehensible comments about “fine people” on both sides of the protesters and counterprotesters in Charlottesville. In more controlled environments, such as the joint press conference in France with him and French president Emannuel Macron, Trump’s responses to questions were staid, reserved, the looniness inside him kept at bay by a thin veneer of somewhat-rehearsed-looking reserve.
Also: The stunning truth behind Erik Prince’s Seychelles meeting.
Does Anyone Have a Dollar Bill?
We offer this next idea to our dear President Don Jon with due deference and respect as Alt-right Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs). Pointer number six at Kid Zone is one Trump may want to avail himself of and begin practicing on a regular basis.
- “Wherever you can, borrow the objects from the audience…Coins, pencils, napkins, etc. Borrowing from the audience makes it seem like the magician hasn’t had time to do anything sneaky to the item. This makes everything seem more magical!” The mind reels at the possibilities.
Trump might say to CNN’s Jim Acosta, in response to a question about the utter idiocy of his border wall idea, “Jim, to answer your question may I borrow a picture of your family from your wallet?” He could then tear said picture in half and say that that is what he hopes to do to immigrant families.
Or, if MSNBC’s Hallie Jackson asked him about the Russia probe, he could ask, really, anyone in the audience for a handkerchief. He could then use that tissue to cover his face and say from behind it, “As I am now, I was totally in the dark about any contacts with Russians during my campaign by people on the campaign.”
And as a last idea, we think Trump might use New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman’s spectacles to say that just as he can’t see as well with them on, similarly a seemingly beneficial thing, by every account that matters, Obamacare, actually makes people sicker, which is why he opposed it.
And: Read about the app that’s only available to Trump Admin members and why they need it so bad.
Your friends will no doubt be by turns wide-eyed, dizzy, and faint when you perform these trippy tricks in front of them. You should, therefore, provide a soft surface for them to pass out on, water for when they wake up, and ammonia inhalants for the truly stubborn unconscious-ite. And when they wake up, bleary-eyed and pale, asking, “What happened? Where am I?” remember to fill them in on the facts slowly. You don’t want to stun them back into a comatose state when they only just arrived back on this side of sentience.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
